November 2017
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financial stress / affirmative action / ashleylily stuff


Life has been stressssss-FUL lately. Mainly financial stuff... Ben and I were counting on him being promoted into management now, and it didn't happen. Two less-qualified people were promoted over him, a black man and a white woman, and he feels sure it was because of political reasons (race/sex quotas). (He knows the two people: their history, temperament, and qualifications) He spoke with his manager and his manager gave the impression that he agreed. Ben was pretty irritated about it... but I feel that sometimes injustice is the only way to make up for injustice. I would probably be more upset if it was ME who got left behind, because I'd feel hurt that my managers didn't make it happen for me, but as it is, I'm okay with it. I am definitely feeling the pinch of this, and it's not right -- but I feel it is necessary. This one time, those two people may have been favored, but usually, they will have to deal with a hell of a lot more oppression and discrimination than Ben (and myself, as his dependent) will. It shouldn't have happened, especially not to Ben because he was absolutely the best person for the position, but if it tips the scales a little bit more toward equality, I think it's a necessary wrong. Dunno how long my stance on that would hold if it happened over and over though, heh.

I am upset over not having money though. I have a veryvery late birthday present for 'Kenzie that has been sitting here and I haven't had the money to send it off, and then Hannah, Kate, Meliae's birthdays went by and I couldn't get anything :-( And then there is the stress of bills hanging over our heads, and the car desperately needs repair... and I need to spend time with Hannah, not want, NEED. I'm not willing to go back to Wal-Mart, and with sharing one car that we can't drive any more than absolutely necessary, getting a job elsewhere is not realistic. We're hoping that Ben gets this other position that just opened up, but he hasn't been interviewed yet so that is up in the air. He said he'd enjoy that one a lot more than the other so we're reeeeeeeeeeally hoping... otherwise we have to scrape by until April when the next management opening comes up. So please pray or send positive energy his way about that, it would make our lives so incredibly much better.

The financial stuff has the effect of leaving me housebound, which is a rather depressing thing for me, especially since I REALLY want to spend time with SabR and Kazi... but I've had positivity come into my life in the form of my friends. Last week my monitor turned very greenish (thank you Murphy), and I told Kazi about it, who told Brian, who drove allllll the way over to give me his extra monitor AND look at my car. I was so happy that he went out of his way for me like that. AND I got my birthday present from Kate!!! I will save describing it for when I have photos but lemme tell you, I am just THRILLED!!!

---


I wrote Ashley an email:
I would really appreciate it if you would take down the icons I made for you. I think it is disrespectful to throw away the giver and keep 'wearing' a gift from them. if you want to use the photos Hannah took of you to make your own icons, that's between you and her, I don't care about that.

Also, I made the name 'Alariya' as a personal, me-to-you name, and I would appreciate it if you would stop referring to yourself by it. The subtext of that name is 'beloved by Belenen' and it was never meant to be used as a name to refer to yourself by. I understand if you don't change your LJ name because that costs money, but you CAN stop calling yourself by the pet name I gave you. It no longer fits.

On the icons -- why would she even use them? If I'm so abhorrent, wouldn't she want to get rid of all reminders of me? On the name -- I have a language that I have been creating over the years, and when someone is very important to me, I will create a name for them. This is a sacred thing to me. I was extremely upset when Anika chopped it up and started calling Ashley 'Riya,' and I expressed this to Ashley at the time, and she stopped referring to herself by 'Riya.' Since the breakup, she started using it again. (the ironic thing is that 'riya' by itself has no meaning at all in my language)

She also sent me an email ((ending with "There is no need to write back - that is all I have to say on the matter.")) where she referred to 'the muck those few of our remaining mutual friends have been drug through.' I find that offensive. If any of my friends had felt they were being dragged through muck by me, they would have told me. She does not have the right to speak for them. Also, I think the 'few remaining' part is a jab at the fact that I unfriended quite a few of our mutual friends when I did that friends cut a while ago. (A few of them I distrusted, since they had spoken ill of me behind my back, but most of them I had simply lost meaningful contact with) Or possibly, she could be commenting on the fact that several of our previously-mutual friends have since unfriended her, and kept me. Possibly she thinks I have urged them to do so, but I am not interested in controlling any of my friends, nor could I -- they are adults and they make their own choices. Her actions (and her inaction and tacit approval when her boyfriend attacked two of them) caused it.

And I really miss Lily/Aurilion... I'm finding it very hard to let go because she cut me off completely without explanation, just a few days after we had been exchanging affectionate emails... It just doesn't feel real. I don't know what to think. I wish she would just tell me WHY so I mourn and move on. I gotta find a way to do that...

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Comments
molly_mcb ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣overwhelmed╠══
:-( I'm sorry you had to go through it. It's so hard to untangle heartstrings in the dark! even a little light would help so much! :-(
darkpool ══╣╠══
Injustice does not in an way make up for injustice. It just causes another hurt person. Especially with race/sex quotas and nonsense like that, it says women and blacks are to stupid to succeed on their own merits.

