September 2017
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dreams (I tell [ex] how ze hurt me, watch people try on Maggie's wedding dress, steer a spaceship)


I set my alarm for 8 hours of sleep and ended up getting up four hours later because I was having really vivid and meaningful dreams. I dreamed about my ex in several settings, one of which was this apartment (though it looked different). I was in my room and [ex] came in and started talking about how ze'd done nothing wrong and I was the whole problem, etc. I argued but ze got this look on zir face that means "I'm so secure in my justifications that I'm not even hearing you" and then ze said, "The difference between you and me is that when we look back in a year, I'll have been obedient (implication: to what zir God wants)" and walked out of the room. For a moment I sat there, feeling terribly crushed and judged, and then I got up and ran into the next room where ze was sitting at the dining table (the one owned by zir parents in real life). I took zir face in my hands and looked into zir eyes and said, "you HURT me. Worse than anyone else ever has." and I explained exactly how. Ze was looking at me with a mocking half smile at first but through the eye contact ze could see how completely true everything I was saying was, and ze dropped the mocking attitude and zir gaze (but did not pull away or try to shut me up -- ze seemed to listen).

Afterward I went to get some ice water from the dispenser in the fridge (another artifact of [ex]'s parents' house) and the scene changed to being on a spaceship, while still being the living room of my flat. (I have a fear of outer space which is often explored in dreams where I'm steering a spaceship or perhaps a planet; I think it is a metaphor for having no home, being lost, rootless) Maggie and Rebecca and some others of [ex]'s family were there and everyone was trying on Maggie's wedding dress, which was strapless, dark red (with a black zipper up the back), somehow both slinky and bodied, with a shirred waist, and looked amazing on EVERYONE (including some tall slender male person who might have been [ex] but I can't remember). I imagined it on me but didn't try it on, even though it was magic and fit everyone, because I didn't like the connotations of such an idea (and because I don't like strapless dresses). I stood off to the side, separate from the others and not interacting.

Then I was steering the spaceship by following the instructions of my ex (???) and manipulating a squishy ball, about the size of the exercise ball I sit on but translucent with mushy buttons and a jelly-filled representation of space inside. I followed the coordinates (just two numbers -- 24 and 22 I think), pushed the correct mushy buttons and looked inside at the right spot. I saw Earth and got freaked out, felt like I was falling, and woke up.

I'm not sure consciously what my psyche was figuring out, but I feel more whole after those dreams. The first two are extremely obvious but if you have an interpretation for the third I'd love to hear it.


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Comments
delicatexflower ══╣cute. food; "pink cupcake"╠══
girlslovegirls7 ══╣╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.