November 2017
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spiky energy, raw frustration / prayer is harder now that my beliefs are different


I have had a very... spiky day, energy-wise. Feeling very raw and unhappy, like I'm wriggling to get out from under a heavy and very rough rock, and being scraped by every movement. I have been digging away at myself trying to find the root of this -- I keep finding things, tossing them out and then realizing that the problem is still there. I don't know what it is. This isn't depression, but it mimics it; all my usual tricks to shake off darkness had little effect. I think maybe this may just be something I have to crawl through.

I went into my sanctuary to meditate and pray, and as I started talking to God/dess I realized that prayer is not as easy as it once was. When I fit wholly within the Christian belief system, prayer was easy -- just ask for the things you want, and thank for the things you have. Now... it's not so easy, because I don't see God/dess the same way -- not a male-bodied being on a throne, but a multi-dimensional, multi-faceted, unsexed and DEFINITELY ungendered being which is truly omnipresent. I feel zir as soooooooo much BIGGER than before, and it is hard to feel the personal connection. I'm not sure what to do with this. Do I pray to each facet that I resonate with, or pray to the whole being that the facets are part of? Hm. I'm just remembering a similar issue I had with the trinity, maybe I will pray separately at first. I dunno. I feel pretty confused about it. And I miss having the same deity as someone else and being able to simultaneously connect with that deity -- what an amazing feeling that is.

The meditation/prayer helped, as did going for a short drive in the warm sun and cool air, but I still feel so on edge. If this is part of the incubation/awakening that seems to be happening in my tribe, I feel sorry for everyone else, heh. I just want to tear something or scream or explode! I'm in the mood to create but I can't because I don't want this energy going into my creation, and I can't calm down enough anyway. I think I'm going to go out again.

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Comments
tralfamadore ══╣╠══
Sometimes when I feel that way, my first instinct is to feel as though I'm being buried and to pool all my strength and all my resources into a frantic gaspingflailingwriggling motion to get to the top. But oftentimes I find that the trap so much mimics quicksand, and the more I move the further I am sucked under. My energy is being sapped from every pore and I am turning into a thrashing, sobbing mess and I am only sinking lower. Then I have no choice but to relax and be still. Exhaustion has worn me totally away, and I have to lie and regain myself. And it's usually then that I feel myself. When all the fight in me is lost, I realize the power that comes not from acting against my bonds, but from moving with them and using them to draw energy from.

When the world gets too big and problems feel too many, a good trick can be to minimize them. The same thing with wondering what aspect of your God/dess to pray to first: start with the small and work your way out. I've been told that when I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I should make a list of my problems and label them one to 10. 10 is the smallest, and I should start with that one. Maybe I'm feeling hot, so I go turn on the fan. Then I'm one step closer to getting to that killer number one.
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
I would so, so second this.

Be good to yourself, dear Bel.

Breathing is always good. I think you know what to do, and stop TRYING SO HARD! Your spirituality is not that difficult (I would say) except that new concepts are coming to a head and so there may some changes. Perhaps you could find other ways to connect with your higher self.

Don't worry, most of all don't worry. Let this time of incubation see you through.. just let it roll.
belenen ══╣╠══
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
suesniffsglue ══╣╠══
I often feel quite like I'm alone in my specific spirituality, too. I find that when I pray, I tend to neither ask nor thank most of the time; it turns into more just talking. Like a therapy session, almost. And when time comes to ask, I ask, and when I should thank, I hope I thank but it doesn't happen nearly as often as it should. Managing spirituality is so much harder than it sounds.
belenen ══╣spiritual╠══
yeah, the therapy-session-talking is how my prayer tends nowadays. I do enjoy that but I feel I need a bit more focus. I've been planning on making some personal runes for a while now, I think I will make them as soon as this energy passes and I can pour in untainted love. I think just having a jumping off point will help.

thanks for understanding ;-)
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
Actually, you might feel yourself more *surrounded* by this higher self /deity if you want to call it that, than anything else, so your way of prayer might indeed be different, it might be more of an -embodying- it rather than "sending a letter out and receiving an answer back" because I think, more and more, you are -becoming- the answer.
belenen ══╣exuviate╠══
hm, yes, that is definitely part of it. Just... learning a new language.
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
mourningdoveava ══╣╠══
This sounds like what I was enduring fairly recently... I'm percolating on saying something, but it has to develop more first. Still, I love you and am keeping you close to heart. ♥
belenen ══╣exuviate╠══
oh, I feel you! *sigh*

