November 2017
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safe


I'm so in love I can hardly breathe. But it's a different kind of love than any I've tasted before. It doesn't just throw me around all wildly like ocean waves -- it also folds around me with fierce tenderness and lifts me with delicate water-fingers and I feel safe in a way I never have before, and I'm so scared because if I adjust to this, if I believe in this and lean into it, all that exists will be transformed. I don't know what that universe is like.

Last night I came apart. I was feeling intense insecurity and I expressed it and then it exploded a billion times larger and I had a complete meltdown (which I haven't experienced in years) -- in front of Anita, while touching (which usually I cannot bear if I'm feeling unlovable). It's rare enough for me to even cry in front of people but to totally fall apart? I've not done that more than three or four times in my life. And it shocked me because I didn't know there were still pieces of me that were so damaged and because I didn't know that I trusted Anita that much. I didn't shut zir out! I did close down some but not completely like I always had before. And ze didn't get frustrated or put up a guard or try to talk me out of it or fix me or make me happy. And ze didn't get disillusioned or angry or cold or impatient. And ze didn't care for me less or trust me less because of it. Ze just stayed with me and let me feel and listened and stayed open to me and felt with me. And ze offered comfort not just once, but gently again and again until I could accept it. And ze held me without me asking. I really cannot put into words what that was like. I'm still having a hard time believing it. It's a memory and I know it happened but it still seems too good to be true.

sounds: The Notwist - This Room | Powered by Last.fm
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Comments
musicandmisery ══╣x-files - momento mori╠══
You are so incredibly lucky, Bel... just wow. I can't even imagine having someone like that in my life. Truly amazing. *hugs*
moonvoice ══╣bones - bones and shoes╠══
*hugs*

I've only experienced this once, myself (as an adult), ironically with a person who I don't feel safe enough around to experience it again; but it makes that original experience no less valuable.
writer_lilies ══╣Awesome╠══
Well if it's happening to someone I know, it's sure to come my way soon. Wishing you further love and safety.
burningmarl ══╣╠══
Lovely :]

&I'm the same, I can't stand being touched when I'm in physical or emotional pain. Particularly emotional.
divinemiss_em ══╣╠══
I know that had to be really intense. But so, so beautiful and freeing. I am happy that you had such an opening!
delicatexflower ══╣happy. drew; "whip it - ellen - kiss"╠══

maybe you fell apart because you were ready for it..? the body, mind and heart are all connected. in the past maybe you wouldn't be able to do that, but you've been growing so much into you lately and maybe there's a slight chance you are growing into this big beautiful flower. i'm sorry it was so painful, but with pain, beauty will follow. a flower needs both the rain and sun to grow <3
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.