September 2017
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dream (old friend turns lookist &violent, steals my mobility / ex-partner is affectionate/attentive)


I was in a bathroom with Allison (a friend from high school whom I haven't really talked to in years) and ze was criticizing someone else's body, pointing out feature after feature and saying nasty things about them. I was shocked because ze wasn't like that at all when I knew zir, and after a few minutes of listening in shock I said with horror "I can't believe you've become so cynical!" (which in the dream was a concept that meant cruel/lookist/judgmental). Ze got furious with me and there was some sort of struggle which I won by stopping zir from continuing (I think it was a physical fight but I can't remember it well now), after which ze went out and slashed all my tires. ((Note: my car feels like an extension of my body and I'm as attached to zir as I am to my friends, so this is emotionally an attack on my person)) At first I was upset that ze would be so violent and that there wasn't much I could do about it, but then I realized that I had proof that ze did it and that ze would have to replace them anyway when all was said and done (though I'd have to cut through a lot of red tape) and I said, "you were trying to hurt me but my tires needed replacing anyway and now I get a full set of free tires, so this works out for me!" Or I thought it and didn't say it, I can remember worrying about retaliation if I spoke more but I can't remember what I did with that worry.

Then my ex-partner came in and was kind to me (I think ze offered to help with the process of getting my tires replaced) and I was suspicious that it was something that Allison had arranged to try to get back at me in a more sneaky way. Ze seemed sincere though, so I accepted zir kindness and allowed zir to be affectionate to me (hug, kiss on the corner of my mouth) but said something like "this isn't a thing that exists" and ze said "we'll work it out." I felt confused (as it seemed like ze was striking up a romantic relationship) but open to whatever outcome, with no investment.

What is really bizarre about this is that both dream-characters are so different from the faces they took on. Allison was probably my most body-positive friend in high school, as well as one of the most non-judgmental people I've known and not at all violent. B is probably the least cuddly person I know and (at least in the past) one of the least 'let's work it out' people I know.

But then, my dreams about speaking up about lookism tend to result in people being violently angry with me. Does my psyche use it as a symbol for all prejudice? that makes sense as it contributes massively to all other prejudices. Maybe I'm really afraid of being attacked if I speak up boldly. In the dreams, something happens that is intensely dreadful enough to shock me out of fear. In real life it's almost always more subtle and when I respond I always try to do so gently (unless I have great trust that the person will listen to my argument regardless of 'tone').


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.