November 2017
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my lack of community because of my rare worldview


In the argument of sorts I posted about a while back, my partner asked me questions about being queer, polyamorous, feminist/equalist, spiritually eclectic, and genderfree -- all things which I thought ze agreed fully with me on. I was utterly crushed because the questions sounded accusing and outsider-ish and made me feel that ze did not agree with me. I later learned that they were sparked by a conversation with someone who doesn't really know me, which is why they felt accusing instead of just curious. My partner explained that ze does agree with me so I wasn't hurt by that anymore, but it made me realize a painful truth:

I don't have community like I used to. Being gendered, monogamous, straight, religious (believing in one religion's set tenets/creed), and non-feminist is a HUGE community with all its own jokes and habits and comfort. Going out and expecting all of these things in common with everyone you meet -- that's a huge part of life that you don't even realize until you no longer have it. I had no idea how lucky I was to only have to consider personality/hobbies/politics/jobs/religion-type as potential differences... I feel alienated from most people because I know that genderfree-poly-queer-spiritual-radicalfeminists are pretty damn rare. It's really lonely to realize that the very basic parts of you are different from most everyone else. And people seem to think of these things as incidental, or little quirks -- but they are not minor differences, they are a completely different worldview. I'm faced with my difference, my separation, every time I read a book or go online or see a movie or go to the store or even think about my friends. It's like... seeing the world in completely different colors than the vast majority of people, in a world where color is how people relate. How can I be understood when I try to describe what to me is blue and to someone else is yellow? Most people cannot hold two conflicting views at once, and since their views conflict with mine they cannot see mine. Even those who CAN hold two conflicting views at once can only watch me dance, they cannot dance with me.

I thank God/dess that some of you can share some of my dances! I am very grateful for that, and for the fact that even when you cannot dance with me you smile and clap along, so that I do not feel alone. And I like seeing you dance, even if it makes me ache a little when others can join in and I can't. I love that seeing our differences keeps my thoughts fresh and brings up questions continually, but it is lonely. Every time I dance alone, unseen, I feel a little sad... I can't even imagine how incredible it would be to have some of you live near me, because I think with time in each other's presence some of us would be able to weave our separate dances together.

It is HARD to keep my beliefs, which make me so uncomfortable with a world in which I do not fit -- but at the same time, I cannot abandon them because I no longer have the ability to numb myself. I can't be monogamous, straight, gendered, religious, or non-feminist, because that would require a betrayal of self which I could not endure. Part of me really misses the time when my differences were so small that they did not separate me from the majority -- being bisexual, but in a monogamous hetero marriage; being angry about gender stereotypes, but still conforming to and believing in gender; seeking truth for myself and believing that God/dess was pro-queer, but not questioning the other basic dogmas or seeking truth outside one belief system; and wanting equality, but not really understanding what that is or speaking up for it. I wouldn't go back even if I could, but I miss feeling comfortable in the world -- never perfectly comfortable, but not vastly different either. Never fully understood, but mostly.

another post on this topic is in the making... explaining more of how being genderfree-poly-queer-spiritual-radicalfeminist is rare, why it is so important to me, and what I mean by each word.

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Comments
aetheric ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
yeahhhh, I think you are in a unique position to understand -- even though we're affected by different things, the effect is the same. There is just so MUCH that most people just can't relate to.

*hugs* Though, interestingly, feeling that same effect definitely draws me closer to you, and the things that you and I do share, we share in an extremely strong way, I think.
xochitl ══╣╠══
I do kind of know what you mean... I've had friends literally shudder when I tried to explain to them that my boyfriend and I are not monogamous.

And then one friend propositioned me for sex, and I turned him down, saying that for the time being I really only want to sleep with Dustin. My friend goes, "Ha! See, I knew once you found the right guy you would be monogamous."

I guess it makes others uncomfortable when people don't fit nicely into society's little compartments.

I haven't been religious in ages, but the gender binary is something I've only recently started to notice, and the more I notice the more it bugs the everliving shit out of me.
belenen ══╣iconoclast╠══
literally SHUDDER? well damn!

omfg, the arrogance/ignorance of that one friend! because poly means 'sleeps with EVERYBODY'? pah!

the more I notice the more it bugs the everliving shit out of me

EX. ACT. LY. it's just EVERYWHERE, ugh. :-/
adamantplatypus ══╣╠══
It takes a very secure person to admit that while they may not agree with something, they value another person's right to embrace it for themselves. It also takes a strong person to admit that while they know their own stance may not agree with someone else's, they won't compromise it to fit into someone else's box.

This is what makes you so unique. Your strength of character and individuality. Perhaps part of your path on this planet is to help others become as secure in their individuality as you are and embrace the things they believe in, without apology, as well?

