November 2017
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awful week: sick, financial stress, feeling loss, ex being cruel / feeling lonely, untrusting, angry


This has been a really awful, AWFUL week. I've been very sick (my throat was so swollen at one point that just trying to swallow a little water made me throw up, and it's sometimes been hard to breathe) and I very rarely get sick and tend to get really emotional about it anyway. And it was bad enough that I went to the doctor and then got medicine, which made me financially stressed because I've been trying to stay within the limit that my ex set as far as money goes, but that added a significant burden.

And my ex wanted the rest of my stuff out this week because zir girlfriend is moving in, so Friday Ash and S helped me gather it (thank God/dess for them because I couldn't have handled it alone). There was a cabinet full of wedding stuff and love letters and all the journals I wrote which were about 70% about the ex... and the journal I made for the ex which ze then dedicated to me and wrote to me in (which I took because ze doesn't give a shit or want any reminders of me). And it really hit me that we are actually over. I think I hadn't really believed it until then. Even though ze's monogamous and with someone else, somehow I didn't believe that was the end of us. For the first time, I cried about losing zir... even though I lost zir a long time ago, and maybe never really had zir.

I don't think ze ever really loved me, honestly... love doesn't just fade, not the way I understand it. I think ze was in lust with me and felt a lot of gratitude for how I helped zir to open up and feel connected for the first time in zir life, and admired me (a little too much, pedestal-type), but I don't think ze ever really loved me. Because I don't think ze ever really saw me or knew me. I think ze stayed with me so long out of a sense of duty. UGH, that nauseates me. And makes me want to be incredibly selfish and never give to anyone or help anyone, so that if they stick around me I know it's not because of gratitude or a sense of debt.

Then today my ex calls me up and says "Happy Anniversary" because today would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. HOW FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE. And seriously, ze REALLY doesn't give a shit about 'losing' me because if ze did, there'd be at least a LITTLE sting to that for zir, right? It wouldn't be all haha-lollerskates. Then we talk about money (because that's the real point of every conversation we have) and ze starts telling me how I "sat on my ass" as if ze hadn't told me MULTIPLE TIMES that ze DID NOT want me to get a job whenever the subject came up! and accuses me of breaking my vows (because we hadn't had sex, even though I had initiated and ze had turned me down every time for the past year) and tells me that ze HAD been making effort in the relationship (by working). Apparently the new gf is perfectly happy to be nourished by nothing other than financial support (nevermind that ze's also getting sex and tons of gifts and loving talk). All that came out in a rush and ended with zir saying essentially that ze'd been making effort and I hadn't, which was so patently untrue that I started to hyperventilate and said, "I can't talk to you right now," hung up and cried to the point of wracking sobs. But in a way it's nice that ze's gone back on the seemingly-genuine apologies for being totally absent in my life and treating me like a nonentity, because now I know ze hasn't really changed and ze is not really offering everything I ever wanted to someone else.

I really wish I'd deliberately or carelessly hurt zir at some point in our relationship. When we were together, I did not ONCE deceive zir. And I mean this to the absolute most literal extent; I did not hide things, I made sure to tell zir anything important without zir having to ask. I only ONCE called zir names (in the breaking-up conversation when ze told me "oh yeah btw I don't like anything that makes you who you are" I called zir a monster and a robot, and it stuck out because it was the FIRST TIME). I never gave less than everything I had, which I think is a pretty considerable amount! When I didn't seem to be making zir happy I would try something else (again and again -- for instance, I tried very hard to learn chess despite DESPISING strategy games and LOATHING losing which of course I always did). I wish I had done something evil, something I could point to and be like "okay I see why you didn't love me, that was a pretty shitty thing I did." Or at least that I hadn't tried so fucking hard when ze obviously just didn't care. Maybe I need to learn how -- and WHEN -- to give up on people when they don't care!

I'm really angry. and heart-broken. and lonely. and in so much pain. It hurts to realize that I really have no one I can turn to for comfort, no one who I can trust to hold a safe space for me (I do have kind friends and that helps, but it's not the same as walking through the fire with me). Ze was never there for me anyway (I know that sounds like an exaggeration but it isn't), but I maintained the illusion that ze was and now even that is gone. I feel really hopeless and disconnected from life -- it feels like there is no promise, no glow. Winter is getting to me. Christmas is usually the bright spot in my winter, the joy that makes the dead season bearable -- but I have no money for a tree and no ability to get presents (and this would be the first time I didn't have to mail them all), so I feel like Christmas isn't coming for me this year. Right now it feels like there is nothing but grey and cold and loneliness stretching ahead of me.

