November 2017
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mistaken for a pre-teen / the Benjamin Gate's last show / dream: protecting castle purple metal


That's right. I've been taken for a middle-schooler again. I went to William's school today to drop off something for him, and a boy comes up to me and asks if I go to that school. Oh my gosh. Spencer thought it was frickinilarious when I told them about it tonight. *rolls eyes* I guess it is. I'm TWENTY! I have breasts and hips and I don't have acne or wear pink!!! What makes people think I'm still in the awkwardest stage of human existence? Blech. Seven years. I look SEVEN years younger than I am. *eyes are now sprained from all the rolling*

Well, I'm still sick. But getting better I think. Oh yeah, yesterday I had an odd dream. I don't remember all of it, but here's what I remember...
I was in a huge stone and wood castle serving the princess, who was preparing for a performance. Someone was after her, so I was helping her hide, and preparing to defend her. Eventually I found a hiding place and left her there, going down to the main part of the castle. I could hear the enemy's forces coming toward the castle -- there was such a great horde that I felt the vibrations and heard a roaring noise (I was in a roofed chamber the size of a football stadium). I prayed, because I knew I needed more strength than I had to defend effectively, and for some reason a female spirit answered. I saw all of the wood, most importantly the gates, turn to a purple metal. As they drew closer, I felt that I had power over the purple metal and I commanded the gates to seal impermeably. They did. This was awe-inspiring, because these gates were hundreds of stories tall. I knew that the castle was impregnable, and I woke up.

And the BENJAMIN GATE's last show. I'm so glad I got to go. Nimajn and Ben and Kristen agreed with me. (we had so much fun with the double names) Well, Nimajn drove us to Birmingham, where we crashed at otherBen's friend's house, and we got up at about 3:00 to head for Denison TX. We switched off driving and got there before the first band even played. (due in great part to Kristen's driving, the 100mph maniac) We killed time until the BenGate came on, and oh, it was so worth it. Kristen brought a vidcam and had my Nimajn film the show. We discovered a powerful talent in Nimajn! He did a phenomenal job. The only reason it will need editing is my arm kept getting in the way, and he didn't warn me.

Oh, the show was awesome. Adrienne was crying most of the time, but kept perfect control over her voice, and the band really rocked out. When they played "Need," I broke down and cried, which I didn't expect to do. ("Need" is my theme song, it encompasses all my struggles and desires from birth to now) But they picked it up again afterwards, and ended with jumpy songs. I'd have to say it was the most perfect set ever.

Afterwards, I was getting the band to sign stuff for Kristen Brownlow, my evil twin who didn't go with us, and Nick (the drummer) told me that he had a feeling they might see me there. I was flattered that he thought of me, since I never even talked to him before. I talked to Mac and Chris and of course Adrienne, but not Nick. So yeah. Afterward Kristen and I waited for the flood of "sign this" people around Adrienne to die down, and talked to her a little. She said she was surprised to see us and hugged us. I asked if she'd gotten my letters and she said she hadn't been home since the first 2 (which I sent together). So I told her she had 4 waiting. Kristen gave her her band's CD (She's in the band "Ruckus"). She told us she was gonna get food and if we wanted we could hang around and talk to her later. So we hung around, and eventually I talked to her (Kristen felt too awkward). I just congratulated her on her wedding and told her about mine, and she congratulated me on mine... I told her I was going to miss seeing them play and she said they were sad about it too... and I told her that when I asked God for verses for her He kept giving me "I'm going to restore you to your homeland" verses... and she asked me some question that I can't remember. There was more but I don't remember. Then I said something about leaving, which surprised her for some reason, and she hugged me bye.

