November 2017
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I hate movies that rip your heart out and stomp on it and kick it around, steal your hope and leave you bleeding. I just watched one, obviously, and I am so fucking unhappy. Probably it wouldn't kill me so much if it didn't mirror my life.

I'm not good at this anymore. Maybe because I don't have a cocoon to go wrap myself in and shut out the world. I just hate feeling this, I want to be OVER it already. Which is impossible, I can't skip to the end, there's no way to cheat, no way to fast-forward.

I feel like I am mourning... I FUCKING HURT. And I'm so confused. Why did I get with my partner? Did I just want to escape my toxic family (lil sis excepted)? Could I really have been so shallow as to 'fall' just because I was attracted to him? I keep thinking, there has to be something. He has qualities I like now, but back then he didn't. And I wouldn't have been able to explain why I wanted him except to say that there is 'something about him' -- what something? is it that something that will connect us in the way I've always wanted to, once we push past all the changeable things? or are we fundamentally incompatible and just wasting time?

I remember when Rebecca and Trevor got together, like 2 years ago, and were so in love and affectionate and you could see how perfectly they matched, and I couldn't be in the same room for a minute without feeling a bone-deep ache, often had to escape because I couldn't help but cry. I wanted that so desperately, and had never even tasted it. I've tasted it since then, but not in a romantic way and not with my partner.

I want to know what it feels like to have someone passionately in love with me. Not just "I like you, this is nice, I think you're pretty" but "you make my spirit sing, I can't fathom my life without you, just seeing you overwhelms me with joy, I want to devour you, breathe you, live you, experience every last drop of your existence." I want someone whose hands are irresistibly drawn to me, who wants to hold me, make love to me, support me, pour into me. Not because of anything I do but just because I'm me. Just because they are enchanted by the essence of me. And I want to feel the same way about that person. I used to feel that way about my partner -- why? I thought he felt the same and just had a hard time expressing it (that's what he said about it) but I kept waiting and waiting to see it, and now it's 5.5 years later and I've never seen it.

I do really like the person he seems to be becoming, though I'm not anywhere near fully trusting his changes yet.

When we had the first huge discussion, I told him I didn't want to have sex again unless/until it was out of a mutual desire to spiritually connect. He agreed, fairly enthusiastically. So Sunday we did try that, and it was a lovely experience, but I didn't get a feel for his spirit at all. He said he felt mine though, and he said that he had definitely opened himself up to me, so I feel lost. Am I afraid to sense his spirit, afraid to discover that we don't fit? am I afraid that we will? am I just afraid to hope?

...Fix You by Coldplay...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need

When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

connecting: , , , ,

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Comments
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in_withbothfeet ══╣curves dancing in the wind╠══
I love you and would like to offer my support. Deeply.
I need to go right now but I will come back tomorrow. I just wanted to say this for now because I think it is important to be immediate as possible in letting you know I'm here. and I care very deeply.

And, there are some things you mention here that I've thought about before, in regards to you. I didn't think it was my place to say anything, though. but since you broach some things... yeah.
Don't worry, it's nothing bad.
belenen ══╣confused╠══
thank you so much for your support ♥

eek, I know you said it was nothing bad but usually when people think it is not their place, it's something that is at least uncomfortable if not bad. *worries* and for the record, I trust you very much because I know how incredibly compassionate you are, so you have free reign to say anything, ever -- it's never 'not your place.' *many hugs*
in_withbothfeet ══╣╠══
bastets_place ══╣╠══
I may regret making this suggestion, and I hope that you accept it as some kind of reassurance - but it is in no way a failure on your part that you didn't connect with him.

And it has been known for men to claim to have made connections with someone else where all that really happened was a happy male organ. I apologize for the crudity.

There is this saying - it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. True as it is, it was never spoken by someone that is trying to figure out if love is lost yet or not. Trust yourself and your gut instinct. Somewhere in your mind, you KNOW - absolutely - if what you have right now is worth saving. Given how hard it is for anyone to really change on a base level, you just have to find out what you KNOW.
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
Well, Ben is always very cautious about anything spiritual, and does his best never to lie to me. I might suspect him if he lied more, or if he wasn't so hesitant to believe in anything spiritual, but I'm convinced that he had to have felt something or he wouldn't have claimed it. I think I was putting up a block, really -- I don't think I was ready to trust him at that point.