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Comments
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oceanid ══╣╠══
*hugs* :( I'm sorry for the pain you are currently going through, it hurts me to know you are so sad :(

If you were comfortable sending me your postage address, I'd really love to send you a card~ It's not much, but my cards are handmade and made with love :)
belenen ══╣nuzzle╠══
*hugs back* thank you so much ♥ You can find my info in the first post here: http://belenen.livejournal.com/tag/contact+info That is such a sweet offer ♥
jenniology ══╣Hold me╠══
*sends you loving thoughts* I'm in a pretty dark spot myself right now, but I'm sorry for your pain and I'd like to help any way I can. I'm here, okay?
belenen ══╣console╠══
thank you so much lovey ♥ *hugs*
celestialsight ══╣╠══
I am sorry you are hurting right now. I hope things start looking up again real soon. *hugs*
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you Kat ♥ *hugs back*
jendaby ══╣dispersal╠══
***Enormous hugs!***

You're going through so much right now, and all of your feelings and reactions are perfectly valid and natural. Oddly enough, I am reading this right after reading about another friend who is going through something very similar re: the holidays after things ended with their spouse. Everyone always says the first holidays after a loss (I consider it a form of loss in need of mourning when you discover the things you believed about a loved one are fictional, because the person you believed in is gone) is the hardest.

***hugs***

I had a couple years when I was really financially out to dry, and I ended up making little certificates for friends with regular pen and notebook paper, offering to do something - like read their cards, shovel their snow, or prepare dinner for them, etc. - ways that I could give when I had nothing material to offer. I remember one relative was content to have me sing over the phone. YMMV, naturally, but I am also someone who loves to give things to the cherished people in life, and I have also experienced the anxiety of the holidays when money is short.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*many hugs back*

I think for me gift-giving is really focused on two things: showing that I know the person and that I like what I know (by getting them something that is uniquely them), and providing something that makes a little reminder of how they're known and loved, and wrapping it up specially. I wouldn't get the same feeling from giving actions like that -- and yes, my gift-giving is mainly to bring ME happiness, I quite readily admit it (if people gave me money to spend on them (as a present to me), I think that would make me really gleeful). I might find some way to make a little gesture of love, though, because even something impersonal as a stand-in might help make this time feel more like Christmas.

Thanks so much for sharing your ideas and care ♥
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
Take some time to congratulate yourself for what you've accomplished: you recognized that the ex wasn't there for you, and you stopped wasting your effort on zir. That's a huge accomplishment; many people spend their whole lives remaining in terrible relationships. Lack of financial resources is one major, very common factor that keeps people in such relationships, and the fact that you still escaped, even with your lack of financial resources, makes your accomplishment even more impressive.
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
Thank you so much for this; it was really bracing and encouraging. *hugs*
tangledaxon ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣healing╠══
*hugggggggggggs* yes, I would love that, as long as I had something warm to drink ;-) I think your company would be really healing for me right now (I'd always love it but somehow I feel like you'd 'get' this in a way most people wouldn't). Much love to you too ♥
nadalia ══╣╠══
The best present is time with friends. You are loved and you give love. It's sad to me that your ex never could appreciate it.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*huggggs* thanks so much Nikki ♥ (btw are you coming to Sharee's party this weekend?)
nadalia ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
nadalia ══╣╠══
aerialmelodies ══╣Supportive╠══
I'm sending you a billion and one hugs and super warm energy. I can't believe that your ex would do something like that, and I find it so hypocritical that the new love interest doesn't have to work but suddenly you're "bad" for not taking on a job (at your ex's request)? That makes me livid. Don't let someone like that tear at your soul, hon. There are other issues your ex needs to work through, and you don't need to be the punching bag. You're always welcome at our home, and you can come sit with our tree and kitties and have good conversation. Seriously. Your friends love you so much and want to see you happy and smiling, radiant as always.

Maybe I need to learn how -- and WHEN -- to give up on people when they don't care!

I finally had to accept this. When someone stops acting like they care and only wish harm and hateful messages to you and/or other people, sometimes the best thing we can do is cut the strings. When I finally learned that and cut that first string, it felt like such a relief. It's so hard, believe me... but you'll feel this weightlessness and know that those you remain connected to want nothing but the best for you. Much love and support. <3
belenen ══╣disassociative╠══
suddenly you're "bad" for not taking on a job (at your ex's request)?

That's the biggest issue -- had ze even ONCE asked me to get a job I would have been immediately searching for one! Ze INSISTED that ze was happiest with me not working. That makes me really angry.

