September 2017
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worthiness and pleasing God


Yeah, I even titled this post!

In short, I went to counseling today and removed a few many-ton blocks from my thinking.
We began by asking God about the "to please God you must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly and devotedly seek him" verse. My problem with that verse was that I thought that I wouldn't be able to please God unless I was 100% passionate about it -- and I'm not 100%.
So God responded by saying that no human could give 100% on this earth -- there are too many distractions and weaknesses. He said that what mattered is whether at the deepest part of me my strongest desire is to please him. If that's the case, then it doesn't matter whether distractions and attacks keep me from giving more than a trickle -- he is pleased. He said I'm like a candle - it doesn't matter if the candle flickers or just smoulders, as long as it doesn't go out. He added that burning bright and strong doesn't please him any MORE -- it just allows us to be closer.

Then we attacked my false belief that God wouldn't help me right away -- he'd wait until it was convenient for him (parents actions getting blamed on God again). God really stressed to me that he cares about how I feel, not just what I need to survive.

And I wanted to know if believing that he answers my prayers is a faith thing or not, and he said, "You have to believe, and as you believe, you'll begin to see things through my eyes, and you will more easily see your answered prayers."

Another thing: I have long struggled with a feeling of unworthiness. It mainly stems from my parents not valuing me as a person, and me accepting that as right. So we brought that to God, and he told me that his value system is the only one that counts, since everyone else sees things distorted to one extent or another. Then he showed me myself as a beautiful painting, with a clear shield that was my salvation. People threw mud on the painting, but all I had to do was go to God and he washed it off. Then he showed me myself in the future -- the shield went from saranwrap-thin to about half an inch thick, and when people threw mud, the shield sank in and then popped out, so the mud bounced back off. Then I saw my spirit-self get all excited, and run around, jumping on tables and shakin' my butt, chanting "I'm worthy, I'm worthy, I'm worthy!" -- like "nanny-nanny-boo-boo, you can't get me."

Then Virginia asked God if he had anything else he wanted to show me, and he showed me on a beach with him (I was about five), holding hands and walking, and I looked up at him and he grinned at me and said, "I'm so excited that you can see me more like I am now!" And he scooped me up and sing-songed, "My girl, my girl, my girl."


When I walked out and met Ben, he thanked Virginia "for whatever she did to make Kristen so happy." Apparently I was beaming and lighthearted.
feelings: thankful
connecting:


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.