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. *hugs* I appreciate the support ♥
wild_root_fruit ══╣╠══
I'm sorry you feel so sad and hurt. I suppose I am going through something similar, only I am chosing to "martyr" myself for the sake of my son and my beliefs that this sacrifice will be a large part of the purpose of my life. If God can give up His only Son, the least I can do is give up my desires for the sake of my son having a life as much in tact as possible - to include being happy and joyous about my life, even if it is not what I want.

I will never have what you describe here - and the only thing that soothes the ache of that in the times when I let myself fall into the sadness of that reality is that this is only the human realm - it's but a blip on the screen of eternity...we humans forget that.

I don't know though - you are a person that just thrives on all things spiritual and wonderful ... I can see how not having your soul mate to share this with, even if it is only in the human realm, would be a tremendous hurt to you. *hugs*

There's a reason you're going through all this...you'll figure it out.
katielilie ══╣╠══
Hi, I just looked at your journal and wanted to say that we grew up in the same area at the same time, so I bet we know some of the same people. I graduated from SJPH in '99. I also have a friend who works at Lockheed. :) Congrats on the baby.
belenen ══╣╠══
katielilie ══╣╠══
*hugs* I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly over all of this.

I'd like to share with you a few things that I have learned about love. One is that it cannot be quantified and it's not a zero sum game. Another is that the "You make my spirit sing..." stuff cannot be sustained always. That may come off as a little pessimistic, but it's not meant to be. It's just plain exhausting to feel that way for someone else ALL the time, and it's unhealthy to entwine your well being with someone else's so tightly. Also, you know, life happens, people get depressed, when you're in those down slumps it's hard to feel that over the moon head over heels feeling. The thing you have to realize is that what you feel when you aren't necessarily feeling that raw passion can be very good as well, it can serve to nurture certain other portions of your spirit, the portions that crave moderation and quiet times.

When I was a teenager I used to lifeguard; and it never failed: at the beginning of the summer everyone was ALL ABOUT the pool. The place was packed. We would be pretty busy even on days when it wasn't super nice out. Well come late August the place would be dead, save for those super dedicated pool rats (of which I was one), the kids who just LOVED to be in the water, it was just in their blood. The reason all the rest had gone was because the novelty had worn off. That tends to happen in situations of intense passion. It doesn't mean you will NEVER have those "you make my spirit sing..." moments once the novelty has worn off a bit, but they will be fewer. This only means that you'll have to cherish them all the more.

I'm going to break this into two comments because I have more to say but I don't want LJ to cut me off!
belenen ══╣osculant╠══
the "You make my spirit sing..." stuff cannot be sustained always

maybe not continuously, but I do believe it lasts forever. I'm not talking about NRE, or the thrill of first experiences, or of first getting to know someone. There is a thrill of novelty which obviously wears off, and there is the thrill of spirit connection, which never wears off, because it's based on an eternal connection. I know just about everything there is to know about Hannah, and we have gone through the whole gamut of emotions, fights, distance, depression. It's not always thrilling/intoxicating, but the connection is always there, I can feel it. I think this is pretty rare, but I've felt it with a few others, and I definitely believe there are more people with whom I can connect in such a way -- the thing is, both people have to have a certain level of openness.

Like in your metaphor, I'm talking about the 'super dedicated pool rats' -- in the minority, but they exist. Novelty is something anyone can experience, spirit connection is too, but it requires a certain quality that most people don't have (can get, but don't seek).
katielilie ══╣╠══
Why is the "why" of it important? Why does it matter what it was that drew you to him? The question you should ask yourself is what is there to draw you to him now. You know yourself, you know you did not simply connect with him because he had a hot body. Perhaps part of it WAS to get away from your family, but does that have to mean you can't have a happy healthy relationship with him.

I know for a FACT that a big part of the reason I married my husband when I did was to get out from under the totalitarian rule of my father. I know this. My husband knows this (now), and we still love each other. Things have changed between us quite a bit. When my husband and I were dating and early in our marriage, it used to be a huge turn on for me when he took off his glasses. It was a signal to my brain and body that the fun was about to start. Now I don't even really think about it to be honest, but there are other things to send that signal, and when I remember that it kind of makes me giggle at how young we were, how little we knew about life, love, even sexuality.