I do a few online things to make money, filling out quizes and surveys, some of which pay me cash and others points that can be traded for giftcards. it's not a lot but it's nice to have a little extra bit for small things. If that's something you think you'd be interested in doing I'd be happy to tell you which companies are reputable and such. Ebay is also good, sell your old stuff you don't want anymore.
belenen ══╣passionate╠══
Of course women and minorities can eventually fight their way to equality, given thousands of years. Affirmative action is to speed up the process, to work to fight against ways that are such a staple of our society that no one thinks to question them. It's a clumsy system, but it works, and it's the only one we have. Can you think of another way? People are selfish. A businessman would rather hire a white man over an equally-qualified (or more qualified) woman/minority because of the simple economic fact that people are more likely to trust a white male when it comes to handling money and therefore buy from him. Because white male dominance is the current backbone of our society, and even those who don't like it still go along with it because to go against it is to risk status and money, even safety. BUT, if everyone sees minorities and women in positions of authority, the subconscious belief that they do not belong there will shift. That is what affirmative action does, it changes the climate artificially so that it can change genuinely.
darkpool ══╣╠══
Actually I can think of better ways. It it doesn't work. It only increases prejudice and racism. When people see an unqualified person get promoted simply because they are black or female it makes them think blacks and females are dumber and it certainly isn't going to make them feel think better of them. There are better ways and many people are already doing them. I just read a great article about these five companies who all have these interesting and different programs to help women and minorities get promoted more. (some were just for women some were for both women and minorities) They all have increased the number of women promoted and none of them involve quotas.
I have never seen any research to show or heard anyone say or imply that they'd rather buy things from a white male or trust them more to handle their money either.
Changing something artificially doesn't really change it. Changing laws doesn't change people's hearts. Sometimes it can make them more hardened because they resent being forced to do something they wouldn't otherwise do.

writer_lilies ══╣╠══
Couldn't the two people who got it over him have just been more qualified in some areas?
folkchick3 ══╣Among the leaves╠══
I am so sorry that you have been going through so much! We are struggling in much the same way since I went back to college. We were doing well until my husband lost his job, but now things have been desparate for four months and counting. I feel for you becasue I understand what you are going through. As to the situation with Ashley, I am sorry (for everyone's sake) that this break happened. As practically a stranger I am not taking sides or trying to put my two cents into your business...but as someone who truly cares about you (and Ashley also ) I wish I that could help.
Hang in there Honey.
*hugs*
belenen ══╣pain╠══
:-( I just miss Aurilion. :-(
delicatexflower ══╣╠══

money is a touchy topic...
it's very greedy...
but you need it in order to live.

sometimes i wish we didn't live in
a world where we depend so much on
a piece of paper but it happens...

hope things look up for you, two. ♥
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you lovey ♥
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
Money is an evil evil tihng because a) We need it and b) It's so damn hard to get! I would be asa nnoyed s you are over those other two getting prmot and Ben being looked over.

As for ashley..*sigh* I think she is jst a person in a bad place emotionaly nad it's aking her into someone who is simplty not nice.

I miss Lily a bit myself but not enough to override my principles.
belenen ══╣pain╠══
:-( *sigh*
earthy_goddess ══╣strong╠══
I am sending you much love and positive energy through this incredibly stress-full period. I hope that you can find time to separate from all of the intensity in order to rejuvenate and renew your spirit.

It is so hard Ben was passed on the promotion. The situation is frustrating however I truly believe a better opportunity will surface (if not the one on already on the horizon). I can feel Ben is ready and prepared for a challenge. His responses in this posting assure me he has the skills to be successful with his pursuits.

I wish I could support you more with the mess of your friendship with Ashley and with your loss of Lily. I send you strength to continue on.

I LOVE the photos you added in your rainbow at the end of the page. The women are gorgeous and truly reflect the beauty of diversity! Thanks for sharing these!
belenen ══╣pain╠══
thank you so much sweetheart ♥ I feel so lost about Lily... it hurts every time I think of it or come across her screenname. I just want to let go and move on and I can't.

and thank you! I looooooove my new colorbar -- like you said, it's so diverse! Much better than the old one.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
i will definitely pray for you, sugar. *smooch!*

*and some giggles, just for the hell of it.* i LOVE ya!!
belenen ══╣nuzzle╠══
*kisses back* you're such a love! ♥
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
*nuzzles!!*
_keena ══╣╠══
i'm REALLY biting my tongue on this
Lord hold my mule..
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
feel free to express your feelings!
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
because, if I am wrong, I'm quite willing to admit it and work on changing. And if we simply have different views, I would like to know yours because then I can hone mine.
_keena ══╣mellow yellow╠══
this is the real deal holyfield from my view as a black person. and i dont wanna hear from ANYBODY tryin to slap "racist" on my head, cuz i'm not. (folks 'tend to overuse that word when it comes to "sensitive" topics)

and he feels sure it was because of political reasons (race/sex quotas)

as a "minority" in both ways (as a woman and being african american) we have affirmative actions and equal employee oppurtunities for a reason

we all know that not too long ago an overqualified black person couldnt even get promoted (or a job even) simply because of his skin color (or a woman because of her gender), especially in a job with mostly white folks. yes, white privilege still exists. ive noticed white people get offended and blame affirmative action and other things if and when things dont go their way FOR ONCE when the "minorities" has dealt with it since forever, even in this current day.

