November 2017
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frustration with new growth / awful happening from last week


I'm feeling frustrated in an about-to-burst-out-of-chrysalis kind of way. I feel like I learned things on this visit that I haven't yet been able to bring from spirit to mind in order to fully know them. And I feel like something is incomplete, something is almost but not there yet. I'm struggling to slip back into my life, because I stepped out of it so completely and I wasn't really ready for that. With the trip to visit Hannah this year, I had many months to get ready and I knew it would be a Big Deal, but this one was planned and made in two weeks, and I had no idea it would be so different from the times Aurilion has come to visit me. (it was a good visit, but not an easy one!)

And there was something intense and horrible that happened two days before I left... I was far too raw to write about it then, but I'm going to try now. First, let me give you an image (guard your heart, it's hurtful):

Imagine there was a stray dog that always hung around your childhood house, which you rarely paid any attention to. You had never had any pets, so you didn't feel much about this dog -- it was just part of life. You go away for many years and return after you have lived with dog friends and learned how they communicate -- what the twitch of an ear or the thump of a tail signify. You realize that this dog is really pretty special, with how it faithfully guards and loves despite receiving nothing in return. For the first time you reach out to this dog, sit with zir for a little while and begin to feel excited about developing a friendship with zir. Then the next time you come to the house, you see the dog not only dead but ripped apart all over the yard, and you know that it was your parent who ordered it done. You thought you had explained how the dog was important to you, but ze either didn't listen or didn't care.

That's something of how I felt about Pat having the trees in the front yard just brutally murdered. Ze didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye, or give me any warning. Ze had mentioned 'removing' the trees but I didn't think ze would do it without talking to me again about it, since I told zir the idea deeply upset me. I just... fail to understand how a person can just take life for the sake of a LOOK. (Ze wants grass in the front yard) And... I thought ze was more sensitive than that!

I also feel strong regret because I didn't speak up as much as I could have, I didn't tell zir about the fact that yes, plants have feelings and spirits, and I connect with trees more deeply than with any other non-human creature. I wasn't ready to share that, and so they died and there is no getting them back. I know their spirits cannot truly be killed, but their opportunity to share shade and homes for insects and animals is gone. No more can they dance in the wind or nuzzle into the face of rain. No more can they make sweet shushusha music. No more can they put out living jewels of leaves. No more can they stand as guardians of wisdom and silent witnesses of love. How could their gift be so scorned? I don't think they will stay (like the yellow poplar on the Etowah Mounds), since they were killed in so cruel and selfish a manner -- not to protect anything but to produce a lawn like all the others. And that would only be fair, for them to be reborn elsewhere... but the house! I feel that it has been stabbed in the heart. The very soul of the house was in those trees... now it looks naked, like a skeleton stripped of skin and flesh and muscle, all organs laid bare.

I feel I cannot bear to go back there. Yet, that's where my parent is going to be living, possibly for the rest of zir life... I was planning on living there also, for at least a time. I don't know how to heal this, really, how do I mourn? Pat wants me to come over and spend time with zir, painting and working on the house, and I really just can't even imagine that. Somehow I have to find a way to say goodbye... I may see if there will be a time when there will be no one else at the house, and go there to apologize to the few who were left standing, and say goodbye to each of the stumps.

You think you own whatever land you land on
the Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
but I know every rock and tree and creature
has a life, has a spirit, has a name

And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends




sounds: Enigma -- "20,000 Miles Over The Sea"
connecting: , , , , , ,

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Comments
painted_dreams ══╣nature╠══
I think that is so sad... *hug* It makes me so upset to see what people do to nature. Ripping away trees, clearing out meadows and digging into mountains all for the sake of humans and their need for comfort.

Being back home in Hawaii after being gone so long it made me sad to see that so many things have changed. There was this beautiful tree in the old neighborhood I grew up that is no longer there. I drove by to see it missing. I didn't realize until it was gone just how much that tree had given to the neighborhood. It made it beautiful and warm... Now there is just dead grass and dried leaves...

firthy ══╣╠══
adamantplatypus ══╣eyebrow╠══
*offers a hug*
celestialsight ══╣╠══
A couple years ago, I stopped at the house I grew up in, the house my grandparents built, for a yard sale. The new owners had cut down most of the trees in the yard and I totally understand how you must feel. *hugs*
wolfmare ══╣╠══
I went through much the same with my dog, Caleb, years ago. I'd had to move to a different state, and had plans arranged with my dad to move my dog shortly after. A couple weeks later, I had called, only to find out he had been killed by a cougar, trying to guard what he knew as home. My dad hadn't even thought it was worth calling me.