Just a thought, my lovely spirit.
belenen ══╣interconnectedness╠══
thank you ♥ I've always felt that but somehow it wore thin for a while... But I'm back to focusing on how lucky I truly am. ♥
lorelei_sakti ══╣jessica╠══
I admire you for your adherence to your beliefs. It is all too easy to compromise in order to fit in with society. It is tempting to become comfortable in one's cocoon, wrapped in the false notion that one has learned all there is to learn and there is nothing further to question.
belenen ══╣interconnectedness╠══
It is tempting to become comfortable in one's cocoon, wrapped in the false notion that one has learned all there is to learn and there is nothing further to question.

*nods enthusiastically* thank you ♥
mermaiden ══╣* Love: Kiss Me╠══
*HUGS*

I have always believed that people with unique world views change the world, bit by bit, for the absolute better. *love*
belenen ══╣interconnectedness╠══
mmm, yes indeed... if we could all just become our truest selves, all would be love and joy ♥
painted_dreams ══╣frida╠══
Even though I can't share in all of your dances I think it is beautiful that you are who you are. I may not personally be poly or queer but I have always felt supportive of those who are. I know that love comes in all different packages and it isn't my place to try and place you in this box that makes me more comfortable.

I think it is wonderful that you are so rare because you are one of the most inspiring and amazing people I've had the opportunity to get to know.

I think it is amazing you are so spiritual and a radical feminist (I share in this).

What I see in you is this amazing being. You have this incredible light and passion. Even without a community your presence in this world is felt. I have always believed that the universe and others feel the love and freedom that radiates from a soul that is true to themselves.

I think whatever is out there god or goddess is so much more then we can ever describe.

I truly believe that when we live our lives true to who we are it inspires others to do the same.

*hug*
belenen ══╣loving╠══
you are one of the most inspiring and amazing people I've had the opportunity to get to know. ... What I see in you is this amazing being. You have this incredible light and passion. Even without a community your presence in this world is felt. I have always believed that the universe and others feel the love and freedom that radiates from a soul that is true to themselves.

oh wow, thank you so much ♥ thank you thank you ♥ *hugs*
delicatexflower ══╣nature; "orange gerbera daisy"╠══

i think the most important thing for you to do is continue live life the way you've been doing, as open and honest as possible, for you! i appericate your views and your lifestyle. i think highly of you, i think you must remind yourself there's no wrong or right way of living ... it's how you live. (if that makes sense) ♥ i don't know if any of this makes sense, but i promise it's something i feel strongly about.
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
thank you Angie, I appreciate your encouragement so much!
moon_orchid ══╣Solitude╠══
It is for these (and other reasons) that I become more and more grateful for my household and my community. I often forget that so many of my choices or views are so alien to some folks, or that there are people who'd damn me straight to hell if they knew.

Good thing I don't believe in hell. ;)

Your self-expression is ... different than mine, for sure. But I like the differences, and it means a lot to me to just be on the other end of the internets.

I know (I really do) how it can feel so lonely. Please know in your heart that we aren't alone. And you, Bel, are loved beyond what you can even see.

Thanks for being you.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you so much ♥
phydeau ══╣╠══
I think most people (or at least a majority) feel something like that. If you consider enough facets, there are just too many variables for a significant number of people to all fit together perfectly. Thankfully, I think a good number of people realize that and ARE intelligent enough to hold two conflicting views.
I'm not gay or bi, but I accept without hesitation people who are. I've never been in a polyamorous relationship, but I can understand and appreciate the level of trust and lack of jealousy that it would take (and I'm certain I could handle it if the situation ever presented itself to me). I'm not a woman, but I'm as much of a feminist as any man can be. I'm not spiritual at all, but I used to be, and I love when people feel their connection to the universe.
Sometimes I feel alone in the world, too. But there are people out there who get me. If it makes you feel any better, I get you.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
I think most people (or at least a majority) feel something like that.

mm, I disagree. There's a difference between having different careers/hobbies/personalities and having different worldviews. But I am VERY lucky to have so many friends who can hold two conflicting views ♥

thank you ♥
jania_monster ══╣╠══
Hey. :)

I still use LJ, now more since they brought that sort-of-basic account back. Since that is so important to me I'm watching and waiting. If it falls apart before Christmas, I think I'll let LJ go but if it doesn't, I'll renew my paid account and that means I'll be here at least for another year. Heh... That was my update on LJ activity.

I still read you occasionally. This post made me think about the feelings of alienation that -I think- many people must feel. Most people probably don't, not to the extent that you do, of being at odds with the world completely, but I do think that there are surprisingly many who do; many who cannot explain their colors and have others see.

This is what comforts me when that thought depresses me: perhaps we cannot see the world through each other's eyes, but since there must be so many of us who feel like outsiders, don't we sort of form a community on that ground? That is what is in-common to us all, the feeling of alienation from what used to be our place.

It's feeble, I know, and definitely not the same as really and truly sharing your life views but I think it's still a tiny bit comforting, something to alleviate the occasional feeling of loneliness. ^^

I will admit that I probably do not feel all this as keenly as you and therefore a small connection such as I described is enough to comfort me more but I thought I'd share the thought anyway.