yes, Ben prolly did deserve that position because he's qualified, but maybe the company see's that it might be fit to promote the brotha to give him growth. if Ben felt that he deserved it, i say that he should take it skills to a company that will suit him better and appreciate him more

i dont know if i'm making sense, but this morning in the shower i had more clarity.

overall, i AM praying for ya'll situation.
belenen ══╣passionate╠══
I totally agree that white privilege exists, and that at this point, affirmative action is still necessary. *nods* I think that if you have one person who is more qualified than the other, then the more qualified person should get it, but if you have equally-qualified people, then the one who is more oppressed by society should get it, as a way of working for equality. Ideally, I don't think that an unqualified minority should be hired over a majority person who is more qualified, but sometimes that happens, and I think the overall effect of these systems makes up for the occasional flaw.

I agree that some white people get offended and blame affirmative action and other things if and when things dont go their way FOR ONCE, and it bothers me too. Honestly, it was not right for Ben to get passed over, but I see it as a minor flaw in a system that strives to make our world more equal, and I'm okay with it. And I agree, that if a white person gets passed over because of this, we should recognize that having it happen once is a huge blessing because others have to suffer it many, many more times than we ever will.

It's unfair, strictly speaking, but it is an unfairness that works toward balancing much greater unfairness. So basically, I totally agree with you.

and thank you for the prayers *hugs*
_keena ══╣gat╠══
thx for understanding..
juansrx ══╣DDR1╠══
im sure something better will arrive to your lives!!, you have each other to tolerate this moment, they say that a defeat is a step before success!!

Gambatte!! ^^
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thanks!
clown_frog ══╣╠══
Hmph at Ben not getting the promotion. Stupid state of the world. I haven't thought enough about affirmative action to have a proper formed opinion. Institutional racism exists, of course, and so something needs to be done about it. I read other comments and what you said about if two people are equal in qualifications for the position (not those exact words, but I'm having trouble remembering words again), then affirmative action good, promote minority. I'm not sure about when they are underqulaified... the thing is, the institutional racism in schools means that black people come out with less qualifications (I wrote an essay on instiutional racism in schools, the statistics shocked me). It keeps people down. So perhaps it is necessary. I don't know. I don't know enough about it and I haven't thought it through. But if affirmative action pisses people off it has serious potential to combat institutional racism while increasing personal racism. Perhaps. Not in Ben, I know, because he is too sensible for racism I'm sure. I don't know him, but I know you, and I'm sure you wouldn't marry a non-sensible racist type person.

But in any case it is bad that he didn't get the position. it is irritating, it is irritating that the world is in such a state that it may be necessary to promote underqualified people. Don't have to be against affirmative action to be irritated by that... Stupid world, again, pah. So sorry for Ben, it shouldn't have to be that way, it is unfair to work hard and deserve something and then not get it. I hope he gets the other one.

I think I would keep and use gifts given in friendship even after the friendship had ended, in memory of the time it was given. If it is possible to remember good times. Though I would stop if the person asked me to, I suppose. Perhaps though you feel differently if you feel it was not your choice to end the friendship, or just feel differently completely. It's always interesting to find out more of how people feel about these things, people are so marvellously different.
belenen ══╣upset╠══
the thing is, the institutional racism in schools means that black people come out with less qualifications (I wrote an essay on instiutional racism in schools, the statistics shocked me).

wow, I didn't know that. I would be interested in reading that essay!

I think I would keep and use gifts given in friendship even after the friendship had ended, in memory of the time it was given.

I'm the same way 99% of the time -- it's the nature of the ending, as well as the fact that she is not just keeping them as 'memory' things, she is 'wearing' them. (icons are internet clothing, in my opinion) Perhaps that's not different to others, but to me, I would keep something that someone gave me, but I sure as hell wouldn't wear it, ESPECIALLY after the person asked me to take it down. But most of all, what does it say that she threw me away and yet not only kept but flaunted the gifts I gave her? To me, it says that she only wanted me for what I gave, not for who I am. I feel that by keeping the icons up, she's proclaiming a connection to me that she does not have, because she chose to throw it away. She has no right to proclaim that connection; it does not exist.
belenen ══╣upset╠══
to me, it's as if she took a picture of an especially personal gift I gave her, and put it in her userinfo, along with a note that I made it for her. Why would someone do that? Creating the mourning bracelet, for instance, was a deep gift of self, and she still uses that icon. I feel that she completely devalued me by throwing away our relationship, and yet she continues to value the gifts I gave her. It makes me feel that she was just using me all this time.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.