The love I have with my husband is more of a practical sort of love. It is like a rock. I know it will always be there, no matter what changes the two of us go through, I will never stop loving him. He was there from the beginning and he has seen some of the darkest parts of me and he held on and he still loves me, and still wants me. We are best friends, we are lovers. A lot of that passion has burnt out (for now) but it doesn't mean it has to end.

The love I have with my boyfriend is a lot more intense. We do still experience the "you make my soul sing..." stuff (minus the "I can't live without you" because I think that's extremely unhealthy) sometimes. I have this desire to see even the darkest side of him because I know that's the part of himself that he protects from intrusion under the guise of protecting others from it, he sees those scars that someone else left upon him as hideous, but all I can see is their beauty because they are him. But on the days when one or both of us doesn't have the energy to sustain that, we just plain love each other, and that plain old love is ok too. The man invaded my soul nine months ago and will never leave it. No matter what paths life takes us on, whether we actually see each other with our eyes or speak with words again, he will live in me forever.

Ok, I've talked and talked and talked but my point is this: if you truly want things to work out with Ben, they will. All you have to do is decide that what you have now is ok, and that you want to see how it grows. If you don't want it, there's nothing wrong with that, it doesn't make you a failure, but I would suggest you begin taking action to that end out of fairness to both him and yourself. Remember this: there is not a cross to bear that cannot be made at least a tiny bit lighter with a change in perspective.

I hope I didn't come off too preachy, and that you take all of this in the spirit in which it was intended: out of true loving support. I am available to talk pretty much anytime.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I think the 'why' was plaguing me because if the answer was 'because of spirit connection' then I would have my reason for staying now. It's not bothering me so much now because I've decided that I'm willing to see where this goes, regardless of what it was before. Either I will discover a spirit connection and stay with him, or we'll be great friends and nothing more. I'm not feeling the negative things I was before because he's working on changing them, so I don't feel the same urgency I did.

(on the "I can't live without you" stuff, I agree it's unhealthy if taken literally, I phrased it badly. I meant "I can't fathom my life without you in it.")

I appreciate that last paragraph and have pretty much followed your advice. ;-) Thanks for sharing all of this with me ♥
free2be ══╣╠══
I know it's tempting to wonder about the past, the future too, but they are both beyond our grasp. Concentrating on the moment helps. Hold on to your dreams and imaginings of how you want to live your life. It will be provided to you. It already is being provided to you.

The people and conditions you experience in your life are a reflection of your inner thoughts and beliefs. Bad or good, it makes no difference. The reflection is like a mirror, what's there is there.

This might explain why when inwardly you have certain dreams but outwardly they are not yet there for you, that you are looking to both yourself and your husband to figure out "why."

The trick may be not to become too unhappy about it. You always have the power or ability to please yourself, to take a break...even a small one, and then get back to work again.

You and your husband can work together if possible, else you might give a little more time to your own needs and see what you learn, applying that back to your relationship. Or, you know, split. But if so, your head ought to be completely in order so you can in no way second guess yourself as to your decision...like you've done as you wonder why you ever got married.

Take your time and make your time as enjoyable as you can. Something will work out for the best.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you ;-)
neoquark ══╣╠══
oh my gawd
I watched Bridge to Terabithia and had to stop the movie because of that kind of thing. i finished it, but i was all into it until the bad thing happened. Won't say in case you have not seen it.

I am messaging you cause you are moderator of curvy girls, also have you on my deviant account, it said to message you here.
neoquark ══╣╠══
okay so i read more..
I think you will find someone great, I don't knwo much about you, but you seem like an awesome person, you are confident in a lot of ways that others are not. I have seen your creativity and I think you will go far, you just have to find the right support structure like you said. Sometimes being an artist or creative person it is hard to find the most compatible mate. Someone that can be everything, a best friend, a lover, etc.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Re: okay so i read more..
thank you for this ;-)
neoquark ══╣╠══
Re: okay so i read more..
diepunyhuman ══╣PG / shaking the tree╠══

I used to feel that way for someone. And then I let him down.

I felt almost the same way for another some years later, but we let each other down.

