November 2017
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random -- yay LJing! / school and money stress / body changes / Kanika is staying at Serendipity


I replied to comments today! and commented on someone else's post as well! this is so new and happy-yay! I've missed LJing. I mean, it's not just about processing or recording -- it's about letting you in and growing closer to you. I miss you Nea and J and Laura and Kay and Kat and Angie and Sabrina and Andi and Kelley and Jen andandand! I've been facebooking a lot so I've kept in better contact with some of you but it's not the same. Also y'all need to post more! *laughs*

I'd forgotten just how RICH it is to write here, and how wonderful I feel when I look at my journal and see my thoughts painted out and framed. It's been bugging me for a long time that I haven't been writing but I just haven't had the pull because most of my LJ inspirations have also been posting less (or moved to dreamwidth, which I could just never get into because I couldn't take my custom style with me and I'm so attached to it). Now I've been talking to Hannah, which sort of puts me in the right mindspace for writing, and I've gotten back in contact with Aurilion, who is writing (♥ ♥ ♥!!!) in the style I do, which makes me feel all kinds of fingersmacky.

I'm stressed about school, partly because the scholarship that's been funding me is being changed to something I'm worried I can't manage, eek, so now I'm stressed about grades when I'd just gotten over that thanks to all As last semester. But I have a class which is all multiple choice tests which I do badly on even when I study (and I didn't study for the last test, ACK) and another which I love but have gotten very behind on. So, stress=much. and then there's all these things that feel really important to do this summer, like having Hannah visit and going to Transformus and going to the RADICAL FEMINIST SEMINAR (in Boston MA), all of which cost money. I feel like I need to do these things... and I am so massively busy this semester that I don't think I could handle working until the semester is over. Wonder if I could get my local coffeehouse to give me a job starting as soon as finals are done, hmmm.

Ohh, and I want to talk about my body! I've been thinking a lot about curvygirls this week because it was the one activist thing that I can point to and be like, "I made an obvious difference!" so I put it on my scholarship applications, heh. But anyway, my body has changed a LOT over the past year, because I've been so much more active. I think possibly also I've been undereating because it's hard to find food without meat that actually nourishes me, and while I can do it at home, I'm often away for lengths of time. And I can only eat so many bananas and food bars. But mostly I've just been active -- I was working on really physical stuff all summer and have kept moving since. Kyle loves to take walks and so we do that pretty often, and there is a coffeeshop in walking distance which motivates me to take walks even on my own! :-O I've found the changes in my body a little disconcerting, as I've never lost fat to this extent before. My breasts have gotten less full and my belly is less firm, and now I can't wear some of my clothes without them falling off, which I find REALLY ANNOYING. But I feel stronger and I'm more flexible (though the flexibility is mainly from sex) and I'm adjusting, though I'm not quite keeping up with the changes so I still look in the mirror and feel a sense of not-my-body. But I've discovered that it helps to dance naked in front of the full-length mirror in my room :D

Also Serendipity has adopted Kanika, or perhaps the other way around. I went to visit this weekend and 'Nika had pretty clearly decided that Arizona is zir new person (though ze was excited to see me and went back and forth, so I've not been forgotten), and as they were willing to keep zir, it seemed right. I'll miss zir a lot but I know ze will be happier in one place and I'll probably keep being a tumbleweed so it would just stress us both out.

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Comments
frecklestars ══╣magic horse╠══
I've noticed the difference between facebooking and LJing as well; I keep in touch with more people on facebook, but on LJ I feel like I can get closer to people.

Try not to worry about school (which I know is near impossible). You're a great student and I bet your professors will get that and give you a break if you need it. I know that when the best students of mine are having a tough time and they tell me about it, I am way more inclined to give them extensions and leeway than the students who don't let me know something's up.

I'm so glad to hear Kanika has a place! Animals rarely forget people, so I wouldn't worry. My ex's mother's cat remembered me after I'd been gone for 2 years. Just ran right up to me the second I walked in and stretch out his neck for pets like I used to give him.

As always, hope you're well and I miss & <3 you!!!
tangledaxon ══╣╠══
While I keep a Facebook to stay in touch with people I otherwise wouldn't, I vastly prefer blogging and journaling. There's so much more potential for a meaningful connection. Like I said in my last comment, I'm so happy you're posting here again!

By the way, I remember you mentioned wanting to go to WisCon awhile ago; are you still thinking of going? It would be so wonderful to see you face-to-face!
ladywind ══╣╠══
Seconding the dancing naked in front of a full-length mirror thing. If there's a better way to relearn where one is in space, I haven't found it. (which reminds me that I need to quit waffling and *get* a new full-length; has been too long since I saw my shoulders & my hips at the same time. :D )

FWIW, if you have time to/interest in modding your clothes to fit your current shape, may I recommend the clothing forums at Craftster? Fascinating stuff within.

