November 2017
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the ex has decided that what was supposedly "ours" is now solely "his"


disclaimer: despite the tone of this post, I'm still radiantly happy overall, so no worries.

I had a strange dream about my ex last week so I called zir yesterday and we talked a bit. We got on the subject of finances (as usual) and ze told me that ze was selling stock (which we purchased as a mutual decision) in order to "be more stable" during the transition period as zir girlfriend moves in -- stock that is apparently worth about $2,400. Now I didn't mind that zir car is worth about 6 times what mine is and zir computer is worth about 4 times what mine is and ze got most of the furniture, etc, because that was the easiest way to divide things up. But I don't think it's okay that what was "ours" suddenly became "his" when we broke up, and even though ze's liquidating assets ze doesn't plan to share a penny of it. Even though I'm in more need than ze is.

Yes, ze was our main financial support, and I didn't have a steady income for half of our marriage -- but that was a MUTUAL decision. There is no way in hell that I'd have not gotten a job if ze had expressed a desire for me to have one; I'd have felt like I was taking advantage if that had been the case. When I quit working at Wal-mart, the main reason I didn't get another job was that we had one car, and if we weren't going to work at the same place then managing our schedules would be hell. When we got the second car, zir schedule was all over the place with no steady off time, so if I had worked we'd likely have never seen each other. Furthermore, we didn't need the money and ze had told me many times that ze was happy to support me. It wasn't like I was wasting my life -- I was active and learning and creating, and ze expressed to me that ze liked making it so that I could do that. If I had known that I was living on zir charity rather than by a mutual decision about what was best for us individually and in the relationship, I'd have fucking worked and saved up for this. If I were in zir shoes I might not divide assets exactly down the middle, but in the case of the stock I'd have given half just as a matter of course -- I'd have felt like I was stealing if I didn't. If it was really ours than it doesn't suddenly become zirs. And that's what really appalls me -- apparently everything was zirs all along, in zir mind. What was I, a pet? certainly not a partner.

So, I start a job tomorrow, but I'm not making this public because I need the money ze is sharing, however begrudgingly, and I feel pretty sure that ze will cut me off as soon as ze finds out, whether I've enough to live on or not. I won't keep it a secret for too long but I will keep it to myself at least until I get my first paycheck.

Also I'm pretty annoyed that the Christmas and birthday presents which were promised to me last year never materialized. That might seem petty but they were fucking PROMISES and I shouldn't have trusted zir to do it eventually, I should have just gotten them as ze gave me permission to do. But I wanted them to feel like gifts (and buying anything expensive (more than $50) was something we always did together) so I didn't.

If you don't want to read it, the happy news is that I have a job, and the relevance is that I'm keeping it a secret from my ex for now. And I've filtered this to people whom I'm pretty confident won't feel compelled to tell my ex.

ETA: I'm not mad that I'm not getting more money and I don't necessarily feel that I should (if I felt entitled to it, I'd be fighting for it). I'm bothered by this because it shows that yet another thing that I trusted in completely was just a massive lie.

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Comments
oceanid ══╣╠══
*hugs* Despite the news, this post is a very positive step for you, very happy for you <3
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
*hugs back* yes it is! thank you ♥
divinemiss_em ══╣fawn love hug╠══
Money is such a strange thing. It can make people do really strange and out of character things.
From reading this, I get the feeling that it isn´t really about the money, but more about feeling valued in general.
I´m sorry that you are going through all of this!! And good luck in your new job!!
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
well, it isn't really about the money, it's about feeling lied to AGAIN. It's like there's no end to how false our relationships was. bleh.

thanks for the empathy and luck! ;-)
zen_sakka ══╣No matter no mind╠══
Congratulations on the new job, and I'm sorry that your ex is being an ass about money.

All will work out just fine, breathe and let it go. It could truly be worse.

Your friends are here for you, and YOU matter.
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
thanks! I'm not distressed about it. I still feel very lucky.

*hugs*
saturnsdaughter ══╣Adam Lambert╠══
Money always seems to bring out the worst in people. At least you didn't know he had this attitude while you were still together.

Congrats on getting the job. I hope it goes well :)
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
yeah, it all worked out for the best -- I just felt upset upon realizing (yet again) how misplaced my trust was. :-/

thanks!
lorelei_sakti ══╣╠══
Congrats on the job! I don't blame you for not telling him about it yet.
aerialmelodies ══╣Castle╠══
I'm sorry to hear about what your ex is doing, Bel! That's just terrible. It's as if the money is a way to flaunt something in front of you. Ridiculous! Is the marriage dissolving through a court? You may consider contesting, though it costs a lot more based on what I know for my dad's rates. I think $100 more plus all court fees incurred... may not be worth it for the stock, but still, I hate that someone would do that. And nevermind; I see you don't want to fight it. I'll just let the info stay in case someone else reading has been going through something similar...

Congrats on the job, though. Always a positive. Always. :)

PS: I'll get back to you about the Full Radius dance! I don't know if Friday works unless I can move my dinner plans, which I may do anyway. Will let you know~
tangledaxon ══╣╠══
Sending you love. I'm sad you've been through so much heartache in your parting from zir. But happy for you in other aspects of your life! Congratulations on the job!!
nadalia ══╣╠══
Congrats on the job, and sine you were legally wed (right?) is a legal divorce in the planned future?
frecklestars ══╣angry sarcastic feminist╠══
Yay job! And boo liquidating assets that are not _his_ alone! But also yay for ecstatic happiness! That's two yays and a boo - therefore you're still well off. :) I *heart* you.
verviana ══╣╠══
::hugs:: I'm sorry your ex is turning out to be so cold and untrustworthy. But I'm glad you're starting afresh for yourself and feeling so positive otherwise.

If there's any way I can help, with anything, tell me.

PS: if you ever feel like visiting Brooklyn...
smurfb1ue ══╣╠══
Is this the job you'd mentioned way back when at the coffee place?
kiwi ══╣╠══
Major kudos to you on the job and I completely caught where you're coming from. I've always felt that sharing finances and making financial decisions to be a very intimate thing so I think your anger at that broken trust is completely understandable. *HUGS*
clown_frog ══╣╠══
Grrr... This makes me ANGRY!!!!!

But I wont rant, because that would go on for ages, I'll just say PAH! Spit on disrespectful thoughtless ex-y behaviour. Metaphorically. I can't actually spit, but that's how I feel.

But yay for you, getting the job!!! Thats smashing news! Is it a groovy one? Is it working in a bookshop? Remember seeing something somewhere about an interview for a bookshop... here or facebook. When do you start? Have you met the people who work there, are they friendly? Hope it goes swimmingly :-D *hugs*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.