February 2018
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time w Viv is bittersweet -- still in love (though not lust) / hurting over not knowing Viv's heart


oh... *sigh* being around Viv is so bittersweet, bitterbitterbittersweet. At least the memory of kissing zir has faded somewhat so I'm not overwhelmed with desire (at least, not as often as I was that first week), but that has been replaced with a more nebulous yet every bit as intense longing... I can stop wanting sex but I can't stop being in love (fuck!). And though I am doing a good job of being present and enjoying what is, every now and then I wonder what ze's feeling -- is it only difficult for me? And also, what the fuck am I going to do if I stay feeling like this but ze isn't ever in love with me? I'm afraid I'll want to stop being friends because it hurts. But I CAN'T do that. Fuck.

and I get really confused by things like tonight (after I told zir how Aurilion called me up and we talked and decided to be friends) when ze told me that ze met up with zir ex 17 days ago (the day before we met), right before the ex left for Italy for 8 weeks, and added, "I just thought I should tell you." What does that mean? does it mean I should realize that ze's just killing time until the ex comes back? or that ze's mentioning for openness sake because ze considers us sort of... semi-together? argh. I know ze's still somewhat hung up on zir ex (who is monogamous...) but I'm not sure how much. Ze was wearing a ring associated with the ex but has now stopped wearing it.

I'm trying so hard to just be okay with not knowing... but I don't know if I can be. I might need to talk with zir more about zir feelings/reasons, but I don't want to because I'm afraid of the answers and because I don't want to realize all over again just how much this breaks my heart.

Fuck, it kinda just hit me how much this hurts. I really need someone to hold me and let me cry over this :-( I'm sitting here crying so hard I can't see the screen.

FUCK, I WANT MY HEART BACK. Fucking piece of shit, stop running off!

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Comments
moonvoice ══╣vilturj - himalayan monal wing╠══
Fucking piece of shit, stop running off!

Your heart is beautiful and a star, please don't hate it because it's giving you such pain right now. It has also given you - and will continue to give you - joy and light if you take care of it, and are gentle with it.

I'm so so sorry you're hurting so badly, I know we don't know each other well, but I wish I could help, offer my arms, and blankets, and hugs, and much heartfelt complaining about how much it can hurt to love with freeness and passion.

I wish I could do something more than comment. But as this is the most I can offer, here it is. I care for you, and your heart, and I think it's awful you're both hurting so bad. *hugs*
belenen ══╣console╠══
♥ thank you so much, I really needed to hear just those words. *hugs back*
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
"when ze told me that ze met up with zir ex 17 days ago (the day before we met), right before the ex left for Italy for 8 weeks, and added, "I just thought I should tell you." What does that mean? does it mean I should realize that ze's just killing time until the ex comes back? or that ze's mentioning for openness sake because ze considers us sort of... semi-together?"

My interpretation is that it means neither of those things. My guess is that ze felt a need to tell you because it helps illustrate the degree to which ze isn't ready to be in a relationship right now, because ze has too many complicated issues that still need to be sorted out - and the ex is one of those. It doesn't mean ze'll get back with the ex, but it means ze's not done thinking about the ex and sorting out zir feelings about the ex. And it certainly doesn't mean ze considers zirself still semi-together with you; it just means that ze used to be semi-together with you, and that period of semi-togetherness was somewhat affected by the fact that ze hadn't resolved zir feelings about the ex, so ze thought you had a right to know that.

I think it was not very responsible of Viv to start something with you (by messaging you and by asking to kiss you) without being sure ze was ready for a relationship. I distrust Viv for having done this, and I don't think anything good will come of you continuing to hope to get back together with zir. I do think that if asking Viv some further questions about this will help give you more sense of closure so that you can stop hoping for anything romantic with Viv, then you should ask the questions you need to ask.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
thank you so much for your thoughts; I think you're right, and you gave me some perspective that I really needed. ♥

nadalia ══╣╠══
"It doesn't mean ze'll get back with the ex, but it means ze's not done thinking about the ex and sorting out zir feelings about the ex."

That's exactly what I thought too.

*hugs*
acid_burns ══╣╠══

"I really miss your soul around me..."