I'm kind of tired of the nasty cycle, but I understand what you mean. I haven't felt a spiritual as well as a love connection with someone in quite some time. I am used to that by now.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
:-( It always makes me sad to 'hear' someone say they are used to disappointment... *hugs*
delicatexflower ══╣birdie ][ peace and understanding ..╠══

i'm sorry you are feeling this way :(
i went through something similar last year.
it really hurts... but you'll get through this.

everything happens for a reason, it's just up
to you to figure it out and learn the lesson behind it.

hang in there, babe... ♥
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*hugs* thank you lovey ♥
in_withbothfeet ══╣a happy place.╠══
*hug*
You never stop amazing me with your strength, and this is not any exception. You say you don't know how to do this anymore, you're not "good at it", but I wanted to say something... I think you'd doing profoundly well. Very human and spiritual all at once, even if maybe it feels like your spirit is aching. Maybe it is because it has been so much time growing and learning and loving and trusting and being so bold and audacious and gorgeous... and when you're hurt, perhaps you may have found a hole youhadn't known was there? And... the spirit in you that so much wants to seek life and keep going, it is aching? because now that you are aware, it can't just keep going without addressing the matter, since that' such a big part of who you are. being honest and open when you can be.

I wanted to say, I know that it can be natural especially when things are so shaky right now, but you don't have to be so hard on yourself... I understand, though. But. Bel. Let's say that a part of you did get married in attempt to establish some liberation from your biofamily. That doesn't mean that you were just being an escape artist, lying, denying and running away. It means that a part of you was desperate to be free, and that's a GOOD thing. you've grown so much, since y ou first got married. Since then, you've learned that you don't need another person for happiness and for strength in your own individuality. you have worked through SO much to get to where you are. And when you first went into the marriage, maybe you weren't quite there yet. perhaps that part of you knew you really did want to learn to grow and become more independent, but based on where you'd been in life and the circumstances and steps so far, this was one of the only ways you knew how to take a step in the direction you needed to go? It doesn't mean you used Ben or the marriage or that your appreciation for connection and love was ever invalid. It was always valid, it is, because nothing takes away the core values you hold. I think that sometimes we do see things only as we wish to, and leave other parts out, but that doesn't necessarily mean you werent' seeing something important and true when you knew the connection and everything was important to you. Maybe because of where you'd been, it was the only place to go from there, to "settle" with what you could manage and handle as your first step to liberation. Not settle permanently, but as a babystep... subconsciously.

anyway, and let's say that physical attraction did play a part in this. You are such a genuine person who truly values humanity and soul and everything far beneath the surface. So I can imagine it would be painful and maybe embarrassing/confusing (for me it would be) to think that maybe you made a move that is now against what you truly believe in. but you didn't just wake up with all these values one day. I mean, maybe it is always a part of us from the start. I have read several philosophical theories and have read you mention one of your own that says that we have been whole in the beginning, and come into earth and then need to become complete again. maybe through finding God, whatever it may be. So regardless, these strengths and beliefs and passions in you are so strong, so pure. but no one expects you to be perfect. Maybe y ou were in a place where you were so strongly wishing for liberation that part of your physical attraction did persuade you in a way it might not have had you felt stronger at the time. It doesn't mean you were fully influenced by something shallow! It might just mean that something in you was so driven to go this way that certain things served to convince you when they might not have, otherwise.
Deep down it is like the subconscious turning you toward what you need most, using whatever tools it can. Not USING using as in using a person to dispose of them. Okay, this is going to be one of my weirdo analogies.

part II on the way.
in_withbothfeet ══╣maternal heart╠══
Addiction, okay, so often times when someone is trying to recover from an addiction without professional help, he or she will find oneself lighting up or drinking down the bottle, but not remember getting to that point. My psychology class had a guest speaker. psych of addiction etc. he told us about he had PROMISED himself not to smoke any more weed. When he got home, he remembers pulling into his driveway and from that point on, he remembers nothing until the point where he was suddenly staring out the glass door, looking at how beautiful everything was... the green grass so bright, the golden sun and all the angles it fell upon the grass, then he realized he was stoned.

But it had almost been like a blackout getting there.

The first time we get high off something like a drug (lol I swear this will be relevant later!) it is recorded in our amygdala, which regulates our drives like sex, sleep, eating. It also is associate with emotion regulation in a lot of ways. When we satisfy a true need, we have a pleasurable experience from it, which leads us to keep doing it to keep us alive, and then to procreate (I'm not saying that everything is reduced to that, though! this is just the biological side of things, not something I am claiming to be... the entire meaning to life). That's a reason why orgasm is so intense and pleasurable, since sex is the. well. way to procreate. So anyway, it is all recorded in the amygdala.
When we get high off something for the first time, the effect is so immensly powerful beyond what a natural feeling should be, and so, it alters our chemistry and is recorded in that part of our brain as "necessary" for survival. Just like satisfying other drives. Thus when addiction happens, the brain is thinking that it NEEDS these drugs etc to survive.
When someone tries to exert "will power", it isn't always enough just right there. The "will" has become ill, so the ill part of a person can't necessarily fight off the illness... you know? Anyway! So, when he decided "once and for all" to quit smoking, the driving forces in his brain caused his more conscious parts to blank out, so that his brain could get him what it think it needed to survive. (like how binging almost always DOES eventually occur after starvation, etc).

