October 2017
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my friendships: Hannah, Meliae, SabR, Kazi / uncommunicative but grateful / my partner / nightbloom


I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

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Comments
mourningdoveava ══╣╠══
I can't pretend to empathise with everything in here - and I hate that, fake empathy, that "Wow, I know how you feel" when someone does not, in fact, know how you feel - but I do want you to know that, wandering in a similar dark place myself, I am keeping you in my thoughts, my prayers, and sending lots of love your way.

A wise friend of mine told me once that "sometimes, we have to wait for the next big thing, and sometimes, the waiting IS the next big thing." The interstices between growth, while they seem static and dark and muddled, are necessary in ways perhaps we don't even understand.

I just wanted to offer tons of hugs and love. You're being kept close to heart. <3
belenen ══╣healing╠══
thank you so much *many hugs* you're being kept close to my heart too ♥
christianscott ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you ♥
jendaby ══╣Petal╠══
I am new to your journal so I do not know exactly what is going on, but I just wanted to say that I think your last paragraph there is a vital one, and it shows a mindset that is healthy and realistic. Also, i like the term "nightbloom"

Best wishes for positive resolutions to the issues at hand, and I look forward to getting to know you better through future posts.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you very much ♥
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
hi sweetheart!! i tried calling the other day, but i idn't leave a message because *i* was feeling down, heh... :D

feel free to call me, anyfreakintime. i miss you ♥
belenen ══╣nuzzle╠══
aww, Kat feeling down? :-( that seems so... world-off-kilter! *snuggles you*

I miss you too babe! I had turned off my phone when I went to church Saturday night, so I missed your call, but I will try to call you back after I wake up today!
rockstarjoker4 ══╣╠══
If you know that you're in a dark place, that's half the battle. I know that sounds really lame and cliche, but I really have come to find that once you can admit that you need change, it's alot easier for the universe to supply that too you.

Losing contact or closeness with friends is beyond frustrating, and honestly, i do empathize with your feelings about wanting too mourn your lost deep relationship with hannah, but not being able to, because you're still hoping that somehow, things will become better. That phrase, "stuck between a rock and a hard place" kinda relates to that feeling, because, you know that you have to let go of something, but you can't really definitively let go because the greatness of that person is something you don't want to lose in your life.

I hope that everything gets solved quickly and in the most positive way possible, but I suppose only time will tell.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
thanks so much for this comment, you really seem to understand what I mean ♥ and thank you for the well-wishes.
rockstarjoker4 ══╣╠══
Any time!
brighid0704 ══╣╠══
It's so hard when our relationships change. You feel comfortable with someone, and you get this really intense feeling like it'll last forever, just getting better and better. Then, for some reason, things change, and you're left to pick up the pieces.

I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through. Take care of yourself, and allow change to come as it will. If nothing else in this life is certain, change is.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you ♥
justkat2 ══╣╠══
I am in a bit of a similar place with my girlfriend as you describe with Hannah, so I can empathize. *Hug* It is also a time of learning for me, but it is sometimes necessary for growth and change, which I certainly feel is on the horizon. :)
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
eeek, I'm so sorry :-( *many hugs* here's to growth and positive change for both of us!
qulqij ══╣╠══
Clearly you are going through a time of getting ready for a big change in your life and things are in the process of being set up for it. This is a good thing and will take you in new directions as well as tieing things up that are not relavant to you for now. Ride it through and go with it. You have people who care about you and are now a part of your life too. No matter what know you are loved adn cared about. (HUGGS)(KISSES)
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you so much for the encouragement!
acid_burns ══╣mia kirshner / happy people don't give╠══

... love can damage your health...


♥♥♥
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
acid_burns ══╣jamie and jill / make the earth stand╠══
I wish I had something more profound to add to that, but I don't. I just hope you know I know. Be strong, Bel.
belenen ══╣healing╠══
*many hugs* I do know that you know. And I love you for it (and for all the other reasons too, of course). ♥
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
*hugs* I'm sorry you're in pain. I hope you reach resolution with Hannah soon, either way. Limbo is one of the worst places to be.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
me too! *hugs back*
brassdaughter ══╣peace╠══
I'm sorry you're in a rough spot, Bel, and hope it doesn't last long.
And here's hoping all your friendships move forward as is best. I know Meliae a little, and have been wondering about her too, hoping we'll still have a chance to know each other well. For what it's worth I've been thinking about you both.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
aww, thank you ♥ I hope she comes back to LJ!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.