November 2017
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dream (joy to dancing about living in old room) / my old room in my bioparents' GA house


last night I dreamed of living in my old room in my bioparents' GA house. In the dream, I was filled with such joy every time I went in that I danced!

A lot of bad things happened in that house but my room was a sanctuary. It was the beginning of my independence; I decided to move into it one day and hauled all my stuff down two flights of stairs while my parents were out, including furniture (they were upset that I 'could have been hurt' but they didn't want to haul it all back upstairs, so I won). It was the first time I did not have to share a room, and I bought and installed locks on the doors myself (mainly to protect against my klepto sibs). It was in the basement next to the garage, a long room that stretched the width of the house. Long enough to cartwheel comfortably in! Large enough to dance wildly in! Separated from my toxic family by a whole level! Because it was the basement, I got to hang things on the wall for the first time (before I wasn't allowed because of tack-holes). There was no light switch, so I turned on the light by screwing/unscrewing a bulb, and I tacked fairy lights to the ceiling and plugged them in for a softer light (my preference unless I was reading). Sometimes I would hang sheets from the ceiling in a maze, so that I felt I was making a sacred journey to the half of the room where I actually lived (like a labyrinth). It had no windows but it had a sliding glass door that opened into the backyard, oh, how I LOVED it. It let in the most beautiful light during the day and at night I could slip outside under the moon without anyone ever knowing (because my bioparents would DEFINITELY have disapproved). And when it RAINED??? There was nothing more beautiful.

God/dess, I loved that room. I miss it so much! I have a 5'x3' sanctuary now -- back then the entire ROOM was my sanctuary, and it was about the size of my current livingroom + bedroom. Part of me desperately wants to move back. The other part says "rent is too much" and "too much space" and "too long a commute for Nimajn" and "the house would need cleansing" and "that room needs fumigating and new carpet before it will be livable" (the renters kept dogs in there) and "the only way it'd be feasible would be to share it with mom, who would Not Approve of my life". But I miss it. And I miss the mimosa. and I miss being able to walk down to the pool. And I miss Emerald, my tree friend. and I miss having actual WOODS right THERE. And not having to worry about neighbors seeing me if I leave the blinds wide open. Oh... *yearns*

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Comments
acid_burns ══╣an american crime╠══
And when it RAINED??? There was nothing more beautiful.

♥!
belenen ══╣blossoming╠══
*hugs!*
dragonwine ══╣black tea╠══
I'm assuming you didn't get along with your biofamily. Neither have I. We currently don't speak at all. How has the experience shaped you?
belenen ══╣interconnectedness╠══
I definitely did not get along when I had to live with them. I get along with my biomom much better now that ze is not trying to change me, but I still have issues with zir because ze is still with my biofather, who is abusive. I do not like or get along with my biofather because of how ze mistreats people, especially my lil sis who is only 14. My biobrother and I aren't really in contact, but we've never been friends.

hmmm. It has shaped me in vast ways, of course... I suppose the most significant way being that... wow, it is hard to decide. I guess just that they taught me so many lies that I had to unlearn, about God and people and life and faith and love, everything. I love my lil sis as a close friend, but I feel acquaintanceship with my biomom and nothing really for my biofather and biobrother. I don't feel any need for any of them to be in my life except my lil sis. I think I would have believed that blood is not a reason for connection anyway, but I learned it faster because of them. My biofather was very blood-prejudiced, constantly telling us that we were a nation and that everyone else would fail us and that friends were nothing next to family and shit like that, which I believed for a long time. Eventually I experienced real friendship, real connection, and I realized how utterly wrong that was.
dragonwine ══╣black tea╠══
Thank you for answering, Bella. I, like you, had a major disconnection with the majority of my family after coming out and the distance hasn't closed since then. So in a lot of respects I understand you and I admire your ability to recognize that the family you're born into doesn't necessarily have to be your true family. It took Megan to show me that because I would suffer greatly trying to adhere to the opinions and criticisms of my own biofamily and felt awful for it.

I'm so glad you're able to maintain a strong connection with your sister. I know it's never easy to finally realize that your blood family isn't everything. You can create your own family and surround yourself with people who appreciate your self-worth. I imagine that from this pain you've grown and matured in endless ways. I admire you.

sabr ══╣╠══
Mimosa's are one of my absolute favorite trees. Those and all the willows :)

I yearn for a sanctuary, but I haven't found it yet.
belenen ══╣tree wisdom╠══
Black willow is my favorite ♥ then Mimosa, live oak, sycamore, and sassafras.

I hope you find it soon!
sabr ══╣╠══
I think my all-time favorite is the weeping cherry but I'm also really fond of japanese maples and corkscrew willows. And not a tree, but of course my orchids.
melissarose8585 ══╣╠══
There's something about your room when you're at that stage. I look back at my old room and think that it needed so much, but it represents so many dreams, fantasies, memories...a time when I was much younger and carefree. I totally understand your feeling.
belenen ══╣tree joy╠══
I think for me, it was mostly about having such a giant window/door into the woods. The other stuff played a large part but... having the woods practically in my room was just heaven for me!
phydeau ══╣╠══
If I didn't live a few hundred miles away, I'd share the rent. I could use some woods, myself.
belenen ══╣dammit╠══
oh, that would be AWESOME! dammit, why does everyone have to be so far away!
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
It sounds like it was a beautiful sanctuary for you.
belenen ══╣tree wisdom╠══
yes indeed ♥
painted_dreams ══╣╠══
I feel that same way about my childhood home... My grandparents sold our old house for a newer one. My room in that house was my favorite place to be.

Part of the reason I am going back home to Hawaii is how connected I feel there... The ocean, the sand and the air is so different then anywhere else and just warms me.

I hope someday soon you get to go back to your space and home.
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
how connected I feel there... The ocean, the sand and the air is so different then anywhere else and just warms me

yes, exactly! ♥
kschap ══╣╠══
From an earlier comment you made to someone else:

"My biofather was very blood-prejudiced, constantly telling us that we were a nation and that everyone else would fail us and that friends were nothing next to family and shit like that, which I believed for a long time."

That is how much of my family is. I'm struggling to free myself of the same ideologies. :P

(I did read this entry and loved your description of the room! I feel like I'm diverting the whole point of the post or something, haha... but man, that comment just spoke to me.)
belenen ══╣interconnectedness╠══
well thank you for saying so! ♥
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.