September 2017
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the story of lil sis & I / friends now ♥


My relationship with my lil sis has been wildly varying. When P got pregnant, I spent a lot of time singing and talking to babysis, and when ze was born I was ecstatic. There are photos of me holding zir as a red little newborn, and I am absolutely glowing with happiness (which is not true of any other childhood photos). The pregnancy was so difficult that P almost died, and for the first year of zir life M resented lil sis and refused to do any caretaking (which I interpreted as zir hating lil sis, but it could have just been laziness). So I ended up doing a lot of the caretaking and lil sis bonded with me more than with P and often tried to call me Mom. That upset me because I already felt I was being given too much responsibility, so I didn't let zir. But while I resented my parents lack of parenting, I loved taking care of lil sis and used to daydream about how ze'd start school and brag to zir friends about zir awesome big sister who gave piggyback rides and swung zir around and stuff. But when ze was about 6 years old, M lied to zir about me in a truly awful, evil way, and completely broke zir trust in me. I didn't know what had happened; I figured ze'd just become hard and distant because ze'd started going to public school. I was pretty self-involved at 16 anyway, so I didn't try to fix it. Five years later ze called me up and we had a conversation that finally illuminated that lie, and amidst the explosion that resulted we started actually talking occasionally. For the years following I cared about zir out of memory for the little baby I'd loved and respect for the fiercely strong person that ze'd become, but it wasn't until this summer that we really started to develop a real friendship.

It seems so sudden to me! And I don't even know how to put it into words. I was talking to justben recently about what it means to me to be "in love" and explained that I believe one can be platonically "in love" because to me, being in love means wanting to learn everything about a person, to continually grow closer to them, to have them know you fully, and to be so fascinated by them that you could think on their wonderful qualities for a long time without getting bored. And I love my little sister that way -- ze truly amazes me again and again. Ze's just an incredible person, so fierce and so compassionate, so open and honest, so full of joy and curiosity, and so willing to take risks. I'm so thrilled to have zir in my life! I admire zir so much and I love having the chance to see zir learn and grow (even if it means also seeing zir suffer). I didn't think I'd ever let someone who was blood-kin into my heart, but lil sis just walked right in before I even realized I'd left a gate open. ;-)

i miss my sister so much when i'm away from her. The trust and the connection i have when i'm with her is almost like we both know each other so well that there isn't any room for any kind of doubt. The greatness of that is just so indescribable. We have both been hurt so much. To be hurt so much and be able to find someone who you can let go of all barriers with is just amazing, and that doesn't even begin to describe how much i love my sister [name].
sounds: Dolores O'Riordan - The Journey | Powered by Last.fm
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.