December 2017
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31


insane changes -- falling in love with Ash & Rob who turn out to be monogamous / moving soon


Last week Ash and Rob and two of Rob's friends came over and we ended up having an impromptu cuddle/energy-exchange party. Rob did Reiki on me and that energetic contact was just incredible -- I had a very strong crush on zir after that. A few days later I confessed my crush to Ash, who talked to Rob, and the two of them sorta invited me in. I've had feelings for Ash for a long time but kept them down because I didn't want to date someone I lived with -- that didn't change but the invitation was just too much for me to resist. I dropped the reins on my feelings for Ash and fell for Rob as well. We didn't really talk in-depth about how it would work so everything was a bit hazy and impulsive, so none of us acted on anything (there was a lot of cuddling but no kissing). After a few days of limbo, they decided they wanted to be monogamous. It shocked me in a way but at the same time it made sense from things I'd seen.

I'm really thankful that I didn't kiss either of them because this hurts so much and I know it would have been worse if we had. I think I'm still in shock though -- the only way I'm coping right now is by hoping that they won't be monogamous forever. Much like how I handled the breakup with Hannah and Nick. I know it's only happened twice but I feel like I'm some kind of curse that 'turns' people monogamous :-p Mergh.

Also Ash wants me to contribute more financially because ze feels the current arrangement is unfair. I have until June 1st to contribute more or move out. So. I'm still hoping to be able to afford more, but if I do I think I'll want to move anyway -- it's just going to be too uncomfortable being around two people I am in love with who are not in love with me. blehhhh. And I do hate living so far north. If I cannot find some way to increase my income, I'll be moving to New Orleans. It's a bit stressful to think about but I'm not going to worry. Whatever happens was meant to happen -- despite the pain, this all feels very in-line with my path. Ash and Rob were meant to get together, I was meant to fall for them, and they were meant to choose monogamy. So. I am crushed and heartbroken, but it's a clean pain with no bitterness.

(btw Kate and Kay -- one way or another, I'm going to have space for you to visit. If I'm living with my parents there won't be any walking around naked, but it's going to work. We'll just have to delay planning a bit. Love you babes, sooooooo looking forward to seeing you this year ♥)

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Comments
frecklestars ══╣ghost-girl╠══
You're hardly a curse. It's bad luck, that's all. Like me falling in love with straight women. :P

Don't worry about having space for me! I'll have a hotel or somewhere. If you have space, lovely, but if not, don't worry. Or maybe you can just come stay with me in said hotel and have a mini semi-pretend vacation! We'll figure something out. :P And by "we" I mean "I will buy my damn ticket soon because I will stop procrastinating".
belenen ══╣adoring╠══
well, right now I don't even know what state I'm gonna be in, so you might want to wait a little on your ticket :-p As long as you buy at least a month in advance you should be good, price-wise, I think. (that's been my experience anyway)

Wow, that mini semi-pretend vacation sounds like the awesomest thing ever, haha! But I'm still hoping to have actual space ;-)
frecklestars ══╣magic horse╠══
Oh, totally. I'm more concerned about what I'm doing with Balthazar - have to book the kennel too! :P But this is not meant to pressure you. I won't start worrying about it in reality till late June/early July.

But still, *squee*! So looking forward to it, which I know I've said about 3 billion and a half times by now. Hopefully we're not building it up so much that it's disappointing. ha (I doubt that's possible though.)
aerialmelodies ══╣Clear Blue Skies╠══
I'm sorry, hon. :( You're not a curse, though! Don't think any less of yourself and who you are. <3

New Orleans? Um, cry! I know we don't get to see each other often because it is such a long drive for the two of us, but I'd obviously love it if you found a spot much closer in to the city. Whatever happens, though, I hope you're happy.
belenen ══╣nuzzle╠══
*snuggles*

I'd love that too! And hey, are you free tonight? The talk at Borders is energy work, which seems more up your alley than most of the topics and I'd looooooove to see you there!
aerialmelodies ══╣╠══
Ooo, possibly! I do have boot camp until 7pm, though. What time does it start at?
belenen ══╣hopeful╠══
8pm, but people often wander in late so no one will frown at you if you arrive late ;-)
aerialmelodies ══╣╠══
I'll see what I can do! Definitely a good topic for me~ :)

<3
jendaby ══╣The Tree╠══
**hugs** I have found, over time, that everything that has happened in my own life happened for some reason, and even the worst things have eventually let to something magical and amazing.

