July 2017
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financial stress / affirmative action / ashleylily stuff


Life has been stressssss-FUL lately. Mainly financial stuff... Ben and I were counting on him being promoted into management now, and it didn't happen. Two less-qualified people were promoted over him, a black man and a white woman, and he feels sure it was because of political reasons (race/sex quotas). (He knows the two people: their history, temperament, and qualifications) He spoke with his manager and his manager gave the impression that he agreed. Ben was pretty irritated about it... but I feel that sometimes injustice is the only way to make up for injustice. I would probably be more upset if it was ME who got left behind, because I'd feel hurt that my managers didn't make it happen for me, but as it is, I'm okay with it. I am definitely feeling the pinch of this, and it's not right -- but I feel it is necessary. This one time, those two people may have been favored, but usually, they will have to deal with a hell of a lot more oppression and discrimination than Ben (and myself, as his dependent) will. It shouldn't have happened, especially not to Ben because he was absolutely the best person for the position, but if it tips the scales a little bit more toward equality, I think it's a necessary wrong. Dunno how long my stance on that would hold if it happened over and over though, heh.

I am upset over not having money though. I have a veryvery late birthday present for 'Kenzie that has been sitting here and I haven't had the money to send it off, and then Hannah, Kate, Meliae's birthdays went by and I couldn't get anything :-( And then there is the stress of bills hanging over our heads, and the car desperately needs repair... and I need to spend time with Hannah, not want, NEED. I'm not willing to go back to Wal-Mart, and with sharing one car that we can't drive any more than absolutely necessary, getting a job elsewhere is not realistic. We're hoping that Ben gets this other position that just opened up, but he hasn't been interviewed yet so that is up in the air. He said he'd enjoy that one a lot more than the other so we're reeeeeeeeeeally hoping... otherwise we have to scrape by until April when the next management opening comes up. So please pray or send positive energy his way about that, it would make our lives so incredibly much better.

The financial stuff has the effect of leaving me housebound, which is a rather depressing thing for me, especially since I REALLY want to spend time with SabR and Kazi... but I've had positivity come into my life in the form of my friends. Last week my monitor turned very greenish (thank you Murphy), and I told Kazi about it, who told Brian, who drove allllll the way over to give me his extra monitor AND look at my car. I was so happy that he went out of his way for me like that. AND I got my birthday present from Kate!!! I will save describing it for when I have photos but lemme tell you, I am just THRILLED!!!

---


I wrote Ashley an email:
I would really appreciate it if you would take down the icons I made for you. I think it is disrespectful to throw away the giver and keep 'wearing' a gift from them. if you want to use the photos Hannah took of you to make your own icons, that's between you and her, I don't care about that.

Also, I made the name 'Alariya' as a personal, me-to-you name, and I would appreciate it if you would stop referring to yourself by it. The subtext of that name is 'beloved by Belenen' and it was never meant to be used as a name to refer to yourself by. I understand if you don't change your LJ name because that costs money, but you CAN stop calling yourself by the pet name I gave you. It no longer fits.

On the icons -- why would she even use them? If I'm so abhorrent, wouldn't she want to get rid of all reminders of me? On the name -- I have a language that I have been creating over the years, and when someone is very important to me, I will create a name for them. This is a sacred thing to me. I was extremely upset when Anika chopped it up and started calling Ashley 'Riya,' and I expressed this to Ashley at the time, and she stopped referring to herself by 'Riya.' Since the breakup, she started using it again. (the ironic thing is that 'riya' by itself has no meaning at all in my language)

She also sent me an email ((ending with "There is no need to write back - that is all I have to say on the matter.")) where she referred to 'the muck those few of our remaining mutual friends have been drug through.' I find that offensive. If any of my friends had felt they were being dragged through muck by me, they would have told me. She does not have the right to speak for them. Also, I think the 'few remaining' part is a jab at the fact that I unfriended quite a few of our mutual friends when I did that friends cut a while ago. (A few of them I distrusted, since they had spoken ill of me behind my back, but most of them I had simply lost meaningful contact with) Or possibly, she could be commenting on the fact that several of our previously-mutual friends have since unfriended her, and kept me. Possibly she thinks I have urged them to do so, but I am not interested in controlling any of my friends, nor could I -- they are adults and they make their own choices. Her actions (and her inaction and tacit approval when her boyfriend attacked two of them) caused it.

And I really miss Lily/Aurilion... I'm finding it very hard to let go because she cut me off completely without explanation, just a few days after we had been exchanging affectionate emails... It just doesn't feel real. I don't know what to think. I wish she would just tell me WHY so I mourn and move on. I gotta find a way to do that...


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belenen ══╣overwhelmed╠══
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.