ANYWAY!!! so how is this relevant.
Well, I also think sometimes the soul works in similar ways. The difference is that addiction is of the mind and soul, always seeks health, so it can't be addicted to something. However, I think that it is constantly in strife to find what it truly does need (not more of it). In a healthy way, though.
So I think that since humans aren't perfect, and grow in stages, and can see only so much at a time given blindspots... we are only able to access some of our resources consciously. Our soul, then, perhaps, drives the subconscious in a way to keep getting us what it truly seeks (and the more we try to repress that, the more ill we might become... and the more conscious we become of it, the more we might try to repress it if we don't feel like we'll have enough pieces to build something with the realization that is trying to come up). So.

PART THREE COMING!
in_withbothfeet ══╣CREATE╠══
MAYBE.
Maybe, a part from deep within you needed so desperately to take the first step out of the toxic environment that it was more easily drawn by things like different sorts of attraction that you no longer allow yourself to be influence by in the same way, things you would no longer rely on. Perhaps since the parts of you weren't as developed then as they are now, the parts such as strength and trust in your own individuality, and in willingness to sacrifice the solely carnal needs for something more fulfilling and spiritual... they ended up being somewhat blocked out for the time being. Because I'm sure you had an inkling of these tthings but perhaps you hadn't found the durability in those areas yet to rely on them, so they were put on hold. but deep inside yuo, perhaps your spirit had a reason for putting those things on hold--- it needed you to get into a place where you'd then be able to rebuild the areas currently on hold.

Not in the sense that it pushed you to do something destructive and wrong! You did/do love Ben, etc, and truly value it all. It wasn't a lie or anything. Maybe your humanness couldn't juggle everything at once though and could only go with what you knew you could hold with one hand as you started grabbing again for the other rope you needed...

now.

What I'd been wondering about before this all...

It came about when you made that entry awhile back. When you were going through that particularly difficult time, that REALLY tough low. And you felt neglected by Ben when he walked out of the room when you needed to talk, after having an argument or something.
I remember you said, " I don't even know why we're still married." and that struck me pretty hard because I had never thought I'd hear that. Because as far as I knew, things were always very happy with Ben... and connected.

Eventually things cleared up a bit and I wondered whether you might have just been really upset when you said that, because you said things were worked out etc. But a part of me always sort of read into the relationship a bit differently from that point on. I was curious and wondered. Because I know that those things, statements like that, don't come from no where... even if we're upset. You know, on one hand, it can be a good idea not to take too literally everything we say when we're mad or crushed but on the other hand, sometimes it can reveal some important things about what is going on underneath.
Things might not be rational at those times, nor be all and end all. but the rawness is important, the lack of inhibition.

Of course, it's like, if you hold a hose in a kink while the water backs up. When you let go, it'll blast outwith more force than itwould have. The amount of water at once will be different, the speed and rate it comes out... it won't be natural based on its origins (when the hose got turned on, it was meant for a certain amount of water to come out steadily at a certain pace). so when we say things out of anger, sometimes they can be OVER the top or more forceful than what they're meant to be (based on the origin and root, which is inherent and doesn't change), but even with all the excess, there is a lot of truth element. Like, it's like, overreaching while brainstorming. you're gonna get a lot of ideas that don't work out in the end, a lot of excess guff, but by being uninhibited, you are more likely to get out every thing that it is possible to pull out, while being inhibited might keep some things locked up. Maybe all the ideas you do get out will be rational and workable, but at the cost of what? the best idea of all?
in_withbothfeet ══╣IFCTES╠══
SO.

When you said that, I never forgot...

I remember when you made a wedding post. I was blown away by the beauty in the pictures and in the story, and for awhile I just... I got lost in that beauty. I put aside the memory I had and just appreciated the entry for what it is, and I still do.

