February 2018
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to you: anonymous unsent letters


You enchanted me with your fire -- so fierce and bold! You were the first person I had ever known who lived louder than I did, and I think knowing you set something free in me. I love you for that, even though your fire burned me. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm a little less flammable, and maybe you're a little more bordered... I try to imagine connecting with you again, but then I stop short. It feels like our paths have split -- so much time, so much change...

You were the first person I had ever known who was willing to be open and vulnerable. I cannot even imagine where my life would have gone if I had never met you -- I cannot imagine myself without the openness you inspired in me. I remember you crying in my arms, and the awe I felt at how you allowed me in, not locking yourself away in your pain like everyone else I'd ever known. We knew each other such a short time! yet part of me is still in love with you. I don't know where you are or how your life is going, but I hope and pray with all my heart that you know the true love, respect, and safety that you so very much deserve.

You and you and you reached out to me, but felt that I did not reach back... I still feel sorry that I did not do more. You might have thought that I just didn't care, but that was never true. I think I was unsure of myself, afraid of failing to meet what I saw as your high hopes, and felt like you were looking for something from me that I didn't have. It was I hope that I've learned from these experiences and will find the right way next time... and I very much hope that you find what you were looking for.

You disappointed me with how you cast me aside and even now count that as a minor thing. But at the same time I know that what I was looking for from you, you did not have to give then, and still do not have to give now. I'll always hope for it because you sparkle like no one else, and good grief are you blindingly brilliant. But you have to grow at your own pace and in your own way, and if we never have that closeness I feel like we were meant to have in this life, that's okay. I still feel that link to you, and I know it will blossom, though I may have to wait for the next life or the Beyond.

You were the first person I ever said 'I love you' to. I meant more than affection or fondness -- I meant deep, intense, never-ending love, and yes I still feel it. I feel like I've peeled away so many layers of falseness from myself since then, but it feels to me like you haven't. Part of me wants to go to you and shake you, scream at you, demand that you let out your wildness, rip away your layers like Aslan did for Eustace -- and I think I would, if I was sure it was there, if I was sure that it was what your trueself wanted. But maybe it isn't. Maybe you are your trueself and I just don't want to believe it. Maybe you are completely fulfilled, satisfied, happy... I hope so, and then again I hope not, because I feel like the you that I knew could not be happy without that thrilling, slightly-scary wildness I used to see in you. And I feel guilty because I feel like I could have helped you hold on to that, if we'd stayed close. But maybe that was a layer that you've since shed, and I'm hoping otherwise because it was the thing I loved most about you. Does that mean I never saw your trueself? How could I have felt such connection with something that wasn't the REAL you? I feel I can't say this to you because if someone said it to me, I would be so deeply hurt, and I could so easily be very wrong. I guess I may never know... I wish I could let it go.

You may never be an active part of my life, but you will forever be a part of my heart.

You meant more to me than I ever realized. I do love you. I don't know how to mend this, but I hope it can one day be mended.

You made me believe in magic and God/dess and connection in a way I never had before, but I feel like I somehow lost faith in you. I want it back but haven't any idea how to find it again... I can only hope that you still have enough faith in me, in us, to build my trust again. I miss you, and not for what you gave me or inspired in me, because I have that still. I don't need you anymore -- I just miss you for who you are.

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Comments
adamantplatypus ══╣╠══
I find - for myself - that sometimes I get so wrapped up in what I love about someone that I forget they have flaws. And when they do something "wrong", it sets my world on kilter because I was picturing the person in my head, not necessarily the parts and facets of that person I was...not neglecting to see, but...never occurred to me to remember. If that makes sense.

Personal relationships are so important. I like the way you analyze and think about them. It says a lot about how important they are to you and that says a lot about your deep caring personality.
belenen ══╣pensive╠══
thank you ♥ I feel that it is important not to forget the 'bad' relationships (or the ones that ended badly) because they teach so much.
fire_my_spirit ══╣╠══
I could have written most of this for someone. <3
belenen ══╣amused╠══
♥ (this was 8 someones ;-))
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
This is the most stunningly beautiful piece of writing I've read in a long time!
belenen ══╣voltaic╠══
oh my gosh, wow, thank you!
acid_burns ══╣╠══
You have such a beautiful heart.
belenen ══╣kissy╠══
awww ♥
fyrebard ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣artless╠══
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
*hugs* The loss of a deep friendship hurts for years after the fact. I really think society undervalues friendship and underestimates the pain of its loss.

belenen ══╣console╠══
yes, indeed! *hugs back*
aubkabob ══╣simpsony me╠══
This seems like an appropriate place to say that you still appear to me in dreams - they are always filled with giant clouds of love and happiness and lots of vivid violet.

I try to live my life without regret, but sometimes have a wistful regret-like wispiness when I think of you - that I was never able to give as much of myself to you as you deserve, as you may have needed.

I grew so much for knowing you. I still see amazing changes in me that I at times forget occurred. Every once in awhile, I see myself living a bit more out loud and remember that it was you that taught me that.

I also thought of you oh so very much when I was in a car and drove by My Favorite Granther Tree on the way home... a lovely beautiful, soulful willow, to see that it had been cut down. I was so upset and heartbroken. I walked by the stump a few days later, to say goodbye, and felt as if it said "Thank you for noticing me and talking TO me". On the sawed off trunk of the tree, there was a nice palm-sized piece of the inner trunk just sitting there. I felt as if it was an offering to me, something to bring home with me. I picked it up and smelled it all the way home, remembering how beautiful of a spirit the tree had.

Hee, I'm almost in tears just typing that or admitting that for the first time.

I also knew that out of every person I have ever met, that I think that only YOU could have understood my feelings on the matter. I also thought of the post that you did where you had sort of the same situation.

And now that the response has grown past all that I had originally planned on putting here... ;)
belenen ══╣treespirit╠══
oh, what a lovely lovely gift the tree gave you... wow...

*hugs tightly*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.