December 2017
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John Mayer's "Clarity" / revelations / savoring each moment / Biting the Sun / permanence, redefined



this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
Rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

By the time I recognize this moment
this moment will be gone
but I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on

Is there a second in time that I looked around
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Is anything enough to kiss the ground
and say I'm here now and she's here now

and I will wait to find
if this will last forever


I came across John Mayer's "Clarity" on my last.fm radio and I have been listening to it over and over. It fits my life perfectly at the moment, especially the seemingly unrelated title. Clarity. yes!

It has been nearly six weeks since I began falling in love with Aurilion (Lily, who has grown into zir true name) and Hannah. It's really amazing. I've been experiencing so many deep revelations, and above all, so much clarity! For a while it seemed every single post I made was some monumental exploration and expression, to the point where I got a little overwhelmed by it. Polyamory, gender, spirit-heart-soul-mind-body, deciding to change to gender-neutral pronouns, the story of Aurilion and I and Hannah and I, the stories people carry in them, characters in the story of my life, my tribe -- all in one month! And all of those posts were a big deal for me. I mean, most of what I post about is important to me, but each of these were... pivotal moments (I'm spinning! ;-)). And that's maybe half of what has been really happening within. *deep sigh*

At the beginning there was such a heady rush! So thrilling! and now it is deeper, more intense, so much more REAL, as Aurilion keeps saying. Like a delicious meal when you are very hungry -- the first bite is the most flavorful, but the real enjoyment sets in when the pang in your belly has eased and you slow to savor everything. (for me anyway) I think I fall in love fast and slow... the shields of my heart drop immediately but forming the cords that entwine with other hearts is a slow process. And oh, so lush, like a dance. I enjoy every twist and oh, the blending! *shivers*

I have changed my journal title and subtitle. The old title/subtitle was "Crystalline Nascence -- consciously choosing naked honesty and tender openness" and I had that for over a year, I'm not sure how long. It spoke my intentions with my journal and life; to live consciously, aware that everything I do and don't do is a choice and affects my life, and to choose to be naked in my honesty and tender in my openness. I feel I have ended that chapter, or learned everything I can from it at this point, and I have a new focus. My new title/subtitle is "Biting the Sun -- only in the burning do I taste that sweetest nectar." This refers to a proverb in my favorite book, Biting the Sun by Tanith Lee -- don't bite the sun, Traveler, you will burn your mouth. The unnamed narrator does 'bite at the sun,' stepping out of the bounds of zir society. The subtitle is a reminder to myself that only in crossing boundaries (self- or other- imposed) do I ever experience that which is truly extraordinary. Risk of pain surrounds all that which is sweetest, and to truly embrace those things I must also embrace that risk. this is the year of risk-taking!

When I fall in love with someone, I have always fixated on whether or not they will love me and be there for me forever. This time, I'm beginning something new with two people I have already loved and lost once; I know it is possible that they will cease to be part of my life. But I feel fully aware that the connection remains even if the relationship is not active, and that every moment spent in active relationship is priceless. If it ends, I will feel a dreadful loss, but more than that loss I will feel the gift of what was, and the surety that we will be reunited (even if not in this life). I don't feel worry or fear! I feel that I am drinking in every moment with utter gratitude.

and I will wait to find
if this will last forever

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Comments
acid_burns ══╣╠══
I don't feel worry or fear! I feel that I am drinking in every moment with utter gratitude.

So incredibly beautiful. ♥

belenen ══╣osculant╠══
oh, it is ♥
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
That's the beauty of living each life, each moment in utter gratitude, sweet love, is that each moment is -eternity-. Not in that we wait for eternity to see each other, but eternity really does exist in each sweet moment filled with gratitude.
belenen ══╣ethereal╠══
yes ♥ time is but an illusion after all!
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
ex-act-ly
thatbestkept ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣voltaic╠══
thanks! :D
delicatexflower ══╣personals; "me. smile. yellow"╠══

aw! this is wonderful. ♥ it sounds like your
mind is in tune in the moment, without worrying of
what may happen... you are going for the experience.


belenen ══╣adorable╠══
awwwwwwwwwwwwww what an ADORABLE icon! :D :D :D

and yes, exactly, very much in tune and in the moment ;-)
the_amberly ══╣╠══
That's how all people should live their life =)
belenen ══╣incitement╠══
it certainly is wonderful! ;-)
frecklestars ══╣╠══
I love the title change! It is so very you. I think I may join you in that "this is the year of risk-taking". :)
belenen ══╣incitement╠══
thank you! glad you like!

yay for risk-taking! :D
languisity ══╣charlie the crane╠══
know it is possible that they will cease to be part of my life. But I feel fully aware that the connection remains even if the relationship is not active, and that every moment spent in active relationship is priceless.

i'm still trying to feel my way to this. but i'm so glad you have this, that you KNOW this. and you're beautiful and this post is just beautiful. ♥
belenen ══╣blossoming╠══
oh, thank you love ♥ I wish you love-luck on your journey to this ;-)
kiwi ══╣Loves!╠══
I think all anyone could ask for in life is to love and be loved in the way that you love.
belenen ══╣veneration╠══
awwwww WOW, thank you. You made me get all teary! what an amazingly wonderful thing to say ♥
kschap ══╣╠══
"Clarity" is beautiful. :)
belenen ══╣giving╠══
:D
notwolf ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣openness╠══
♥ glad to offer this view of mine, and glad it gave you something positive! ;-)
aniumus ══╣╠══
hello! i wanted to tell that I am taking a road trip the summer, and I wanted to know if I am going any where close enough that we could perchance meet up? because you seem muy nifty and such :) my path is from eastern iowa to Pittsburgh PA - whatda ya think?
belenen ══╣eccentric╠══
well, it is actually my biofamily that lives in PA, I live down south in GA, so that would probably be a good bit out of the way :-p
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.