December 2017
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discussing my '06breakdown and Ashley breakup with Aurilion / Ashley comes to my flat and we talk!


Some of you will remember the breakdown I had, resulting in the end of my friendship with Ashley and leading to silence with Aurilion (then called Lily). For those who don't know and don't want to read that megapost, I'll sum up: I was deeply hurt, because I thought my tree friend was dead (later found out that ze is still alive!), I thought my cat was dead (ze had run off and been gone for a long while), my sister and mom were in danger, Ben had recently hurt me, I was out of touch with Hannah, and then on top of that I felt like I was being cut off from my closest friend (Ashley) and my only tree-kin (Aurilion). I broke down, Ashley and Aurilion left me, later I called them back and we had a long discussion that just drove the wound deeper.

Yesterday Aurilion and I had a long talk about that night, discussing how ze had felt in that situation. Ze had felt such a desire to reach out to me, to show me compassion and understanding, but had felt that ze couldn't do it, felt as if ze could not speak against Ashley (partly because of not yet knowing how to set boundaries and define zir own will). I had already felt the truth of this -- in fact, I remember seeing that compassion in Aurilion's eyes and feeling insane because I felt zir spirit saying one thing while zir words said another. I remember feeling such desperation at having zir RIGHT THERE and yet as distant as fog. We talked about this for a long while and I assured zir that it does not color zir for me, that I do not see that experience when I look at zir, that I understand, that it is completely forgiven, that I know that was not the actions of zir trueself.

Barely five minutes after Aurilion and I finish talking, there's a loud knock on the door and I dart into the other room (since I was naked as usual). Ben looks out and tells me that it's Ashley! At first I thought ze was joking, because what timing! but it was true! So I put on some clothes and went to talk to zir. Ze's in a very hard situation financially... I wish I could do more to help because I know how dreadful it is to be in that place, but we're in a tight spot right now too. Anyway, I ended up taking zir out for dinner and we had a long talk, which was pretty enlightening.

During the breakup Ashley was very angry with me, and I really had no idea why. I looked at my actions over and over trying to find where I had made a mistake or been unkind, and I could not find fault. Today ze explained that ze had thought I was faking the pain in order to manipulate zir and keep zir from being with Aurilion -- keep zir to myself. (Ashley added that it was even more upsetting when put in the context of our relationship: for over a year I had been helping zir learn how to keep people from manipulating zir) Looking at it from that point of view, I can understand why ze was so angry! I would have been fucking furious myself if I thought someone was manipulating me in that way. It had never even occurred to me that ze could think that because 1) it was so obvious to me that I had good reason for that pain, and 2) I'm really incapable of it. Emotional dishonesty is the deepest level of lies; you have to be really, really good at lying to manufacture fake emotion. And the level of emotion I experienced was so extreme I don't know if anyone could fake it even if they were good at faking it.

Anyway, I finally understand why ze did what ze did, and all the pieces click into place. I had already forgiven zir but it helps to understand the reasons why. There's still some unresolved pain between Aurilion and Ashley, so I'm not comfortable being close with Ashley now, but I think that now it is just a matter of time and we will be friends again eventually.

Today I've felt very odd, thinking about all this and also worrying about Ashley's current situation. :-/ I really hope ze is okay.

ETA: just to clarify, we aren't currently friends and that feels right to me. We're not really in communication (that day was a fluke) and I'm not looking to change that. This didn't really change my feelings about Ashley, it just solved a mystery for me.

connecting: ,

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Comments
the_amberly ══╣╠══
yay Princess Bride reference!!

I'm glad everything is straightening out =)
belenen ══╣amused╠══
hee hee! :D
sleepysunshine ══╣ME!╠══
Your compassion and understanding knows no bounds :) . I'm happy that everything is coming together or working it self out.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
aww, thank you ♥
tralfamadore ══╣Infinity╠══
What a truly interesting situation. In junior high and at the beginning of high school there were two girls I considered to be my closest (and really my only) friends. They hurt me deeply towards the end of my high school years. Though I have since forgiven them, I have never forgotten the pain that they caused me by their betrayal. In that way, perhaps my forgiveness truly has not run pure. I know that we can never be friends again after what happened, but I am very curious to hear their reasoning for what they did and hope someday I will find it.

Even if you can never truly be close to Ashley again, being able to have the closure of knowing what happened between you and being able to express your own feelings and opinions of what went on must provide a greater sense of closure than what you had before.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
I can understand your feelings on those two ex-friends. I hope you can learn the reason someday.

Oh yes, it is helpful. I think I would have appreciated it a lot more before, heh, when I was still hurting from it, but at this point it's just a nice thing to understand. It gives me a better knowledge of what to look out for in the future.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
While I can understand Ashley's anger, given the context of it, I am surprised that ze thought you were manipuating zir. That's just not how you operate. To be manipulative would just be the opposite of the values you stand so passionaterly for. It makes me feel ze didn't know you as well as ze thought, at least not at the time. Also, I think zir own life situation and pain clouded zir judgement.