The same week, the cockatiel I'd helped raise from very nearly an egg got out through a window thoughtlessly left open by my cousin.

Those two were more then 'pets', they were my companions, and at times the only true friends I had. It was five years ago, and I'm still mourning them.
blackryptonite ══╣jimmy olsen2╠══
I'm really sorry to hear that.
Some people aren't aware of their connection with nature. The only thing we can do is hold on to our belief to show them that we all are connected to each other in a circle, in a hoop that never ends.

Lich
phydeau ══╣╠══
When I was 3, we had a Willow tree in the front yard. I used to like to lay on my back and reach up to touch the branches reaching back. I remember feeling like the tree liked to play with me. I would have been devastated if someone cut it down.

I'm sorry to hear that.
tralfamadore ══╣tree - fading row black and white╠══
My family was invited to a friend's house tonight for a "bonfire," supposedly in celebration of our friendship and of the shifting seasons. My parents went ahead and I stayed behind for a bit with my sister. When the two of us arrived, our friend approached and told us that she needed some help cutting down a few trees by the side of the road. My sister jumped eagerly at the opportunity, something which I don't blame her for. This friend made it sound like a game. "Let's all pile in my truck and chain a tree to the back and drag it through the gravel into my pasture to pile in this huge twist of limbs." I apologize; I do apologize because I know that was so graphically put, but that's exactly what it was. Reluctantly, I went along. I don't know what I was thinking, except that someone needed to be there who actually respected the truth behind what was happening.

It was an absolutely horrifying sight to me. I can't begin to describe what it was like, listening to the sound of the chainsaw rip through the trunks, hearing the catcalls of this friend and my sister, watching as chains were thrown around what was left of the body, and being the person designated to watch the tree as it dragged and twisted behind the truck in order to be certain that it didn't hit or catch the fence.


There was one tree that lodged the chainsaw halfway into its trunk. Try as she might, my friend couldn't get it to budge past halfway. Instead she hooked the chains around it where it stood and used her truck to try and wedge it from its spot. It held tight, lurching the truck backwards and making it skid on its wheels. Still, this friend was relentless. With the catcalls of my family urging her on, she continued to try and pry it free of its spot. I could feel such agony that I didn't know what to think. All I knew to do was close my eyes and say a prayer, promise to breathe in the spirit of that tree and to carry it until I could find for it a proper resting space, a place of honor. I whispered "let go," and at that moment there was an enormous crack as it gave way.

Six or seven trees were decimated tonight under the guise of aesthetic. Each one left a long stump firmly grounded, tangled in the wires of this friend's fence. As she drove by the line and observed the stumps, she commented about how "good" it looked, how it was "so much better."

The song you posted here is one I hold so dearly from my childhood. I used to run barefoot, brown hair tangling in the breeze as I imagined my little body lifted in the swirls of leaves and wind. I had Native American Barbies who rode horses bareback and weaved baskets instead of talking on cellphones and zipping around in Convertibles.

Tonight, though, this is the song I can't get out of my head:

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?



drawn2extremes ══╣╠══
horror
I went back to my parents house for the first time in two years a month ago. The 5 acres of woods that I loved to play in across the street from their house have been wiped out. There is a subdivision there now...

It hurts me...I only wonder where the faeries that used to live there have gone, not to mention all the animals.
jenniology ══╣Hold me╠══
You mentioned this before you left, and once again, I'm sorry for your loss. :( *hugs*
folkchick3 ══╣Hand ...╠══
I am so sorry that this happened, Bel! Please be comforted in the knowledge that the spirits of those trees knew that they were heard and loved by you.
*hugs*
optimistic7 ══╣╠══
How awful for you :hugs:
I have a tree just outside the corner of my garden, where the local kids would climb on it while playing but they ended up breaking off one of it's lower branches and I felt so sorry for the tree and the pain it must have suffered.
There also used to be a whole line of great big fir trees running along behind our back garden fence. I really like them. Then one day I come home from work and see the local coucil have decided to come along and butcher every single one of the trees, leaving only bare 6ft stumps. WHY????
girlslovegirls7 ══╣╠══
remember it is her house
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I'm so sorry to hear this. *hugs*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.