November 2017
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letter to my bioparent M -- why I don't want to be in contact with you


My bioparent Pat seems to be finally breaking it off with M, zir abusive spouse, so I finally feel free to be plain in my feelings about M. I've been polite for a long time because I feared that if I angered M, ze would take it out on Pat and my lil sis. Now that it seems they might finally find safety, I've written up a letter. I think that this will have more impact than spoken words, considering that I have never (to my memory) written M a letter. I typed it first and then wrote it out in ink, and I intend to give the handwritten pages to M next time I see zir. (which may be soon, since apparently ze is planning on coming to GA in the next few days)

[M] ((bioparent)),

For many years I have not wanted to be around you, and it seems you don't understand why. It is not because of the way you have treated me in the past. It is not because of the way you have treated [lil sis] or [Pat] ((bioparent)) or [S] ((biosibling)). It is not because of mistakes made, not because of inherent dislike, not because of fear or hate or resentment.

The reason is simple; you do not respect anyone, and because of this you harm everyone around you. This is not a thing of the past; it is a vital part of your present. You make threats, you strike out verbally and physically, you demean and manipulate and control. This is not something unchangeable due to personality traits, being male, or being strong -- it is a very important lesson which you have not yet learned.

You cannot respect anyone because you do not respect yourself. You do not see worth in yourself because you believe lies taught to you -- the lie that you cannot learn, that you will not succeed, that no one will ever love you. You have been surrounded by loving people for many years, but you do not let any of their love in and so it does you no good -- you have to choose to believe in it in order to be able to feel it. You cannot trust anyone to treat you kindly out of love, so you force them to obey out of fear. You excuse away any gift given to you, saying that you have earned it or that it was given out of obligation and not truly a gift showing love.

This is a horrible cycle and I know you suffer deeply, because I have been in that place; I no longer suffer because I have sought and found help. This is not a cycle that can be broken by one person alone. If you want to be happy, if you want to learn how to truly give and receive love, if you want to keep from harming everyone around you, if you want people to actually enjoy your presence, you will have to choose to break down the walls and deal with all the pain and brokenness inside you. You will need a person to guide you, someone whom you are utterly honest and vulnerable with who will help you to clean out all of those wounds and finally get healing -- yes, a counselor. You were not meant to be controlling and depressed and angry and mean. Sometimes I can see the true you and that person is wonderful -- but you do not live in that state and it will take a lot of hard work, pain, and humility to get there.

I am very careful in choosing whom to associate with, because I believe that the people you have relationships with affect you. (the one who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools shall be destroyed) I surround myself with people whom I want to be like: people who seek to grow and learn, always becoming more honest, open, compassionate, full of faith, and aware. I avoid people who do not respect themselves or others, and people who do not actively seek to grow. I do not care about blood or DNA or laws; my family is made of the people who walk the same path I do.

If at any point you become ready to learn how to respect and love yourself and others, and actively seek to learn those things, I will be happy to be in contact with you (after you reach the point where you no longer are abusive -- not calling people nasty names or making threats or using violence against others). This is the way I treat everyone; I am not mistreating you by requiring this. This is simply how I live my life.

I do not hold grudges against you for the past. I know you have done a lot of harmful things, but I have forgiven you. Forgiveness does not bring trust or closeness; it simply means that I give up my right to be paid back. I end the debt, which leaves us on neutral terms. To have a relationship with me you have to be walking the same path. I do not know if you will ever walk the same path in this life, but I am not anxious about it because I believe that after death I will get to know the true you and that is good enough for me.

I wish you love and joy and peace and growth.

-the one you know as [K], though that is not my name-

connecting: ,

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Comments
wolfmare ══╣╠══
Beautifully written. At the very least, it should serve to make the person think about things.

