December 2017
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bioparent Pat is nearby / visiting UU & Unity w Pat / coming out to Pat as bi, poly, & with Aurilion


My bioparent Pat (not the name ze goes by but I don't want to have biofamily's names in here and the initials are for people who are not active parts of my life) has FINALLY separated from M and has moved into the house they have in my city. We've spent some time together, sometimes working on the house (which ze is pretty much overhauling -- new flooring, paint, plumbing, driveway, porch, stairs, etc.) and sometimes just hanging out, and a few times we've gone to church.

Week before last we visited a Unitarian Universalist church together. It was a gathering of open-minded people who wanted to be a force of good, which I really appreciate, but it just didn't have the sacred feel I'm looking for. If I were to go there I'd have to find another church I could alternate weeks with, or go to at a different time of day. I wish they met later in the day because I'd love to go to both the UU church and some other one, but oh well. I did love that they were so affirming and community-oriented, and I thought it was both funny and awesome that Pat met two people who were probably the first lesbian couple ze had ever met. :D They both were really friendly, explaining why they joined the church (mentioning that they wanted a place that would accept them as a couple) and Pat seemed to be warm towards them.

This Sunday we went to Unity, which was really amazing because the talk was on finding peace of mind even in difficult times, which is so exactly what Pat needed to hear! I really loved the service -- as usual there was a very sweet spirit to it, especially during meditation time, and the music was a little more energetic than usual which I REALLY appreciate. I do love everything about it except the music and the fact that the vast majority of members are so much older than me. I think I'm gonna have to mix'n'match -- maybe go to Unity in the morning and Liberty in the evening (I miss Liberty worship!). Anyway, Pat liked it too except for the music. I'm finding it fun going to various churches with zir! I have a few more in mind, but we'll have to skip next weekend because I'M GONNA BE IN NC WITH MY BELOVED AURILION YAAAAAAAY!!! :D (I leave on Thursday *bounce bounce*)

So then we parted ways for a bit as ze had to do some house-renovation meetings, and then that evening we met for dinner at Olive Garden (not my thing as I can't stand overpriced food, but it's zir favorite) as a belated birthday present. We had a fairly nice time -- there was some discussion of zir abusive spouse M, which is not very enjoyable but understandable. (ze's doing a really wonderful job of breaking free, bit by bit) Afterward we went over to Starbucks (which I don't really like anymore but all the good coffeeshops are on the other side of town) and talked over coffee and after insane jolts of adrenaline...

I told zir,

"So. For possibly the first time, I really want you to be part of my life."
[[Ze got a "mm-hm" look on zir face and I asked "what?" but ze didn't say anything so I just continued. I had expected zir to be happy about that, heh. Later I realized ze might have been hurt by the fact that I didn't want it before? Which is weird to me because we've never had a healthy relationship so it just seems fact to me... but I think it may have been nourishing for zir even though it wasn't for me. OR it may have been an I-know-what's-coming look?]]
I continued, "I really admire what you're doing and feel you are on a growth path, and I think we can have a wonderful relationship..." [[I tried to explain how that meant being open and honest with zir but I was so nervous at this point that I was probably scarcely coherent]] "There are some important things about me that you might not know. I'm bisexual, meaning I'm open to romantic relationships with people no matter what their sex, and polyamorous --"

"Poly-what-ious?"

"Polyamorous. It means that I am open to multiple committed romantic relationships. I'm currently in a relationship with a woman named Aurilion; we've been together for almost 7 months."

"So, what's she like?" [[I'm thinking, where's the shock???]]

"ummmmmm..." *sits daydreamy for a minute* "uh, she's... just wonderful, amazing... the most tenderhearted person I've ever known... umm... there is just so much wonderful that I don't know where to start! She's so full of faith, I've learned so much from her!" (I haven't discussed being genderfree with Pat yet so still using gendered pronouns, though it feels EXTREMELY awkward, and downright wrong to write :-p)

[[silence for a minute, then Pat starts randomly talking about me as a little kid (what?).]]

