December 2017
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complete mutual openness with Ben, intoxicating intensity / moving in with Ash


I find it so difficult to express what it's like to be with Ben, but it's almost all I want to talk about! It's so inCREDIBLE. I've been practicing openness as a focus of my life for about five years, and had it as a mutual focus in most of my relationships, so I thought I knew what openness felt like. Now I'm realizing that I'd only had little tastes: flashes or moments of complete mutual openness. My ex-partner and I had rare moments of it in sex or in prayer; Hannah and I had short stretches of it when we were both in happy, healthy places; Aurilion and I sort of had it when we focused on it, but it was shallower because ze simply didn't know much of zirself and therefore couldn't share much; Viv and I had it for those first two days when we met and have had moments of it since then; but I've NEVER experienced it in this sustained way. Every single second we touch or look at each other, we're connected intensely, completely, and it builds and builds to where I feel like I'm going to faint or cry because it's almost too much. I feel my own feelings and the reflections of zir feelings, so it's like I experience it twice at once! And for once it's not a struggle to have faith in the connection, because it IS sustained and while I can doubt a moment or a flash, I can't doubt hours on end. It's just so unequivocally THERE. And not only does it build while we're spending time together, but it feels like each time we see each other, it's stronger.

in perfect stillness
we flow into each other;
there's no space between


I'm so utterly wide-eyed in wonder over this... and thinking, if those little moments I'd had before created such ripples in my life, what is this doing and what is it going to do?

And... oh my God/dess, it's so absolutely heady, deliriously intoxicating, fucking INTENSE. Last night we went out for dinner and coffee followed by cuddling and kissing... and there were moments where eye contact was enough to make me gasp. Just EYE CONTACT felt more intimate than anything I've ever experienced, and as erotic as any touch. Yes, ANY. I didn't think that was possible and I certainly didn't think that I'd ever be that 'oversensitive' but there you go.

---

In other news, Ash was quite offended at being put in a bulleted post that included a complaint about my ex and demanded zir own post but I don't respond well to demands so you get put in a Ben post, howd'yalikethatASH??? But I'm actually moving in with zir! Tomorrow the books 'n' furniture are going and then I'm going to collect the bits and pieces and then, and THEN, I'm going to have MY OWN SPACE for the first time in almost 6 years!!! I cannnnnnnot wait! And I'm pretty excited about having Ash as a flatmate too, because ze's my kin (not blood-kin but kin in the way that matters) and I think that it's going to be lovely to bond more with zir. And I think we'll work well as flatmates because we enjoy sharing but also are pretty good at recognizing our boundaries and communicating them. And our flat is so beautiful and peaceful -- and when I walked into my room at 6pm, I fell to my knees in delight because it was SO FULL OF LIGHT. But I refuse to take share any photos until I have my new room all set up :-p

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Comments
happystance ══╣╠══
The relationship sounds beautiful and that's so exciting about the move!
jenniology ══╣Season - Fall╠══
Firstly, I'm very happy for you!

Secondly, I wanted to share something weird. A while ago I bought a new address book and started filling it in (with permanent ink!) as best I could, but I didn't write your details down at the time because I had this intense feeling that there was major change coming in your direction. Isn't that strange?
xochitl ══╣locked╠══
Just EYE CONTACT felt more intimate than anything I've ever experienced, and as erotic as any touch.

Holy crap, yes, you just summed up my feelings about J. Sometimes if we hold a gaze for too long, I have to look away because my brain starts tingling. It's ridiculous!

I don't know if it's just "new relationship energy" but I've had plenty of "newness" but never actually experienced this with anybody.
aerialmelodies ══╣Ocean Ballerina╠══
Oh Bel, I love to hear that this relationship is so effortless and just works. I'm such a fan of "silent conversation" where everything is revealed without a word being spoken. Feeling like you want to explode with excited, happy emotion is one of the best feelings in the world~ <3

Normally I'm against lengthened eye contact, but holy cow. Ry gets these eyes going and I think "please stop before I seriously implode here!" Then I taunt myself with photoshoots of "come hither eyes", hee! It feels amazing, huh? :)
ashayavar ══╣╠══
That's...too beautiful for words. I stumbled across your blog through DeviantArt, and I wonder if you realize how lucky you are. I've only ever had one soulfriend before, but she wasn't as strong, or committed, or I don't even know, as I was, and it fell apart. Even a year later, my heart aches with her absence every day. My whole life, minus that brief year of total happiness, I've relied on myself to be strong, not sharing my feelings with anyone and letting everyone use me as an emotional crutch instead. I don't blame them; helping others is one of the few things that gives me satisfaction. But I'm only so strong. Please, how is it you've found so many? I would give anything to find that connection with someone else again. (I'm sorry for ranting, but it's hard to find anyone who understands this concept.)
sidheblessed ══╣Love╠══
I'm so happy you've found such a deep and continuous connection with Ben! It sounds glorious. ^.^

Though I can relate to not wanting to share photos until things are set up right, I cannot wait to see how you design your space. I'm really pleased for both you and Ash, I think you'll be happy living together.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.