I tried for years to say almost exactly what you have here, to one of my own parents. Unfortunately, I lack your gift with words and last year it ended up permanently unresolved... Cancer, and heart problems, wait for nothing.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you ♥

oh no :-( Have you considered writing the letter anyway, and sending it off by burning it?
wolfmare ══╣╠══
I wrote so many letters over the years, and did just that... I never had the nerve to actually give any of them. Maybe I will again soon, just for my own sake.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I think this letter is very honest without being aggressive or rude. I hope M takes it in the spirit intended.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you! I really appreciate this ♥
sripali ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣giving╠══
oh, thank you! ♥
storeyphoto ══╣╠══
Your letter is very powerful! It is honest, open, factual, filled with emotion without being emotional. I am not into labels, but having to deal with individuals that are/were close to me, blood and non-blood, the character you described is that of a "dry-drunk" and the "adult child of an alcoholic". Those little factoids change nothing. You are exhibiting healthy detachment. Bravo!
belenen ══╣giving╠══
mmm, yeah. Not so dry anymore though :-/

thank you! *hugs*
jenniology ══╣I want to believe╠══
Well written, and very moving. I hope your bioparent will take these words in and act upon them.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you *hugs*
folkchick3 ══╣╠══
This is beautifully written. The part about forgiveness really spoke to me - forgiveness is hard enough without people expecting it to "make everything all better". You are so right - It does not bring trust or closeness... I have experienced this in my life. Forgiveness is hard, and you have offered it with dignity and grace.
I think you are a wise and beautiful person.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
oh wow, thank you so much ♥
febrile_lune ══╣╠══
I'm very proud of you, Bel. You are so courageous and beautiful, this letter moved me to tears. I only hope it affects your bioparent in some way... I think it's impossible that it doesn't, though how, I suppose no one can know.

I'm also amazed at your strength to hold on and wait to do this until bioparent M and your lil' sis move out, so that no reaction to the letter is taken out on them.

Thank you for sharing this.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
awww *hugs you close!*

thank you for sharing your reaction, and you are welcome ♥
jendaby ══╣Winged Beastie╠══
This is an excellent letter, obiously carefully worded and very throroughly thought out. You have captured many of the things I have been to timid to say to one of my own parents, and you do it very well. It is empowering to me to read this, too, because it is proof to me that those of us who have dealt with an abusive person can rise above that and move on and define our own boundaries and comfort levels - and that brings me hope and fosters the strength and the courage to let go of some old hurts and move on with making a happier existence for myself and for the people I care about.

You are incredible! :) *hugs*
belenen ══╣giving╠══
oh WOW, I am so so so glad that it inspired you in this way! *hugs back happily* you're pretty incredible yourself!
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
Great letter for so many reasons. You said what you had to say without being mean-spirited. I also admire your strength for being able to dissociate with someone such as a bioparent. Many people feel the obligation to maintain a relationship with bioparents. That's a rough path to walk on sometimes.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
yeah, no kidding. I really feel for people who walk that path -- my lil sis is one, though I hope that once ze is independent that will fade.

thank you ♥
de_course ══╣╠══
That's a lovely letter. I particularly like the closing: Wishing someone growth is the best kind of curse, because it's constructive.
belenen ══╣amused╠══
hee hee, I know what you mean! ;-) thanks!
bellerisa ══╣╠══
This is an amazingly honest letter. It sounds like M needs a lot of help and I hope M is able to seek it one day.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you ♥ I hope so too.
kiwi ══╣╠══
I have two things to say to you.

1. I think you are very brave to write this and even more brave to share it with everyone. It obviously took a lot of thought on your end and I'm honored to have been able to read such a strong piece of writing.

2. While I was on vacation this weekend, I actually thought of you a couple of times, which is always interesting to me - I care about the people I consider friends, don't get me wrong, but it's always interesting to me when someone I don't know IRL pops into my mind. However, you did, and I wound up taking a picture for you. I'll post it eventually, but wanted to let you know that for whatever reason that it might've been...you were in my thoughts.
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
oh wow, thank you so much ♥

awwwwww <3 I'm so honored! I can't wait to see the photo! *hugs!*
rockstarjoker4 ══╣╠══
that's a wonderfully honest and well worded letter. I hope that hearing this from you will help your parent realize what they are giving up. If not, at least you're staying true to what you need, which is an admirable trait. You seem to put alot of effort and thought into the people you choose to associate with, and hopefully, your parent will someday be able to understand why this is so important.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you so much! ♥
phydeau ══╣╠══
Beautiful and horrible honesty. I hope it works out well for you. What a terrible thing.

You have actually inspired me to confront my own father. Not as bad as your own, but I think my only chance at reconciliation is to call him out instead of continuing to pretend everything is fine.

Hon . . . Wow. I'll be thinking of you. That's big. Really big. Bold, necessary, but harsh. I wish I could give you a hug.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
mmm, yeah, very true. The pretending-everything-is-fine will eat you alive.

thank you ♥
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.