...

At this point I am thoroughly weirded out and thrown! I remember zir being pretty rigidly religious, so I thought ze would object on those grounds, and even if ze had learned that God doesn't have a problem with it, most people find the idea of polyamory pretty strange when they first hear about it. And since ze is certain that zir spouse cheated and most people think of polyamory as a form of cheating, I thought ze might be a little sensitive to the topic, but... nothing!

Later I mentioned that this week I'm going to NC to visit Aurilion and meet zir parents (one of them, at least, the other may be out of town the whole time), see zir campus, meet zir friends... I explained that ze had come to visit me twice already but this was my first time going to visit zir and I was excited, and Pat acted like all of this was the most normal thing in the world. Which, you know, is kind of awesome but all kinds of confusing. I'm wondering if a little birdy might have told zir already? *raises eyebrow at lil sis* I do intend to discuss it more with zir now that all the anxiety is out of the way, because I'm a little concerned that ze is not speaking zir mind out of fear of losing me when I'm the only supportive person ze has nearby. (if I've made the decision to have you in my life, then disagreeing with me or my choices is not going to make me drop you (unless you're disrespectful). If you think that my path is not the best one, that's fine -- just don't assign me any qualities based on that (selfish, uncaring, cheating, perverted, disapproved-of-by-God/dess, etc.) and don't try to manipulate me into a path you would prefer)

I also explained some of how my relationship with Aurilion has strengthened and deepened my relationship with my partner, and ze looked interested and listened thoughtfully. At the very end as we were walking to our cars I asked, "So, do you have any questions about polyamory or my relationship with Aurilion?" and ze was like "no" in this lilting shrugging way and I just continue to be flabbergasted.

And through all of this my stomach was in absolute KNOTS. I expected it to be easy, but alllll of Saturday I felt queasy and nervous (I wanted to do it on National Coming Out Day but I couldn't get in contact with zir in time) and then I felt soooooooo nervous Sunday, especially all through dinner and then I nearly died of nerves when we went to coffee. I have no idea why it was such a big deal!

The reason I haven't come out before is because my biofamily hasn't been part of my life (except my lil sis, who I did come out to). It's really weird to me having my bioparent back in my life after... 6 years of very little contact. I haven't felt negatively toward Pat for a very long time, but when ze was with M, talking to zir would make me shake with rage and depress me because ze would tell me how M abused zir. Now it's still hard to talk to zir but I can feel the chains slowly loosening and that makes all the difference in the world. I'm really excited to see how ze becomes zir trueself. 10 years ago a person prophesied that we would become like best friends and I thought that was ridiculous, but now I could actually see that happening.

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Comments
adamantplatypus ══╣╠══
I certainly hope silence and then changing the subject and not asking questions wasn't a sign of something akin to humoring you. You'd know better than any of us - being that you were THERE - but the way you described it I sort of get this extra-sensory idea that perhaps it was shrugged off rather than really accepted for what it is. But that's an outsider's view and could be completely inaccurate.

I'm glad you had the courage to approach someone about something that meant so strongly to you - the idea that you knew you might face an emotional storm of negativity but also knew it had to be faced to get to a potentially better place is very refreshing to me. You're definitely a stronger spirit than even you realize!

sidheblessed ══╣Not a phase╠══
To be honest, I wonder if Pat suspects this is a phase you're going through and is therefore just going along with it. I wonder if once they realise that being bisexual and polyamorous is not a phase at all and that you are truly in love with Aurilion, not just having a fling, you'll see a bigger reaction.
ladywind ══╣Raven╠══
also possible: thy Pat is going through such a big shift already that one more thing that doesn't look like it's going to threaten zir and doesn't look like it's doing you or yours any harm...it just doesn't totally register.

