November 2017
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I'm in love with me / also in love w/ all people / reactions to my name at work / explaining my name


I honestly feel a little sad sometimes because I can't imagine anyone ever falling as in love with me as I am. I find myself so damn adorable. I'll start dancing in the silliest way or singing something completely ridiculous like "and now it's time for soup, oh nicey-nice soup, you're food to be eaten, it's good" (half stolen, if you recognize it you get 88 awesome points; I so relate to that character) and then hear myself and am totally charmed and giggle at myself for a full minute. And I re-read my own LJ and think it's the most beautiful thing ever (content and design), and look at photos I've taken and feel awe, and admire the way I find ingenious ways to make things more useful or more beautiful. And every time I see myself in the mirror I check myself out and smirk lustily and often exclaim "oh my God, I'm so fucking hot!" complete with running my hands over my outline. But then, I'm good at falling in love. It's my Talent :D I notice things that are unique about a person and am utterly charmed by them, especially the littlest things like the way a person pushes back zir hair or specific phrases ze likes to say or how ze behaves 'at rest' or the way ze moves zir mouth when ze talks. I do this with all people, including those I'm not even close to (it's just way amped up with those people because I watch them greedily, in recognition that every moment of their presence is an honor). I really and truly (Nea's phrase, hee) believe that everyone is incredible and if you can just see them fully, you can't help but be in love. I suppose it makes sense then that I am the one who loves me the most, because I know myself the most. ;-) Oh well, y'all can just love me second best *giggles* If I have one person to know/love me most, I think I want it to be the one I have to spend every moment with :D GOD I LOVE ME.

I really love people so much. It's odd to think about because I HATE social structure and am disgusted by most of the things the general population believes -- but as individuals I still love people. How I can manage to be so jaded and angry and yet hopeful and adoring at the same time is a little baffling to me. I get so angry about social things and yet people individually doing the same damn things makes me laugh and shake my head. I suppose on the individual level what stands out most to me is how trapped and confined people are (which inspires empathy), but when looking at society as a whole what stands out to me is how cruel and oppressive people are (which evokes anger).

I've had several very different reactions to my name since I started working -- all by males of the white-haired variety, interestingly enough. One person asked if it was my name, and when I said yes, told me that I should have a vowel on the end (in an angry tone, no less). I laughed out loud at the ASTOUNDING arrogance of this stranger and said with amusement, "I'm satisfied with it as it is." (ze seemed annoyed that I didn't consider zir command to be important, which just amused me more) Another person asked if it was my name or if someone was playing a prank (something to that effect) and I said that it was a self-chosen name (adding that my parents were not quite so creative). Ze laughed and said that ze knew many people who would choose their own name if they could, but that not many people are so brave. Ze was wearing a black pearl stud in zir left ear which I thought was a really fascinating way to self-decorate (I thought it was hematite and had to ask. I'm always drawn by simple gem cabochon earrings but it would bore me to actually wear them; I need more color and movement than that). There've been other people who just haven't known what to say when I said, "yes, it's a self-chosen name" and mumbled something about it being interesting or unique, hee.

I also managed to explain it accurately in a short number of words! A coworker asked why I go by James, and I said that I don't believe in gender, and since I tend to dress in a way people see as "feminine," wearing a "masculine" name is a clue that I don't follow all the gender norms. Ze asked what I mean by not believing in gender, and I said that I don't believe that men and women have [significantly] different brains, and that the stereotypes about the sexes harm people. I added that for instance, women aren't free to express strength and men aren't free to express sadness, so gender keeps people from being fully developed human beings. It was really a wonderful mini-conversation (lasting less than two minutes because we were on our way out the door for the night), because I could tell that the concept was rather new to zir but ze wasn't resistant to it. So lovely!

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Comments
saturnsdaughter ══╣Lady Gaga╠══
It's inspiring to see how genuinely happy you are with yourself as a person. I honestly don't think there's anyone else I know right now that could say those things about themselves and not come off as arrogant or bluffing.

I have similar feelings about people. I loathe the constraints of society, but still manage to be impressed by individuals. Anytime I feel like the world's in a really bad place, I tend to go to GivesMeHope and remind myself that we're not completely lost yet.
suesniffsglue ══╣╠══
I think your name is really beautiful! I don't get people who get hung up on boy and girl names. Maybe that's because mine is accepted as both so I'm used to people not making assumptions on my gender.

