August 2017
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what home means to me -- a resting place, not a living place


I've recently realized that the way I spend time and the way I think of home is different than most people I've lived with. Home, to me, is where I go to rest and feel secure -- and this usually involves being relaxed/passive/solitary. It's not where I want to spend most of my time -- it's where I want to go back to after adventures. If I'm happy and healthy I want to be OUT most of the time (at least 5 days out of 7), interacting with people and exploring. Being out satisfies my yearning to wander. The only times I spend vast lengths of time at home is when I'm feeling depressed or need to process/recover or feel like I have no one to explore with (I can explore on my own if it's warm, but if it's cold I need people with me to motivate me to brave the cold).

But for most people, "home is where the heart is" and home is where you are happiest spending your time. I remember this being a point of conflict when I lived with the Wynnes -- I loved that family more than anyone else I'd ever known, and I LOVED my room SO much (it was FULL of light and they let me paint it purple and green and it had a built-in-desk and its own full-of-light bathroom), 'yet' I was out all the time. I was working full time and going to school full time and dating and going to group therapy (which for me was a wonderful social activity), and I loved the whirl. I think Paula started to feel like I didn't care about them because I wasn't often home, and she started asking me to call when I was going to be out late (ostensibly so ze wouldn't worry but really I think because ze didn't want to feel forgotten) -- which I could never remember to do until it was already past the time ze'd be asleep. I didn't realize (until now) that it is possible they felt unloved or like I didn't want to live there -- yet it was probably my favorite place I've ever lived.

It was a problem when I lived with Ash, too, though for a different reason. I spent most of the time that I wasn't working in my room, watching shows or listening to music or making jewelry, and ze felt like I didn't want to spend time with zir because I didn't hang out in the communal area or leave my door open or initiate hang-out time. (my door stayed closed for warmth and to separate the cats, but the closed door communicated 'keep out' to Ash) I enjoyed hanging out but being home for me is a comfort thing, I want to be cozy and relaxed and my room was far too much of a cozy-draw for me to want to hang out elsewhere in the flat, but Ash didn't feel comfortable in my room so to have hang-out time it had to happen in Ash's room.

And I think it was a disappointment for Ben when I lived with zir briefly this summer -- I think ze had envisioned much more hang-out time but I was out most of the time, and when I was home I wasn't in a social mood. It's been difficult for Arizona too -- this summer we spent tons of time together because I was working for room/board, but since school started I've been using financial aid to pay for rent and have not been around the house much (and when I do it's generally to study or relax my brain).

And then when people start feeling unhappy about how rarely I'm around and communicate this, I start feeling guilty and then I start avoiding home because I no longer feel free to leave, so if I'm there I feel sort of trapped. Which is a problem, but I'm not entirely sure how to break that down and stop that reaction.

All this makes me worry that I'm not suited to live with people I'm close with because it seems really difficult to get around that expectation. My daydream looks like this: sharing living space (a house or multi-room flat) with people I love who are either wanderfooted or solitary or not emotionally invested in me; having my own, separate space; having communal space where everyone living there has equal freedom to invite people to (this is very important! I've NEVER had this and yearned for it all my life); having no one be sad if I'm gone for days at a stretch, and no one be upset if I'm home but don't want to interact. I dunno if that's possible. I hope so, and I want to try it with my lil sis and Kyle (who is probably more out-oriented than I am even) and maybe some others. Am I the only one who thinks of home like this?


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.