"I'm already swallowing so much change, what's this added to the mix?" Not so much "it's just a phase", or shrugging-off, more "we'll add this to the pile of things to process; Divine knows it's big enough." ~shrug~

You know zir, though, and I'm only supposing.

I'd say coming out to zir is certainly a mark of Bel the Courageous, though. :) Now for Bel the Patient, as you all wait for all Pat's ash to settle. You know?
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
This was my thought, as well.
fire_my_spirit ══╣╠══
This is pretty much what I was thinking, also.
celestialsight ══╣Hope/Love╠══
I'm glad you have this chance to become closer to your bioparent, I hope things continue to go better than you expected. ♥
jendaby ══╣cinnamon╠══
Well, congratulations on taking that big step and coming out! i remember how nervous I was to do so with my parents, too! I also did not get the expected response. It was also a positive one. It turned out that they had known people in poly relationships before and so it wasn't a strange concept to them.

Other family members had a slightly harder time wrapping their minds around the concept, but were ultimately just happy as long as we were happy, and asked a lot of general questions like "What's she like" because they wanted to make sure that we were happy.

But my grandmother seemed very not-shocked, and then thought about it for a couple of days (processing time) and then called with some questions. That might be what Pat is doing, too?

Regardless, *hugs* you did good.

BTW, the only church I ever went to with any regularity was Unity. I really liked the openness and the caring attitude of people. There are branches all over the country, and the age of the group really varies. I was in a Unity youth group when I was 12. My parents attended a Unity in PA that had many young families. I think it is cool that you are investigating different places to find what works best for you. That's very enlightened and awesome. :)
musicandmisery ══╣david/gillian - muah!╠══
Oh my gosh, this is such an amazing post, Bel!

I'm so happy that something amazing might blossom in this relationship and that ze (ha!) was so (apparently) accepting of your love. :)



♥!
pmax3 ══╣╠══
I'm glad you are getting along better with Pat. I think ze was not sure how to react to what you were expressing to zir, but I'm only an outsider so don't know.
melstrick ══╣╠══
UUs...
Yay! I love UU's! Did you go to UUCA? I go there sometimes... anyway... just wanted to say hi!
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
When you first mentioned your bioparent Pat, I wondered if your biomom knew how amazing of a person you really are... and turns out she's just getting started! She seems like she's open (or been open) to you. This prophecy may hold true afterall. :)
folkchick3 ══╣╠══
You are brave and beautiful and I applaud you. What you did was not easy, but it was true. I admire you so much for that.
diepunyhuman ══╣gentle╠══

For some reason I'm happiest for your trip, but this seems to be very good in general. Might not be what you expected, but (with me being a worrier and all) it most certainly could've been worse. Your openness is one of the traits I most admire in you (and Aurilion too)!
necrocute ══╣╠══
On the spiritual front, I'm curious have you ever been to a Quaker meeting?
acid_burns ══╣résumé╠══

I am so incredibly PROUD of you, Bel. You're absolutely and completely full of wonders. I'm wishing and hoping you're on the road to friendship with your bioparent because dammit... she has such an amazing child in you and it'd be a shame if she chose not to get to know you.

What a beautiful post. Yet again ::hug::

♥♥♥


Also, I was just listening to this song by Missy... and I don't know if you've heard it... but here it is. It's so gorgeous.

... It was a blind winter when she headed off,
written on her head was "failure to conform"
She had her left hand apon a stick but she'd had enough
so she threw away her one way home.

She said "I'm just another girl who wants to know
just where you think it's written down,
this way that we should go."
She said "I'm just another girl who wants to know
just where you think it's written down,
this way that we should go..."
brassdaughter ══╣imagine╠══
I admire you so much for finding the courage to come out--even when you know it will be all right in the end it's so hard to go there. I hope Pat's reaction is a sign of better times to come, and that your relationship blooms from here.
(As an aside, I feel the same about UU churches--much as I love their mission, it's hard to feel the spirituality there.)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.