If you do end up in NOLA, it is a beautiful place. (have you been?) The trees there are AMAZING! We're there about once a year, but I wish we could be there more often.

Best wishes and warm, glowing energy to you no matter where your path takes you. *hugs*
belenen ══╣tree elder╠══
I've seen photos of the trees and thaaat really draws me ♥ thanks for the reminder!

*hugsnuggles*
tangledaxon ══╣╠══
You're such a bright spirit and I admire and love your ability to say, "This was how it was meant to unfold." Sometimes I think people are open to an idea (like polyamory) in theory, but when it comes down to reality, they realize it actually isn't for them. But I know that someone as lovely as you will touch/open many hearts. <3
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
I know that someone as lovely as you will touch/open many hearts.

oh, J, you almost made me cry there. Thank you so so much lovey ♥ This was exactly what I needed to hear.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
Sometimes I find that when the same painful thing is happening to me time and time again, it just means I didn't absorb the lesson or message the first time (or the second, third, fourth... you get the picture). Rather than guess that you are cursed, why not take a closer look at all of the implications and see if there is a message there from the universe that you haven't seen yet??
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
heh, well I was mostly joking about that. The lesson I could take would be to be more careful with my heart, but I'd rather have the pain than do that. So the lesson I am taking is that even if something seems like the most magical thing in the world and nothing else will ever compare, it's not the end of life if I lose it. And if I keep looking I'll find something just as amazing -- maybe next time it will work.
acid_burns ══╣ta/ scarlet's walk through the voilets╠══

You said it yourself perfectly :)

♥♥♥ Keep on keeping on. You are amazing, Bel.
painted_dreams ══╣╠══
Would you be interested in moving to Maryland? Having a super cool roommate that loves to travel, writes, paints and shoots photos?

I am only a ten hour drive from Atlanta....

I've been wanting to move to New Orleans as well but that might have to wait until next year when I've been at my job (the library) for a year (which is next Feb).

I can imagine how much pain you must be in. When I was 19 a friend of mine at the time starting dating someone she knew I was in love with. It was hard to be around them and she was selfish enough to ask me to still hang out with the both of them (and like a good friend I did). Thankfully, she ended up leaving my life for good and I was able to move on.
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
So sorry you are going through more pain. :( You are an awesome person and draw so many to you who might mainly know you through the very open posts on your blog. I hope you find someone (someones?) as awesome as you to share with! :)
-Leah
clown_frog ══╣╠══
I'm sorry it didn't work out, Bel. I'm thinking "the dangers of impromptu cuddle parties", but I don't mean it flippantly... or that they are a bad thing... or that it was the only whatdoyoucallit stimulant, cause, that kind of thing. The *whoosh* fireball point, maybe though. I don't know. I like the sound of cuddle parties. I think I might be a secretly cuddly and loving person :-p So can imagine falling for people and then feeling terribly sad and unwanted. It still sounds worth it. Anyway, I'm sorry it didn't work.

Also *sniffles* about having to put plans on hold (having a selfish moment - was starting to get seriously excited about actually booking time off work / tickets, a reality!). I certainly hope it can still happen this year. With or without walking round naked :-) Though feels like it just wouldn't be the whole experience without proper nudist Bel ;)

I hope you find a better job soon!!! With more money so you can stay wherever you choose and not have to worry at all about that... I can't imagine you needing luck, because you will have an honest and friendly face and also beautiful eyes and expressive mouth and that should guarantee anyone a job. Eyes are captivating things. Wish you luck anyway though, it can't harm!
lorelei_sakti ══╣╠══
You're not a curse, Bel! I wish polyamory were easier and there were more poly people out there for you!
camilleyun ══╣╠══
I've been out of the loop/out of my mind for a while now so I ahve to ask why New Orleans?
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
that's where my biofamily lives. But I'm staying with Ben instead.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.