July 2017
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crazy whirlpool of emotion / new friendships / my lil sis moved in-state! / worry about hannah


I've been in a constant whirl of emotion for the past few weeks... I feel a little insane, sometimes a lot insane. I feel like I am living on fast-forward, everything intense, complex, compact, exponentialized. SO. MUCH. is new! Three brand-new face-to-face friendships with people I feel a deep connection with, plus two more people who are connected to them, new places, new languages (in the sense that every person communicates differently), rapidly deepening relationships with long-distance friends, just... wow. everything! And I've been having intense flashes of insecurity, because I care so much about these new friendships and I am afraid that I will make a mistake and lose my chance, and they may not have the strength/desire to give me a second chance. And because I have never attempted to befriend an already-formed group -- it's a daunting task, so many eyes watching. I feel like if I lose one, I lose them all (which may not be completely true but I think it is partially true).

You know when you fall in love, and it's SO thrilling but so scary, and the slightest negative thing sends you spiraling into a depression thinking that all the wonderfulness was just a dream? (am I the only one that was like that? hmm...) Well that's very much like what I'm living, except it's platonic and it's more than one person! It's scary and painful, but in a growing way, and I welcome it.

ALSO. good news! my mom FINALLY moved down with my lil sis and now they live a mere hour and a half away. Which is great because my lil sis is safer and I get to see her more, but not great because they're living with Aunt Mary. I've lived with her and all I'm gonna say is I KNOW that that is like, and I am not happy that my lil sis is having to deal with that. But she's a strong spirit, and I know she can handle it, and it is much better than being around her dad.

And Sunday! Miss K, Ben's mom, had a lunch 'party' for me, with cheese-stuffed tomato-sauced pasta shells (she asked what I wanted and I said 'anything with cheese and tomato!'), and my mom and lil sis came over. I'm a little weirded out by my mom because I don't know her anymore, and I was VERY VERY WEIRDED OUT by the fact that my ten-years-younger sister is considerably taller than me! so freaking strange! I felt intimidated! I meant to get photos but forgot, next time perhaps. She showed me her drawings and I was impressed, partly because there is so much feeling to them, and partly because she is so free -- when I used to draw I wouldn't even attempt an angle if I didn't think I could get it right, and she just goes for it. (I hope she's learning as much from me as I am from her, heh) She's finally mature enough that I can see similarities between us. We have no physical similarities -- she's tall, golden-skinned, blonde, looks like her dad (we do have the same biological father, but I don't consider him my dad), and I'm short, pale, dark-haired, look most like one of my mom's sisters -- but we have the same indomitable streak, and we have a similar... warmth, is the closest word I can find. We give off a similar frequency.

I haven't been able to get in contact with Hannah lately, I'm worried :-( I hate hate hate that there is a whole fucking ocean keeping us apart -- it's so very wrong, I need to be there for her. She is constantly on my mind. ♥ I miss you I miss you I miss you... Don't ever think that anyone could take your place, don't ever think that I could forget you even for a second. You're as essential to me as water and air... and I love you from every tiny corner of my heart.

...Did I Imagine You? by Dot Allison...
Where in the world are you tonight?
I'm waiting for you // Just take my hand
I'll carry you through
sounds: Dot Allison
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.