Later on, especially after reading something like this, I wonder a little bit... whether... *Sigh*
Okay, let's try it this way.
Sometimes, personally. I have in the past made sure to emphasize all the positives about a relationship when I knew something was lacking. ESPECIALLY when I started becoming more conscious that there was a problem, that I wasn't feeling respected. I'd start focusing on all the things that *were* positive. And in looking back, I realize that all the stuff I emphasized had to do with the original dream or impression I'd had when going into the relatioonship.

Now, I am in no way comparing Ben to my abusive ex!!! it's a different concept, so I'll explain why I'm mentioning this. But often in an abusive relationship, when the abuser realizes the person is going to leave, he or she will pull back out the charm and the old talk about the dream for the couple. the romanticizing of it. It can pull the person back in. It happened with me. When he'd do t hat, start talking again about how much hope he had in us and how much I'd helped him change and etc etc, "us" rather than he or me, I'd feel guilty for considering leaving any longer. Because I felt like doing so would be dropping whatever worth there had ever been in the relationship. I felt like, also, since I'd been convinced that I was worth nothing without the relationship, that by uncovering the illusion to be exactly that.... an illusion... I'd be losing my own worth as a person. And that I'd... I don't know. That such precious things like love and like openness and respect, they're all a part of me. A very important part of me. I like to live my life in search for such things, more and more deeply like you havesaid about yourself. I felt like calling it quits would be shattering my own energy put into my value in love and openness and respect. Like since such things are things I identify with, and since I was convinced to identify as a "we" rather than a "me", I felt like... I don'tknow. Like I'd be losing that part of me. Like maybe it would mean that my dedication to such things was never valuable, therefore that I wasn't.
in_withbothfeet ══╣╠══
SOOO by continuing to emphasize the connection I'd thought we'd had in the beginning, and mutual agreement to work toward such values, I was in a way trying to thicken the image so that I wouldln't have had to... lose ...something. And the more I had to hide in order to keep from losing everything, I lost myself. Which ends up being as well as eveything or anything, because I need a self for life to mean anything at all.

I have NEVER said all of this to anyone before.

I had so many questions I'd been wanting to ask you but now that I am here, I don't know what they are anymore. It doesn't seem as important that I ask them because, I feel like, it'd be going in circles...sigh.

I have to pee, brb.

back.
I also got some water!

Okay, so...one last thing about the abuse I experienced before I get back to the point. Alexis, he would never apologize for anything until he lost amost all power and I was about to leave. Only then would he admit that not only had he been treating me poorly, but that I was "too good" for him in a way. that he didnt even deserve me blabla all this other stuff. He would say that I had helped him change so much, that he would be lost without me that he was a mess before I came along. It made me feel sort of special. but also like it was my responsibility to keep giving him chances and to help him. because otherwise, I'd be giving up the very thing that MADE me special (apparently)!

So during these times, he'd admit to aaanything. it was like his final hope, I mean he had nothing else to lose so he would just admit to anything and everything no matter how crummy it made him sound.

Now. I am not saying this is necessarily the same thing, or an abusive situation with Ben as it was with Alexis and me!
I don't know enough about Ben. I don't know Ben at all. I don't know enough about your relationship. It is likely I do not even know enough about you to be able to form any strong opinion at this point on whether or not it might be the same or similar.

What I *do* know is that you and I have something in common. A love for love (not in a needy, co-dependent way, but in a real way), and a love for growth. we also love to help others grow. I noticed it in your userinfo and in stories you have told. helping people love themselves. things like curvygirls, etc. and you've been through so much...
personally, I think that my love for helping others grow, is sublimation in many ways. that is the healthy coping style to pain. I take what pain I have experienced and make it worth the recovery because I can set an example for others and inspire others. If we go through something painful, we can help lead others away from the same problems because people need to be led by other people. not celebrities and not superheros. I mean, it's okay to have a role model who is a celebrity or something, in appreciating t hat person for being a person. But I'm talking about this obsession with glamour we have in our media, this fixation on the "life" of celebrities (their bodies and what drugs they do and how long it takes to relapse after they get get out of rehab).

But anyway it is important to look up to people, I think, and to find character strengths that inspire us. yet I was just havinga conversation with my friend Kendrick about how people can't rely entirely on other characters, who have lines written out for them in movies etc. it is REAL people who can really lead. it is people who have been through deep pain in one area who are able to see what it takes to drive a movement for that cause (MLKJ for example)...
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.