Oh, and one more thing... this came to me as I was browsing my flist today. Do you feel that the Curvygirls community has started to deviate from its original course, alter from the original message? I can't help but feel that there is less true here-and-now type body positivity and more veiled omg-I/you-lost-weight;look-gorgeous-now type comments and posts? Maybe I'm wrong...

In most cases it seems innocent enough, people wanting to support one another and give compliments, but the ladies seem to have fallen into this age old "I wish I were you" type complimenting. It's been bothering me a little...

When comments like "I wish I had your hour glass shape" or "wow, I'd kill for those legs" creep in, something is lost for me. When the posts that people make look like they're more about showing off abs than showing off self esteem, it's just not the same anymore.

I've never been diagnosed with an ED, but I think I'm a slight over-eater. Really. Not binging, but to the point that it doesn't feel good anymore. That's when I gain weight... so (kind of opposite to the actual curvy message, heh) I really do lose some weight when I'm happy. I feel peaceful and not constantly hungry. I eat when I'm hungry though, I don't hold myself back... but I don't over do it either. I'm never TOO full.

Yeah, Curvygirls isn't a therapy session, but it is helpful. :) It's a helpful place. It brings happiness to me to see all these awesome ladies who love themselves just as they are (and who are loved just as they are, too!) and who flaunt their confidence but do it with lots of warmth and heart. I start feeling myself stronger around these women, I feel at peace. I would hate to lose that. The community has come to mean so much to me...

If you think I'm worried over nothing, I think I will accept that and just shut my gap. :) If you don't see what I'm imagining I'm seeing, I will take your word for it and feel relieved that I was wrong.

I hope you're not offended that I talked about this here? If you are, please tell me, so I'll know not to do it again. :)

~Jania
belenen ══╣curvygirl╠══
I've really lost my passion for curvygirls... I guess once I got to the point of full body love, I wasn't learning anything so I was no longer sharing the journey. And I just stopped being such a good mod... not checking comments, not contributing. (those comparing comments are against the rules) I'm going to be turning it over to someone else to maintain.

I appreciate your passion -- do you want to be a co-mod? You have the right ideas about the purpose of it and that is so important. I think maybe I am burnt out, also, and if someone else becomes maintainer I may find the fire again.
jania_monster ══╣╠══
Well... sure, why not. There's seven of us, then? If you leave? Or are you thinking that you'd still stay as a moderator instead of the maintainer?

Perhaps you should use it for pure fun, for a while? :) You like to model, don't you?

Oh and, I would like it, if someone explained to me my responsibilities and what I'm allowed and not allowed to do as a moderator. I've never moderated a community before.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
*hugs* I am glad to share some dances with you and to be able to clap along with others.

Also, it's your rarity that I love about you. You are a true original!
belenen ══╣giving╠══
awww :D thank you!
musicandmisery ══╣mulholland drive - laura & naomi [one]╠══
I understand you, Bel. My worldviews aren't as drastically different from the world's as yours are, but I am SO uncomfortable around "normal" regular people. Especially some of my family. The way I feel when I hold back and mask who I really am, just so I don't have to deal with confrontation, is miserable. I hate it hate it hate it hate it. That's why I cherish the internet and my friends on the internet SO MUCH. I can be myself here.

I can't think of anything to really make you feel better, but I hope you know that all your friends here support you no matter what you think and feel. ♥



(also, no words can describe how much I love that icon. ♥)
belenen ══╣loving╠══
thank you so much ♥ I reeeeeeeeally know what you mean about holding back and masking around family -- I feel the need to do that around Nim's family (well, the parents anyway) and it makes me not want to be around them. It's so frustrating.

*hugggggggs*

thank you! the base is from obsessiveicons -- they create some of the most beautiful bases and icons I've ever seen.
free2be ══╣╠══
That's what happens when you let yourself go. When you give in to YOU.

You become more you. The more you YOU become, the less you identify with others for you no longer need to find yourself in them or through them and their identifications.

As you become more comfortable being you, the comfort you once found through group identification isn't quite as satisfying...and it no longer fits anyway.

Keep honoring yourself and your desires and give, give, give and love.

I know what you mean even though I am not like you.

belenen ══╣analytical╠══
hmmm, yes, this is true! thank you.
brassdaughter ══╣beauty╠══
Oh, Bel--though I know our journey is so very different in many ways, still this hit home.

I wouldn't go back even if I could, but I miss feeling comfortable in the world -- never perfectly comfortable, but not vastly different either. Never fully understood, but mostly.
You've given the perfect words to something I think about often. My queer identity alone has been such a fight, and life would have been so much easier if I'd been straight. But I'd NEVER choose to be straight.

I hope you can find a community as beautiful as you are.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*hugs tightly*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.