As soon as I turned my back and started walking away, I started crying. Fortunately it was the silent kind. But it was intense, so intense it startled me. I wept, for loss of the band and also because I felt like I had given my heart to Adrienne and lost it. I had no idea just how much I loved her until right then. See, the God's curse/blessing that rules my life is my love. I am very careful in whom I give it to because I can't give it halfway and I can't take it back. Once I decided to love someone, I love them forever no matter what, with my whole heart. It is a powerful gift, but it can cause me so much pain when it isn't returned, or is returned in such a smaller measure. I love Adrienne like I love Del, Accaber, and ya-ya, which is crazy, since I scarcely know her soul at all. But I do know her spirit, and that's how I love her. I remember being sad like this when I felt like Rebecca only loved me a little, and I'm still sad that way over Paula, my spiritual mommy. I really want to be friends with Adrienne. Well. I'm not giving up on her and unless she tells me to quit writing her, I'm gonna keep doing it. I wish I knew what she thought of me. I do my best to not be a cloying fan... I pray I succeed.

OtherBen drove ALL the way back to B-ham after we left. We offered to drive occasionally but he just said that he was going to keep going until he couldn't, and then we could drive, and he ended up going the whole way. After we hit 24 hours of awakeness, Kristen and I started finding EVERYTHING funny. We named Ben's new Camry "Bensten Hooters" because our names were BEN and kriSTEN and we were parked in a gas station in front of a Hooters. Then we decided we were a band and our band name was Bensten Hooters, and Kristen started "making music" using the roar of air past the window as an instrument, and adding random words. Oh my freakin' g'nns, it was hilarious. And she decided that our hometown was "Canadia" and so we pronounced words like "aboot." For some reason, that in particular sent me off. I got hysterical with laughter every time she said "aboot." And she made a "song" called "Aboot God." (basically she occasionally said the word 'aboot' and the word 'God.') Even Nimajn picked up some of our giddiness, and THAT was worth seein', let me tell you.

Eventually we showed up at OtherBen's house, and Nimajn decided that he was up for driving home... so we did. Ridiculous but true. We were awake for... 36 hours before we got home.

feelings: nostalgic
sounds: The Benjamin Gate: "Scream"
connecting: , , , , ,

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Comments
spinninghead ══╣Step Into Liquid╠══
First of all, your icon ROCKS.

Now, I want to say, I'm so glad you got to go to their show. I really really wish I could've gone. I probably would've gotten all emotional all over the place, too. It would've been awesome to be able to talk to her again and to the rest of the band, thought it would be much different from the rest of the shows I've seen them at, where we joked around and stuff. I think I'm the same way, with loving people. I give my whole heart to loving someone, and when that person is gone, a piece of me is gone. That piece can grow back and be filled with other love again, but I will always remember that love. I know I will never forget TBG and I won't stop playing their music. My kids someday will probably think it's dorky, cos it's "mom's music," but I'll still think it's cool and I'll think of Adrienne and Jeremy and wonder how they're doing. I know that will be the case for many of us fans.

Again, I'm really glad you got to go to their show. It's awesome that you got to have that experience. I'll be wanting one of those tapes, too. I already emailed someone about it, though. :)

God bless!
[hugs]
Rose
spinninghead ══╣╠══
Oh, another thing, I can relate about the middle schooler thing... I did an internship at a middle school last year and people thought I was one of the middle schoolers a lot of the time - they'd ask, "what grade are you in, 7th?" I'd be like, "No, I'm an adult." People try to make you feel better by saying that you'll love looking younger than your age when you get older, but it just doesn't help.
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
I too know the "mistaken for a kiddo" pain...mostly 'cuz I'm short and don't wear 5 pounds of makeup and don't have perfect Jennifer Aniston hair...OH YEAH, the curly hair makes a difference... Benten Hooters, eh? v. nice! :)

*huggles* and this, oh my Bel, is why I have taken great pains to never become an INVOLVED fangirl of any kind...though I really would like to get to know some of the people I admire. Randomly talking to Ebony Thomas (an HP fanfic writer) at Nimbus without knowing who she was (and then her chatting with us sporadically all weekend)was just the coolest!

But I applaud your bravery in 1) having the gumption to just walk up to a famous person and befriend them (and I know you did it without looking stupid!), and 2) being able to give your heart to someone you don't ever really see, but KNOW just the same.

36 hours, huh? heh, that's just when the fun begins! 48 starts to get really loony...but never push it to 72...scientists say you start to hallucinate, and I can verify this from personal experience! Or are walls supposed to spin?
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.