Your ability to see yourself in a loving light along w seeing others that way is very refreshing to me. Sometimes I think I view everyone, myself included, in the dark and that is very sad.
sylvanfae ══╣Love╠══
I <3 this post, and relate. Bless your heart.
cunningbunny ══╣odd bunny╠══
I really do want to know what rock these people live under that they've never encountered a female James before. It's a statistically fairly common female name! (#875--for comparison, Anika is #2087, and people apparently meet enough Anikas that they feel they have the right to tell me I pronounce my name wrong because "everyone else they've known with that name doesn't pronounce it that way.") Hell, Vince dated a female Kyle before meeting me. People live in tiny little bubbles. Wonder what the reaction would be if your name was "Jonathan" or something of the sort.

and yet people individually doing the same damn things makes me laugh and shake my head

Honestly, while I'm glad you've found something that makes you happy, I could never find personal truth in that. An example I keep coming back to is how homophobia at large makes me angry, and being called a dyke and being physically assaulted by individuals because of my sexual orientation didn't make me laugh and shake my head. Sometimes the things that society does at large are mimicked very harshly by individual people, and makes them, in my eyes, wholly unlovable. Individuals can be just as hateful and hurtful as the mob, and I do not feel unloving for not loving them. I think perhaps you're speaking of less vicious actions--like the gender system--but I'd be interested to hear a more expanded view of this philosophy.
belenen ══╣confused╠══
Statistically common, yes, but here all female James' seem to go by Jamie or Jama or some variant, to make it 'feminine.' Thus the person who told me not to go by James but put a vowel on the end.

oh, on that last point, I actually mean things specifically against ME, things which I find deeply offensive and horrible in and of themselves yet don't react with anger when strangers show me they have this attitude about me. Hm, I don't know how to explain that really. It still makes me livid when people do it to OTHER people in my presence, and I'm not likely to be understanding about it, and it upsets me when people who would call me 'friend' do it. Perhaps it is simply a mark of my privilege since I've never been physically assaulted or threatened in that way. The thing is, I see all prejudice and attempt-to-control as vicious, but when it is leveled against me in a way that does not literally threaten me, I do not get angry about it. I don't think so anyway. I'm unsure about it now, I'll have to think on it more.
cunningbunny ══╣odd bunny╠══
The name thing must truly be regional; the only "Jamies" I've known were those who actually had that on their birth certificate (and this includes males and females). Even Kyle didn't go by Kylie or Kyla, she went by Kyle. It was even fairly rare that I encountered anyone who thought I was weird for taking a "masculine" nickname for my birth name (Nik), and would have preferred I go by Nicole or Nikki. Those people were also pretty much limited to the very small town I lived in as a teenager--no one in a metropolis seems to care what gendering is associated with your name, at least not in my experience.

I think the latter point would be an interesting subject for a post, after you've mulled it over more and better fleshed out your feelings on the subject. I don't know how my feelings on the subject would be shaped had I not been the victim of severe bullying as a teenager over such things. Truly, I think those awful experiences made me a stronger person, better able to stand up for myself and for others in oppressed groups. But it also made me less tolerant of people who express hateful opinions on such subjects.

Edited to correct a spelling error
miintikwa ══╣╠══
This is beautiful!
lorelei_sakti ══╣╠══
You're awesome! I'm amused by myself as well; I totally understand.

I've never met a female James before; unlike some of your other posters I come from a smaller city probably. Taylor is becoming a popular female name... I think it's neat that so many male names are becoming androgynous. I like the name Courtney for a girl, and that used to be a boy's name. Although, it seems to no longer be used for boys. At least, not here in the states.

Anyway, I'm rambling. It was a very interesting post! I'm glad to hear that most people's reactions to your name are positive and accepting. :)
clown_frog ══╣╠══
Hello! I'm going to reply to this properly later (I rarely comment on first reads), but I just wanted to say that I really really like that icon: a very quick, visual, simple way to get the point across. Love it.
delicatexflower ══╣calm. girl; "laying down peacefully"╠══

your honesty about who you are at work is incredible! it must feel wonderful & liberating not pretending who you are in front of your co-workers. brownie points for you for always being yourself. ♥ xo
bellerisa ══╣Gambit╠══
lol the first half of your first paragraph could have been written by me! The difference is, I let false modesty get in the way when I should just admit that I love myself to the max! lol

I can't believe someone had the audacity to try and dictate how you should spell your name!
shioneh ══╣spiral dance╠══
This post made me feel so glowy to read.

It truly makes me so so happy that you love yourself as much as you do and gives me lots of hope. I hardly have the words to express how important I think loving oneself is. I definitely agree with what you said about it being most important to love the person you're going to be spending the rest of your life with. I think loving oneself helps us love others and vice-versa because really we are all one/connected.

Not very eloquent tonight because so tired but just wanted to let you know I'm reading and appreciating your posts.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.