November 2017
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preemptively depressed about my birthday


I'm really hurt. I invited my favorite local people (minus two whom Ash wouldn't be comfortable around) to celebrate my birthday (which is tomorrow, the 6th) by going to dinner and watching my favorite movie with me and most of them aren't coming. And I'm not super-close with them so it's not like they're snubbing me or being deliberately rude... Most of them have very good reasons anyway. I guess I was just hoping that it would matter more, somehow. I was so looking forward to being surrounded by people I adore. I think part of me is just upset that I don't have "pull" -- whatever it is that makes people excited just to be around a person. Then again that may be something that doesn't actually exist in general but I just see it because I feel it toward other people.

Also the fact that nearly everyone we invited to the flatwarming came but now people aren't coming makes me wonder if people aren't coming because what I want to do sounds boring and my company won't make up for that. Which, considering that people have good reasons for not coming, is irrational. But nothing about how I feel right now is rational.

Agh, I am really torn. Part of me wants to cancel because it's not going to be what I wanted and because I'm feeling really strongly that this is only important to me and I want to spend my birthday feeling like it's important so I kinda want to spend it alone doing something that I know will feel special, like going to see the Weeping Blue Atlas Cedar at the Botanical Gardens. (so what run-on fuckit) But it's cold so I don't fancy driving around in my heatless car and I'm already lonely and the people who ARE coming are really sweet and if they're actually looking forward to it I don't want to disappoint them (though there's a voice in my head saying that they're just coming to be nice and wouldn't care at all if it didn't happen).

I have really got to STOP building up my birthday in my head because it's never what I hope for. I've been crying (not just silent tears but actual sobbing) for OVER AN HOUR AND A HALF for fuck's sake. I was so excited earlier this week :-( Now I just want to shut everyone out with a slam and hibernate and maybe never talk to anybody ever again. And wallow, YES, FUCKING WALLOW OKAY. If I can't have a birthday party then I'll have a fucking pity party and you're not invited.

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ETA: Just to be clear, I'm not angry or upset with anyone individually for not coming, I'm just upset at the overall effect.

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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.