July 2017
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communication fast -- big trees forest preserve, fear of spiritual experiences, dream-meeting Geb


On my spiritual birthday, the third day of my communication fast, I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve. I'd never explored there alone before -- always with either Ben or Aurilion -- and exploring alone was an intense experience. More than ever before, I was able to connect with the forest, live it, feel it, breathe it. I felt so deeply welcomed and myself.

Also, I've never liked fall because any weather that requires sleeves is entirely too cold for me, and fall only promises colder and darker times to come. But this visit just made me fall in love with autumn... the riot of colors! It had just rained (was sprinkling throughout my visit, actually) and so the bark was dark with moisture and all the dead leaves had fallen, leaving only the brightest colors against the dark trunks and branches... amazing. I took half a billion photos and managed to pare it down to a little over 30.




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incongruous penis-shaped mushroom

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*reflecting joy*

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I cried several times, overwhelmed by the intense beauty.

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there's just something about this stump... it draws me every time. So beautiful...

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pixie Bel will put glitter in your hair when you're not looking

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fae home

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snuggling friends

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I love how the branches are so perfectly horizontal and aligned.

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glowing peace ♥

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At the very end of the visit, just as I was heading out to the car, I saw and felt the heartbeat of the forest. It was this incredible rainbow, swirling and pulsing at the same time. I don't know how I knew what to call it, but I just knew what it was, without hesitation... and I saw it just as I was leaving my friend pine (whose name I still haven't discovered), so I think it was my friend who opened me to it. The first time I met this pine, I was on my way out, walking along saying "I love you" to various trees, and when I said it to this one ze said (not in an audible way) "Hey! You can't just say that and walk off without giving me a chance to respond!" I stopped in my tracks, stood stunned for a second, and then laughed and walked back to the tree. I hugged zir and listened as ze told me how ze was happy to connect with me, that it made zir sad that so many walked by and ignored zir. I promised to come back again and left, because dark was falling. This time, again I did not go to the tree until I was just about to leave.

From this I realized that I still have such a habit of choking off experiences when they begin to make themselves known to me. Instead of allowing myself to fall fully into the experience, I jump away mentally and distract myself. I think this is why I only have these experiences when 1) I'm very upset, so my guards are down; 2) when some outside force is about to stop the experience anyway (such as when I am leaving the forest); or 3) when I'm sharing the experience with Aurilion. It's wonderful that I can do it at those times but I want to learn to open up to these experiences at all times. I think maybe I have a fear that I will somehow get trapped in another world and be unable to 'get back' although I'm not really sure what that means.

After realizing this I prayed/meditated and asked for a guide to make zirself known to me. Two nights later I had a dream about Geb! I can't remember it clearly (it went away almost as soon as I woke) but I remember clearly the sense I got of Geb's personality, VERY playful and teasing, mischievous, wild. I remember zir laughing, and waking up with the phrase "the great cackler" in my head. I never would have expected zir to be one of my deities but I am delighted! And I really cannot wait to learn from zir. So far that strange fear has kept me from reaching out, but I will overcome it.


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.