Honestly I think the ex is stressed because ze was planning on the new gf finding a job immediately after moving in, and then ze apparently 'offered' to let the gf not work for a while, and now ze has two dependents and not enough resources. And as usual when stressed, everything becomes about my 'failings.'

sending you a billion and one hugs and super warm energy. ... You're always welcome at our home, and you can come sit with our tree and kitties and have good conversation. Seriously. Your friends love you so much and want to see you happy and smiling, radiant as always.

awwww, thank you so much ♥ I might take you up on that -- Christmas trees are such a big deal to me and the idea of not having one makes me want to cry. To share someone else's would be lovely ♥

I've gotten good at cutting ties when someone is an outright ass (which makes me a little grateful that the ex is being an outright ass right now) but I seem to be lost when it comes to indifference or lack of care. :-/
aerialmelodies ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
aerialmelodies ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
aerialmelodies ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
aerialmelodies ══╣╠══
acid_burns ══╣ta/ never was a cornflake girl╠══

you are so unbelievably amazing. so sad you are hurting and in pain. wish i could come over right now and give you a hug.

belenen ══╣nuzzle╠══
*huggggs* oh I wish you could too, you'd totally cheer me up with your new happiness and perhaps some listening to music together ♥ love you babe ♥
clown_frog ══╣╠══
honey, wish I could just wrap you up and soften this for you, it hurts me that you're hurting like that. And what a dick. To say one thing while in a relationship and another when its over - thats low. And stupid, a stupid approach to a relationship. You're a wonderful person. Absolutely lovable, absolutely. You deserve better treatment than that, and I'm angry that you're feeling this hurt because of a break-up with someone who doesn't bloody well deserve it. Because that makes the hurt worse.

I can understand wishing you'd hurt him. And, for that matter, the reassuring-ness of knowing someone hasn't changed. Nice to have that re-affirmed sometimes, the reasons you're better not attached to them.

I wish you had someone to turn to, I'm so sorry. I want to be able to magic up this amazing cosmic hug for you, just for you to have that feeling. That would be a magic well worth having. Or time-travel you to spring so you can see all the new life and the leaves and feel your sap rise again. It will get better, you'll feel incredible happiness so many times in your life. All the bad times you've been through and then you've found something wonderful. Perhaps life is only in the moments, and when we're sad we can remember that and tease ourselves wondering what the next amazing thing will be, the next amazing person. And I know its pretty poor comfort because I'm not really around and I'm maybe not the kind of person who can give much to you, but I love you. And I don't put you on a pedestal... which makes me know I always will love you. I've put a lot of thought to who I love and what it means recently, given certain events, so there you go.

How much is a tree? I want to buy you and Ash a tree for your flat this Christmas... And if you don't have enough money for decorations then I'll buy you a can of silver spraypaint and you can go find random objects to spray silver and hang on it! (I know thats not going to make you feel better, or only very very marginally, but I'd still like to...)

I'm going to sit here willing happiness and love upon you now. Hope it works (it might take some time, but I'm going to have faith in it)
frecklestars ══╣open╠══
WHAT. THE. FUCK. An anniversary call? That is _beyond_ horrible. I am very glad you are no longer attached to such a poisonous person, and I hope zir negative energy gets out of your life soon. *hugshugshugs* Let me know if there's anything I can do.

Also: I am sending you a holiday present, and a cheer-up present! This might turn into a package of things, and it will probably reach you after the holidays are over. BUT know that it's coming. That said, would you mind sending along your address (either via facebook or LJ message?). If you're ok with that. I seem to recall you liked mail, and trusted people on your f-list with your address so...um...yeah. </ babbling >
delicatexflower ══╣sigh. "memories trapped in time"╠══

you are so much stronger then you realize. this year has been a big year of changes for you -- this is just one of them and i promise it will help shape you into a better person.

it's hard to move on from something WHEN your ex is being difficult. it was totally insensitive of him to call you to say happy anniversary! i can't believe believe him! -- i can't imagine what you must feel LIKE! however, i'm so happy you have a new ben in your life who treats you TOTALLY how you should be treated! <3

girlslovegirls7 ══╣╠══
im so srry baby..... i wish could help you, just stop up the pain until you are full of love.
i love you!!! dont ever forget i would do anything for you!!!!!!
saturnsdaughter ══╣Colors╠══
It baffles me that anyone could be this cruel towards you. You're such a positive, giving person. The way he's acting makes me so angry on your behalf :(
divinemiss_em ══╣╠══
I am so, so sorry to read this and know that you are feeling so sad. It sounds like on of those weeks that feel like a cosmic joke when you experience them. I hope that this week is better and brings something positive your way. I echo the sentiments above that this breakup with the ex is a blessing, if I may be so presumptuous :)

In my experience,all new beginnings, all catalysts for great positive change usually require deep pain to occur first. And I have no doubt that the future has incredible gifts for you. *hugs*
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.