July 2017
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being okay with uncertainty / I open up around Viv and FEEL more / painful but growthful connection


Last night I said that I didn't know if I could be okay with not knowing what to expect from Viv but... I think I can be. And I feel like it is a good thing for me to learn. Because I know how to be an open person with someone who has given me permission to tear down their pretenses, but I don't know how to relate closely with anyone who hasn't (which... is most of humankind). And I'm so used to just deciding to give trust (and having people trust me instantly) that building trust is foreign and frustrating to me. I feel like this is a whole new kind of learning-people. And I want to learn to be okay with loving for its own sake, without any safety-net of returned love -- I'm better than I used to be, but not nearly as good as I want to be.

When I'm around Viv, I open up in this whole new way (I wonder if some of my spiritually-aware friends can see this) -- and one of the side effects of that is that I feel everything FAR more intensely. Last week I went to a panel discussion on trans human rights with Viv, and the combination of hearing about the abuses inflicted on trans people and being among a group of very 'aware' people while in Viv's presence was just overwhelming. By the time it was over I was feeling on the verge of panic, and even though I wanted to hang out with some of Viv's friends, I just couldn't bear to be around people right then -- I felt overstimulated to the point where even eye contact was too much for me. I can almost feel my spirit sort of 'bloom' when I'm around Viv. I feel like I'm learning awareness (in a completely non-conscious way), and I feel far more in touch with my own feelings. I've been realizing a lot about myself and crystallizing a lot of my own goals (which I have yet to share because they're still coming together).

So even though it can be REALLY painful to be around Viv, I feel like it has a positive effect overall. I mean... I've shared more of my feelings in the past two weeks than I have in the past five months. I cried last night, actually letting myself FEEL my own pain. I often cry over others' pain but find it very difficult to release my own because it makes me so aware of how I have no one to be strong for me, which is usually too much for me to bear and drops me into a lengthy depression. But this time, even though the sorrow lasted until this afternoon, I didn't fall into depression. I think I may be learning (at long long last) how to be strong for myself without closing off.

I know it can be upsetting to see someone you care about hurting but not doing anything to get rid of the thing causing the hurt, but this is a clean pain, like the soreness in muscles when you use them more than usual -- so I hope you won't worry too much. I'll keep aware and guard my heart if the situation gets toxic. And thank you all SO much for your wise and kind words ♥
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.