It would be so lovely to sometimes be able to just shut our hearts off, but dammit... who would we be then? Just bones and a name? Not much fun when you think about it.

So. Cry and scream and yell and throw things. Anything. And eventually it'll be better. And I agree with queerbychoice.

You're amazing ::hugsyoutight::
storeyphoto ══╣╠══
BIG HUG!!! I am sorry for your pain. I only know Viv through your words and picture, so I couldn't begin to try to interpret her words or actions. I do know a little about people in general. Those that have posted before me have given wise council. I really like what queerbychoice had to say.
Only Viv knows (or the frustrating part of the heart is that maybe she doesn't really know yet) what her feelings, motives and intentions are. Is she holding on to hope for a reconciliation? Is she afraid of getting hurt again so soon? Is she hurt, confused, lonely and needing someone for comfort? The questions go on and on. Just know that you are loved and that you are not alone!
**HUG**
camilleyun ══╣╠══
I am sorry you are hurting.

Sometimes the heart cannot help who it loves. It is better to ride the wave of pain rather than fighting the current because it will hurt all the more when resisting.
jendaby ══╣Amaterasu╠══
*hugs*

Here i go again, typing and re-typing my response and never being sure exactly what to say but wanting to let you know that I am familiar with these kinds of feelings and I wish that I could do something to comfort you and let you know how awesome you are.

I haven't really mentioned this, but a friend I have had for awhile recently utterly confused me by asking for a kiss, moving right into "second base" and then abruptly jumping up and saying it was time to go. This was right after a long talk about sexual orientation, monogamy vs. poly, and the fact that this friend would like to be in a "traditional" relationship with the potential of pregnancy. I had long since figured that we were going to be good friends with nothing physical or romantic between us, and was completely thrown for a loop by what happened (but my heart wanted so much to be close that I was happy to oblige). Now my friend has backed away, canceled outings and events, and stopped texting and emailing. The inner turmoil and confusion I feel is intense, and I seem to keep falling for people who confuse me like this.

Anyway, it has occurred to me that many people still have their childhood notion of what relationships and family should be. Sometimes they take a leap and go toward what their heart wants, and then they get confused because it conflicts with what their mind believes they should be wanting - and I think they back away or send mixed signals because they are trying to figure themselves out. I don't think they intend to hurt or confuse anyone else, it is just a by-product of their own insecurities playing through their own minds.

My friend, after adamantly stating a desire for a traditional monogamous relationship, suddenly posited that sexual orientation could be genetic and mentioned having a gay sibling. It may have been my friend's way of "coming out" without directly doing so.

I am so sorry that you are hurting! If I knew the cure, I would absolutely let you know! **hugs hugs hugs**
celestialsight ══╣Fractal - Heart╠══
When we open our hearts so freely to potential love and joy, we likewise make ourselves vulnerable to the heartache and sorrow that occasionally go along with such openess... but it is so worth it.

I am sorry you are hurting right now. Not knowing can be the hardest thing sometimes. Perhaps talking with zir about it will help. Perhaps ze is not knowing right now zirself. *Hugs and cuddles*
bellerisa ══╣snoop╠══
*big hugs* Your feelings sound so similar to mine right now, I wish we lived closer so we could cry on each others' shoulders.

I'm sorry you're hurting. It is good that you are trying to be present and enjoy what is though.
frecklestars ══╣contemplative╠══
Hearts are unfortunately headstrong and impulsive beasts. It's part of being _human_, particularly in being a whole human. *hugs*

I wouldn't be ok with not knowing either (I don't know if it helps a bit to hear that). I'm actually _really_ bad with not knowing. In fact, I'm so bad at it that I think a post about it is coming later tonight. So you know. :P
delicatexflower ══╣drew; sad. "hand on face"╠══

not knowing is just hurting you more and more, it seems :( i know it is scary and hard, but you need to ask zir how feelings. it may be what you want to hear, it may be what you DON'T want to har, but at least you will KNOW. prepare for yourself for hearing something that may change things... not to sound negative here, but this will be a big impact on you because how strong your feelings are. good luck, i am wishing you the very best!~~
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
*hugs tight*
musicandmisery ══╣x-files - momento mori╠══
Bel I am so incredibly sorry. *hugsyou*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.