I do think it is good you are communicating again, at least in that it helps you to understand what went wrong. Good on you for being so forgiving. :)
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
Yeah, I kinda feel the same way - it just doesn't make sense to me that Ashley would feel that way, unless ze was somehow just not thinking straight. The whole possessiveness thing (which I think, -think- ze might have had for me) may have clouded some judgment.. I couldn't say for sure. That night was so tangled!

To be clear - I understand now why Ashley acted the way ze did that night, but I still don't quite see how ze could have jumped to that conclusion, that you were being emotionally manipulative.
delicatexflower ══╣esotsm; clem. "trapped"╠══

yes. i agree, this is belenen she's
talking about! bel is one of the least manipulative
person i know... i think ashley was just being very
insecure.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
aww <3 thank you! (I've worked hard at eliminating manipulative tactics! ;-))
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
*nods* yeah! I think Ashley didn't really consider my character/personality/etc. -- I think it was just that ze was used to that from others and was emotional, so didn't stop to think "hey, this doesn't add up." And I think also ze had a strong desire to go be with you, so chose not to look carefully at that idea, because if it were true it would make it okay for zir to leave.

definitely a tangled night.
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
precisely, yep
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
I was surprised too! I can understand it in one way, and in another it just boggles my mind. It's no wonder I never figured it out in all my efforts to do so. ;-)

thank you!
snowcoma ══╣BelieveInYou╠══
It sounds like you're dealing with everything very well, which will definitely help healing all around.

I had a rather nasty year wherein one of my best friends was acting irrationally angry and aggressive to all around her (I bore the brunt, because I was the other outspoken "alpha female" in the group). She pissed off a lot of people in our mutual circle, and no one seemed to want to find out why she was acting that way. I weathered it and did my best to be supportive, and I'm so glad I did. It turned out there were massive problems at home, all of which were out of her control, and she just couldn't deal with it. We made up, and today she remains one of my closest and most beloved friends.

Hang in there. If two people are close and care about each other there's little their friendship can't weather.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
well, we stopped being close a very long time ago, but at least the hurtful chapter is closed (for me at least), so there is a possibility of friendship in the future.

That's a great story! I bet it meant the world to zir that you didn't give up. I think it's really important to try to learn the why of a situation instead of just concentrating on the what.
wolfmare ══╣╠══
It's good that things are finally being made clearer on this... It's amazing how such things snowball, what could have been simply a slight misunderstanding causing so much pain. I'm glad that it's turning out for the better now.

I am definitely glad the tree is still alive... What exactly had happened?

Interesting though, about the trees... Can't help but think of the word Dryad now. If your hair were green, I'd demand to do a painting! I believe you're the first person I've known who has had such a strong connection to any form of plant life. Even myself, I'm more of an animal spirit by nature, though I respect trees perhaps more then most. Even though I've had to cull saplings and such before, it's always been my way to both apologize and thank them, since I always use what I can, the same as I would thank an animal if I were to hunt.

I think the only sort of tree I have any dislike for is pine, and that's nothing personal to them... I'm just horribly allergic! Not their fault either, but my own for moving to a state well known for it's pine trees! Hehe...
belenen ══╣tree joy╠══
I had thought the mimosa was dead because it was warm so I was expecting leaves, and there were none (because it was nearly December). *snicker* It's a testament to my mental state at the time that it didn't occur to me to think of the time of year (and I had been worried because for several years it had been infested with mimosa webworms). Fortunately I recently visited it and saw it looking quite healthy.

Awwwwwwwww!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ Thank you! *hugs* I love that. ;-) and thank you for treating trees with honor; that is very important to me.

*giggles*
delicatexflower ══╣esotsm; clem. text - "in the rain"╠══

wow!! this totally came out nowhere! talk
about strange timing. perhaps this will make
you two have a big understanding and peace at
what happened with the three of you. i think
this may be a good thing ... *hug* i hope for
the best, as always. ♥
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
yeah, it was REALLY strange timing. A good meeting though!
painted_dreams ══╣pj harvey╠══
That is good that everything has found a resolution. I am glad that you have found an answer to this mystery. I know for unresolved things I find it hard to move on.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
yeah! definitely good to find resolution. ;-)
de_paddestoel ══╣╠══
One: that icon made me smile. How delightful. I'm used to such binary definitions of the world...

Two: I'm happy for the relief that you must feel for a mystery solved. I always find it cathartic to have those kinds of discussions, and wish they could happen more often. So often friends are lost with bad blood, it is so important for things to be open and clear.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
yes! it IS so important.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.