July 2017
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friendship / rebecca / changes in me


I'm really really tempted to lock this, but that would defeat my purpose to this journal. If I want to be totally open and honest, I need to stop holding back when I post. I feel a bit hypocritical. Anyway.

From age 15 to age 18 I had an incredibly deep friendship with Rebecca. We were both very mature for our age and very honest, and so our friendship had the depth of a marriage. We promised each other that if she hurt me, I would tell her (and vice versa) so the problem would get worked out and not fester, causing division. We had all the late night talks and giggle marathons you could want. But eventually we realized that the truly open one was me, and she wore a mask -- even with me. This devestated me, because even though she hadn't held back intentionally, I felt betrayed. But she promised that she would seek to open her heart, get to know herself, and let me get to know the real her. So I was comforted.

But then only a few months later, I moved to PA. At first we spent a fortune on phone cards -- but I was the one who called, at least 80% of the time. And I wrote her many letters...... but she never wrote back so I eventually stopped. Our contact got sporadic and then pretty much ceased. I had become lifemates with Ben, and he was fulfilling my need to love and be loved, so I stopped reaching to Rebecca, and she continued not reaching to me.

January of last year I moved back into the area, and occasionally we've talked since then. But we are so different now.
We used to love the same music -- now our tastes are totally different.
I've become open to new ideas -- she hasn't, as far as I can see.
I've become malleable -- she hasn't.
I want newness -- she wants sameness.
I've grown far from the high school culture -- she has become acclimatized to it.
I've become more open -- she has retreated more into her shell.
(that last probably bothers me the most, because she never followed through on her promise. I know it's hard to do in high school, but it is possible)

And I feel like she wants me to fit back into that person she's comfortable with -- the 'old Kristen' who is guarded, argues with everything (whether worth it or not), doesn't believe in herself, discounts people with different views, doesn't require her friends to be deep and open, yeilds to more stubborn people, doesn't pry her christian friends about their walk with God, tries to foist her opinions on others, doesn't truly forgive, rejects correction, thinks of herself as worthless and ugly, doesn't like change, doesn't actively seek to grow -- and loves Rebecca more than anything else, including Ben.

I can't fit back into that person, and I'd rather die or be physically tortured than try. I cherish the changes God has made in me.

The old friendship has died and there is no resurrecting it. I'd be willing to try at a new friendship if she was willing to shoulder half of it, to try new things, to grow, to change, to be open and deep -- but those are HUGE obstacles for any human, and she should overcome them for herself and God, not me. (I don't know if she has already overcome them)

The thing is, the old friendship is the only thing we still have in common! We don't have any common interests, really. I like the Benjamin Gate and other 'odd' bands, beading, web-building, modeling, painting, inventing new humanoid races, a wide variety of literature, studying human behavior... she doesn't like any of those things (that I know of) Unless we got deep really fast and could talk about soul and spirit, what would we talk about?
feelings: contemplative
connecting: ,


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Comments
karmia ══╣╠══
scourge ══╣stiletto╠══
belenen ══╣strong╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.