July 2017
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marriage? serious changes, considering ending


my life has been completely insane the past week. Thursday morning my partner and I fought about something small, and he was really cutting, and it made me realize a lot of things.

I'm not happy in our marriage and I haven't been for a long time. But I put off thinking about it for one reason or another. Last year, I was simply busy with work & friends & other things, and since my partner and I had opposite schedules, I told myself that we just didn't spend enough time together, and that was why we were disconnected from each other. After I quit in December, I told myself that he was just stressed about the job which he was supposed to have gotten already, and when he didn't get it in January or March, I told myself that it was natural he be upset and edgy. Not to mention the fact that we've been stressed financially for the duration of our marriage. I'm now realizing that I've been doing this for at least a year, ignoring my feelings because they're 'based on temporary problems.' But they aren't.

My partner has had expectations of me that no human could fulfill. For whatever reason, he had the subconscious belief that a wife should do everything possible to make her husband happy, and he expected me to fulfill all his desires, without him having to give to me or even acknowledge them. I would make some effort to please him, just something small, and he would say thank you, and then the next day be all irritated with me and say that I never do anything (including when I worked, it's not just about that). Since he was constantly discounting my gifts, it was extremely hard for me to make the next attempt, but I kept trying. I am naturally a very tidy person but because he was constantly telling me I didn't do enough, I gradually did less and less until I was living in a mess half the time. No matter what I did, it was never enough to make him happy. I think this is because he hasn't learned that his happiness is his choice, not something I can create for him.

If I take a good look at the relationship, I don't see any benefit for either of us (as it is now). My partner says he gets nothing out of the relationship, I feel I get nothing out of the relationship. I believe a relationship should only last as long as both people are helping each other to grow, and I don't feel that he can help me grow anymore. Helping him grow is not enough to fill a marriage -- I can do that as a casual friend.

The fact is, I am not the same person I was when we got together. And the person I am now is not drawn to the person he has been up 'til now, not at all. Now I have experienced the magic of real connection and I'm realizing I've never had that with him. Why did I marry him at all? Was it because he made me feel safe, and I had never felt that before? Was it just physical attraction, that I mistook for love? Was it because I was so entrapped in society that I felt I needed a man to prove my worth? Was it because I was so broken that I just needed someone sturdier than myself?

Whatever the reason, now I feel safe within myself, and don't need protecting; my sexual attraction comes from spiritual connection, not physical; I fully recognize my own worth and need no other person to prove it; and I've healed from so much of my old brokenness. I don't have a need for a person. As for desire, the reasons I would desire a person in my life would be if I: had a spiritual connection with them; felt I could learn from them; shared interests with them. I don't have any of those things with my partner, not as it stands.

It's really shocking to me that it got so serious before I even consciously realized the problem. I think that was an old habit, a way of thinking from when I was a child and I was taught to ignore problems at home. I think I have broken free of that now. The rawness of this post is a new thing. For some reason, the subject of my partner and I was taboo -- no longer.

------------

Last night we went out and had a long conversation. He says he has made inner change, and he wants me to give him the chance to show it, which I'm willing to do, but I don't even know how to react. He wants to keep the marriage. I don't know him at all, I feel like I just met him and he is asking me to marry him. I feel that our relationship is over, the only thing that remains is to decide whether or not to make a new one. I really feel like scales have fallen from my eyes and I am realizing I've been living with a stranger for a long time. I've never really known him and he has never really gotten to know me, we've never connected on a spiritual level. He seemed very genuine last night, but it's really like I just met him, I have nothing to go on on how serious/honest he is.

This is so much to take in. I told him that when I think of breaking up with him, I feel this intense sense of freedom, and he said 'yes, that's because I've been keeping you captive, and I'm sorry.' I told him all of my feelings, and he pretty much agreed with it all, even when I said that I think he had considered me not a person, but an extension of his will -- 'wife' like 'arm' or 'leg.' He said it wasn't a conscious belief but he thinks he did have that sort of mindset. He says he doesn't anymore.

There is this thing inside me, this inner bondage, that broke this weekend. I'm no longer willing to wait around. I know that I can find true connection, and if I can't have that with my partner I will find it in someone else. If I am going to share my life with someone, I want passion. I want someone who is in love with me and can't help but express it, I want someone who seeks to know me as fully as possible, someone who lights up at seeing me, who recognizes my value. Someone who is willing, desiring to share and express themselves, learn themselves, grow and help me grow, live out loud. Someone whose spirit I can feel, who is open to me and enjoys my openness. And someone whom I feel the same way about.

But first I am going to see what happens with this person who says he wants that with me. Some of the reason is that the process of untangling our lives from each other is daunting, but mainly, I think I am doing it for the glimpses of his true spirit I've seen over the years. And to honor the support he gave me during our second year, the hardest time of my life. That is worth being open to the possibility of us.

please be very careful with comments -- no advice or criticism please. I am too raw for that right now. comments are screened, will be unscreened if they don't contain personal info.


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.