December 2017
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31


holding my tongue is suffocating me


I am so fucking unhappy right now. This massive knot of pain is fucking choking me and I can't do anything about it. I can't even begin to untangle it, because I'm still living it. Because I'm still stuck. Because I still don't have power over my own life. Because I still have to fear retaliation.

It makes it so much worse when I have to be in contact with the ex, even briefly, because ze likes to pretend that everything's fine and that ze's someone who cares about my life. You don't get to fucking screw me over -- DELIBERATELY -- and then be my friend. I think ze was counting on the fact that I forgive people and (always, so far) let people back into my life. So ze was like, well, ze'll get over it, and then I'll get to have my cake and eat it too. I don't think so, you manipulative piece of shit. You sold my friendship for what to you is luxury money, and for me is necessity. I'll find a way to work it out, of course, but that does not negate the fact that you cared more about money than about me, AND lied to me, AND deserted me in a time of great need. You really couldn't have hurt me more if you tried. If you had said, "No, I will not support you past December" I would have been upset but I wouldn't have been LIED to and I'd be over it by now.

IT'S KILLING ME NOT TO BE ABLE TO SAY THIS. If I could just say it to zir I could start moving on. Ze wouldn't even have to know I'd said it -- if I could just post it publicly without fear that would be enough. I feel like I am lying by not protesting when ze plays nice. I feel like I'm lying by not telling zir, "I don't intend to ever be your friend." I think ze's still deluded zirself into thinking that we'll be friends! REALLY?!?!? After THIS? but zir powers of self-deception are just... superhuman.

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Comments
painted_dreams ══╣╠══
If you want a friend to talk to about this give me a call... I am a good listener and I give pretty good advice.

Don't beat yourself up over this.. What exactly stops you from speaking your heart?

*hug*
belenen ══╣healing╠══
*hug hug hug* if I didn't hate the phone so much I'd take you up on that ♥ I will keep it in mind for my raaaaaaaaaaare phone moods ;-)

What stops me is being pretty sure that [ex] could find a way to retaliate if ze found any of my words offensive (which ze would). :-/

I'm feeling much better now though, this stuff cycles through. and you helped a lot with your sweet comments ♥
delicatexflower ══╣cute. "cat and full moon"╠══

maybe i missed the entry or perhaps, i forgot, but why are you keeping him in your life? i believe it being financial related situation? (i promise i'm not questioning your reasons, i'm trying to figure everything out, so i don't give poor advice & support)

the sooner you will get a divorce from him, the sooner you will be able to move on from your life. no one has the right to take advantage of your loving & forgiving nature. you will get through this... you are very aware of the situation and trust me, that works in your favor, as painful as it may be...
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
right now, just because the divorce has yet to be finalized and I haven't gotten the car insurance in my name yet (am pretty sure the car is in my name, need to find out!). Hoping to do that very soon. Ze's not really 'in' my life, just hasn't been cut out totally.

*snugglehugs* thanks for the support lovey ♥
shioneh ══╣hannah loves bel!╠══
I'm really so sorry you don't have a sense of power over your life right now, that's such a terrible feeling and I'm hearing you on not feeling able to untangle it because of living in it. I don't have practical advice but I wanted to say I'm reading and that I so hope you can get to a place where you're able to speak your heart, I know how fundamentally important that is for you. I'm rooting for you to be in a safer more secure place, so you can heal and mourn and get that sense of power back.

You're in my heart, love.
belenen ══╣woven souls╠══
I so hope you can get to a place where you're able to speak your heart, I know how fundamentally important that is for you

*snugglekisseslovelovelove* Ohhhh I missed your comments babygirl ♥ You always make me feel so understood *rests in your presence*

You're in my heart too, sheonke ♥
divinemiss_em ══╣fawn love hug╠══
I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this situation keeps dragging on in such a way that you can´t find any closure (yet- because it WILL come)

You are such a positive person and I get such inspiration from reading your journal. You are certainly in my thoughts :)

hugs
Emily
girlslovegirls7 ══╣╠══
Its so wierd because he sounds like what you describe dad as. This is really sad :(. I hope things change and you can finally get the release that you need. I love you so much james!!
clown_frog ══╣╠══
Are the possible consequences of being honest to him (saying how you feel) worse than the feelings you're getting from holding it in? I'm worried for you because you're stuck in this situation where you're feeling so bad, I don't want you to feel worse. I wish there was some way I could provide for you, provide all the material support so that you wouldn't have to worry about that - if that is what is stopping you. I'm sitting here wishing I could suggest to just be true to your feelings, to let it out, let him know how you feel and then just deal with what comes from it. But it's not advice I'd easily take myself, it isn't always practical... but it should be. Oh it should be. To always be able to speak your mind. It's all so wrong.

So this is me torn just thinking about it all, and poor you living it. It's agonising, I know it must be. I'm so sorry for you, I hope you get through this soon so you can just cut off all need to deal with the ex. Do you know how long that will be?

It pulls at my heart, its such a horrible feeling, I know. If you ever want to talk then I'm here. On google talk or email or whatever. Sending you good wishes in any case
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.