I love you too, so much! ♥
the_amberly ══╣╠══
One thing I've found helps with edges like that: writing a lot. Not just meditating, but just writing. Sometimes reading can help too, the turning off of the brain.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
hm, yeah, thanks!
aubkabob ══╣╠══
As my personal spiritual beliefs have changed drastically in the last year or so, I completely understand about how prayer itself has changed. I feel almost, too, like I need to spend more time exploring it and discovering it so that I may better connect with zir, and thusly better connect with ME.
belenen ══╣pensive╠══
YES. I was really feeling that last bit today. Reconnecting with myself.
moxafoot ══╣╠══
Wow. I so totally get this. My beliefs have changed significantly over the past few years and I no longer consider myself Christian. I find that the best way for me to connect with what I think of as the Divine is through nature and music (although not at the same time). When I'm having trouble 'connecting' I just pray to be aware and awake to whatever the universe has for me to know as I hike in the woods. When I play music, there are times when I can completely lose myself in what I'm playing and just get to the place where I feel the guitar in my hands, I smell the wood and I notice the feel of the strings beneath my fingers. It's at those moments that I find a connection. It's not always easy and it doesn't always come - but it seems to get better over time. I think of it as a practice.
belenen ══╣tree wisdom╠══
oh, beautiful ideas. I need to take the time to get in nature more often. I miss being able to just walk outside and be in the woods.
moxafoot ══╣╠══
gem_night77 ══╣╠══
I feel that many people always put the male article with God because its in the bible and the trinity contains Jesus and the three are equal (father, son and holy spirit). When I was first introducted to God, I knew that God was not like humans, he is above us. The reason why I put a male gender on God is mainly because of convience. Like why are ships females, and in Spanish every noun is female or male. Not because I feel that God is acutally a male.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
yes, I definitely see what you mean. ;-)
ladywind ══╣Raven╠══
My thoughts; your mileage will vary
I am not the most reverent creature in the world. I will curse at the Divine and snarl when I ask for a way to be shown. This is honesty from me, and that, I feel, is more important than piety. I approach the Divine thus:

Ze is massive. Ze is omnipresent and omnipotent and omniscient. Ze holds everything from birth to rebirth in the palm of zir hand. This means that there is a drop of zir in everything that is, and every thought that exists is heard and encompassed. If it exists, ze has a use for it; if there were no use, there would be no thing/thought/whathave you.

This also means that ze has no ego to appease with many praisings and ze is aware of need unasked. What is there left for prayer, then?

This: To carry the thought of the Divine with you as you carry the thought of those other beings you love. Speak to zir thus. And also to call up that piece of yourself that is Divine and cherish it; walk with it looking out from your eyes; eat with it tasting with your tongue; experience this life you have by the grace of that spark of Divinity as fully as possible. Consciously.

Do it in joy. Do it in sadness. Do it in frustration. Do it in simple, daily life.

Where do you think the wisdom of the Divine comes from but the compounded experiences of all zir sparks, from stones to birds to you?

Ze is infinitely, awesomely huge.
Ze is infinitely, awesomely small.
Thou art God.
Everyone is.
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
Re: My thoughts; your mileage will vary
Oh my god/dess wow.. you are illuminating.

You've got it.. oh my god/dess, you've got it.

Thank you!
belenen ══╣╠══
Re: My thoughts; your mileage will vary
moxafoot ══╣╠══
Re: My thoughts; your mileage will vary
jendaby ══╣Brigid╠══
I know that many people find a particular mythological embodiment of a higher power with which they resonate and pray/meditate to that facet to which they connect on a more personal level. it is my understanding that this is essentially what saints are as well, and I have heard that this is why so many existing deity figures were made into saints - because the people had a connection to them. Many people pick a male and a female symbol that works for them and pray to both, some work with just a sense of an element or a compass point or an ancestor, but i think having a personal connection and focus helps. I see it as taking a footbridge.

And my favorite embodiment is displayed in my icon. :)
belenen ══╣Renenutet╠══
yes, what a wonderful way to see it. You just connected some dots for me, thank you. ;-)
phydeau ══╣╠══
I have been to this place many times. You will be okay.
belenen ══╣blossoming╠══
mermaiden ══╣* Anne: Fairy Lands╠══
Strangely enough, it is always hardest for the butterfly when still in the chrysalis.

*MUCH LOVE* I'm sorry it's so hard right now, m'dear... it'll get better. ;-; *love*
belenen ══╣nuzzle╠══
It did indeed get better ♥ thank you for the love!
aniumus ══╣╠══
yo!! what part of PA do you live in? I may be heading out to Pitt in June :D ??
belenen ══╣summer in Georgia╠══
oh, I don't live in PA anymore, I live in GA now. ;-)
delicatexflower ══╣esotsm; text. c+j. "hide and seek"╠══

keep digging, babe. you'll find the root of this problem.
it's so hard when something is bothering you and you don't
know what's causing it. however, you are doing everything
right to try and figure it out ... *hug* did you get my email
by any chance? i hope, maybe that would put a smile on your
face!
belenen ══╣adoring╠══
thank you! I don't know for sure what was causing that, but whatever it was seems to have run its course. ;-)

that email from you certainly did put many smiles on my face! :D
free2be ══╣╠══
Apparently what was bothering you (causing you to want to scream or explode) was resolved.

If it hits again, there is another approach to getting rid of that kind of feeling, an impersonal one.

What is felt (uncomfortably) is energy that is the result of many many thoughts. Some unused energy from those thoughts gathers, the energy wasn't entirely spent initially and it now has no where to go, so you carry it. It builds and becomes bothersome. It needs to be released. It wants to leave, but often we either do something that holds it to us, or we put up a barrier that supposedly keeps it away. Either way, our involvement with it, keeps it tied to us. Suffering.

Feel that raw energy and try to get a feel for its location, space and size. Then imagine, as if you are drilling a well to reach the powerful waters of this energy, and send down a pipe into the heart of the most troublesome area. The pipe may be moved, increased or reduced in size, or more pipes may be inserted to handle the release of this pressure. Usually, when the pipe meets the pressure of that held energy, the energy will gush out. You can feel it moving and diminishing. You just keep doing something like this until that energy is reduced or is gone.

I know this sounds like a strange method, but it works. It's not exactly prayer, but it handles the troublesome build up of energy. Let it go.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
hmm, that sounds like a good meditation, I will remember it. thank you!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.