October 2017
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I was in love with my ex for 18 years and we were together for nearly 8. That is a fucking lot of emotional investment and I'm not over it. yet.

I've realized that I really wouldn't know how to relate to zir platonically. I can't imagine just being friends, and not necessarily because I'd want sex but because without it, I don't think there is anything at all between us anymore. I'm not really sure what to think of that... but it seems pretty shitty to me that after all those years there is nothing between us that lasted. We had two things -- sex, and a shared faith in the same Deity. My faith has changed and zirs has faded so now we have nothing to make a friendship with.

And how it is that ze managed to spend so much time with me and know me not at all? (am I really that dull or unrelatable??)

We talked for about an hour today as ze caught me up on zir life. Ze asked "how's Ben?" -- which shocked me because it's the first unprompted, genuine question about my life in years -- and then went on to say that ze keeps up with my LJ. Now? really? what? NOW??? what the fuck, really. Ze also told me that ze's made a commitment to zir new lover (oh yeah, ze's in love) to be open and honest always, and added that ze thinks that part of our problem was that ze never really made that commitment to me. (YA THINK?) It's like ze's come out of an emotional coma. And while I don't want to be in a relationship with zir, I feel pretty cheated that the connection I yearned for, begged for, fought for, worked for, and never got is so casually and effortlessly given to this new person. It makes sense in a way because there's no sense of debt making it seem larger than it is, but that doesn't stop me feeling ill-used.

Although, thinking on this... it seems like ze actually did learn things through our relationship, just never managed to live them with me. I find that bizarrely comforting. All the time and energy I put in might not have resulted in the love I wanted from zir, but at least it brought good into the world. At least it wasn't wasted. Ze didn't fake all of the growth/change -- some of it was real.

so, to B -- I'm glad you're happy. It's been a long time and no one should have to go so long without joy. I hope you can take all the best from our time together, and I hope there's nothing that holds you back. I wish you love and joy and freedom.

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Comments
oceanid ══╣╠══
Yes yes, while I can understand how you must feel, feeling cheated. I also am happy that you can see how good has come out of this situation, which is exactly why I'm so drawn to your posts and you <3
frecklestars ══╣shy/intimate╠══
I don't think any of that was at all fair or appropriate for zir to tell you _now_. Making that transition from lovers to friends is sometimes more difficult than others. It sounds like this might be one of the more difficult ones, for which you have my sympathy. I've had ex's where they've stalked me, popping up in unexpected places, trying to fail me in classes (he was TAing a class I was in), and sending nasty emails about what a horrible excuse for a human I am. And then I've had ex's where we just sort of fell into a teasing joking almost brother-sister type relationship immediately after a breakup (literally - I told him I couldn't be in that relationship and then we went out for dinner and to the mall). The rough ones always suck, but there will be good ones too (if there are any more breakups).

Matt did the same thing when we split (started keeping up with my blog, which I'd been asking him to do). As for your ex's new lover, that kind of sounds like something ze would say just to hurt you. Even if it's not, it's a crappy thing to say when there's still so much healing to do (it doesn't help a bit with that).

I'm glad it's at least a little comforting that you brought good into the world. But it is still a bit sad that you didn't reap the benefits of it directly. Not saying you did it for benefit, but it's nice to see the fruits of your labor.
saturnsdaughter ══╣Lady Gaga╠══
It's nice that you're able to be happy for them. I would definitely be the type to be resentful that they found it easier to love someone else more openly than myself. Your strength is inspiring.
clown_frog ══╣╠══
I relate strongly with your second and third paragraph. And in case your question was not hypothetical: you are not at all dull! As for unrelatable... well, I guess that depends who is trying to relate to you, but to me you seem so open, so good at explaining and emoting your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, that it would take some serious inattention in a partner for you to feel not known at all. I don't know why it was that way, but I love you and you fascinate me (though I haven't known you so long), and you always will.

I'm so sorry that you didn't have the connection, the honesty and the openess. You are right though: if ze is attempting to give that to someone, then you have brought good into the world, and you've reached the heart and the mind and left your mark. I doubt it is something that can casually and effortlessly be given to anyone though. I know I've made the same commitments several times over, and each time thought "but I wasn't REALLY committed before".

It sucks though. Basically, it sucks, and its bad feelings. *big hugs*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.