July 2017
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to you: anonymous unsent letters


You enchanted me with your fire -- so fierce and bold! You were the first person I had ever known who lived louder than I did, and I think knowing you set something free in me. I love you for that, even though your fire burned me. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm a little less flammable, and maybe you're a little more bordered... I try to imagine connecting with you again, but then I stop short. It feels like our paths have split -- so much time, so much change...

You were the first person I had ever known who was willing to be open and vulnerable. I cannot even imagine where my life would have gone if I had never met you -- I cannot imagine myself without the openness you inspired in me. I remember you crying in my arms, and the awe I felt at how you allowed me in, not locking yourself away in your pain like everyone else I'd ever known. We knew each other such a short time! yet part of me is still in love with you. I don't know where you are or how your life is going, but I hope and pray with all my heart that you know the true love, respect, and safety that you so very much deserve.

You and you and you reached out to me, but felt that I did not reach back... I still feel sorry that I did not do more. You might have thought that I just didn't care, but that was never true. I think I was unsure of myself, afraid of failing to meet what I saw as your high hopes, and felt like you were looking for something from me that I didn't have. It was I hope that I've learned from these experiences and will find the right way next time... and I very much hope that you find what you were looking for.

You disappointed me with how you cast me aside and even now count that as a minor thing. But at the same time I know that what I was looking for from you, you did not have to give then, and still do not have to give now. I'll always hope for it because you sparkle like no one else, and good grief are you blindingly brilliant. But you have to grow at your own pace and in your own way, and if we never have that closeness I feel like we were meant to have in this life, that's okay. I still feel that link to you, and I know it will blossom, though I may have to wait for the next life or the Beyond.

You were the first person I ever said 'I love you' to. I meant more than affection or fondness -- I meant deep, intense, never-ending love, and yes I still feel it. I feel like I've peeled away so many layers of falseness from myself since then, but it feels to me like you haven't. Part of me wants to go to you and shake you, scream at you, demand that you let out your wildness, rip away your layers like Aslan did for Eustace -- and I think I would, if I was sure it was there, if I was sure that it was what your trueself wanted. But maybe it isn't. Maybe you are your trueself and I just don't want to believe it. Maybe you are completely fulfilled, satisfied, happy... I hope so, and then again I hope not, because I feel like the you that I knew could not be happy without that thrilling, slightly-scary wildness I used to see in you. And I feel guilty because I feel like I could have helped you hold on to that, if we'd stayed close. But maybe that was a layer that you've since shed, and I'm hoping otherwise because it was the thing I loved most about you. Does that mean I never saw your trueself? How could I have felt such connection with something that wasn't the REAL you? I feel I can't say this to you because if someone said it to me, I would be so deeply hurt, and I could so easily be very wrong. I guess I may never know... I wish I could let it go.

You may never be an active part of my life, but you will forever be a part of my heart.

You meant more to me than I ever realized. I do love you. I don't know how to mend this, but I hope it can one day be mended.

You made me believe in magic and God/dess and connection in a way I never had before, but I feel like I somehow lost faith in you. I want it back but haven't any idea how to find it again... I can only hope that you still have enough faith in me, in us, to build my trust again. I miss you, and not for what you gave me or inspired in me, because I have that still. I don't need you anymore -- I just miss you for who you are.

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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.