~quiet hugs~ Welcome back.
sidheblessed ══╣Heart conversations╠══
I just wanted to say how glad I am to see you posting on LJ again. I've missed you and your posts a lot. I know we've kept in contact on Facebook but it's not the same as reading one of your posts here. I come away from each of your posts feeling like a piece of you has been unraveled and I know you better than I did coming into the post.

*hugs* ♥
smurfb1ue ══╣╠══
I don't know what kind of access to food you have where you're currently living, but when I was a vegan (I'm having to reintroduce animal products now that I'm preparing my body to move to Tanzania) Tofurkey lunch "meat" was a staple simply because it had so much protein. Whenever I was out with friends, they'd laugh because--regardless of where we were--I could pull out a package of tofurkey and have something to nibble on while they ate. Same with Boca burgers, though they definitely don't travel as well. If you're not on a really strict food plan in regards to allergies or anything, nut butters or hummus with crackers; granola; and nuts can work pretty well too.

CurvyGirls is an awesome form of activism to include in your applications. I think it says a lot that you were able to bring together such a flourishing internet community passionate about the same/similar thing. It can be so discouraging to fill out all those scholarship applications, but--at least in my experience--college is such an incredible opportunity for growth and the ability to encounter new ideas and dialogue about them is so worth all the trouble it takes to make it happen.
aerialmelodies ══╣Clear Blue Skies╠══
You write so much from the heart and it's always without judgment; I'm so happy that you're back and writing here again. Hopefully we will see each other sometime soon!

rainbowfox9 ══╣╠══
YAY you're writing again! This feels so clear and fresh and yee!

It's interesting -- I have another friend who writes in a very clear 'snapshot' kind of way which I like for just capturing the barest essentials (good for when one doesn't have a lot of time, I guess), and while it's helpful sometimes to just catch the minimum, I LOVE WRITING. I don't care if I over-explain; I'd rather communicate enough that I feel like I've said what I mean to say, even if it's just me looking back over it in a year or something and being able to say, "Oh yes, that's what I meant!"

With the school thing, I've found that professors are incredibly understanding. Particularly since you have very obviously made the effort and gotten the grades every professor would know you are capable of. I can understand that being high on your concerns list, but I don't think it needs to be. Professors are very lenient when it comes to their students going through real troubles. *hugs*

Going vegetarian (or vegan for that matter) can be incredibly tough. Our culture, on the whole, doesn't cater to that eating pattern. Beans take a long time to prepare (usually soaking and whatnot) but they are SO good for you. I'm just trying to think, in my lifetime of experience with being around non-meat protein products, what is the most healthy for a body to eat, because I KNOW what you mean about the under eating. I have a fast metabolism, and I absolutely have to get enough protein otherwise my body freaks out.

Nuts are awesome. Not all the time, but almonds, if you're eating those, are really quite amazing. Garbanzo beans/chickpeas are also really good. Tofurkey, and eggs, if you're still eating those, are amazing sources of protein.

You know, just a thought, but something that might be helpful for you is if you were to make your own granola bars. I don't think they would cost very much to make (I mean, we make our own granola every couple of weeks and it's awesome), and I could give you a rough recipe of what I use. It's good for a snack, breakfast, late night craving...

I know you haven't mentioned anything about this, but has anyone ever recommended fish oil capsules to you? (Or perhaps that's not OK with the vegetarian thing, I'm not sure.) If that would be OK.. it's just I started taking them and they have SO helped me out -- mood regulation and they help with so many other things like hair and nail growth and lots of other good stuff. Just a random thought.

Oh! Another protein thing -- yogurt, or even, oh, better! Cottage cheese. That has massive amounts of protein in it. Even Greek yogurt is GOOOD. It's strained, and just I think has less milkfat in it than regular yogurt, but powerful protein.

I have a friend who writes a food blog, and I remember zir writing a post about energy 'bumps' that included cacao nibs. I'll find that post for you -- you might be interested in reading zir blog, I don't know. But it strikes me that that one particular post might be helpful.

OK, I'll end this massively long comment now.
jupitercornwall ══╣╠══
I've missed seeing you! We should hang out soon. 678-622-6385, since I think I forgot to answer your FB party invite.
isarma ══╣╠══
I miss LJing for the same reasons. I'm trying to get back to it, but it's hard to restart a habit like that:)
kschap ══╣╠══
some stuff!
I'm sad that LJ has become sort of like a ghost town. Haha. At least my friends page has. I'm on Dreamwidth, but I'm only posting new stuff there because I imported ALLLL of my old journaling into that account; I want to keep a full account of my writing. And I hate their layouts. lol.

I'm glad to see you posting more frequently again. :) I've always looked forward to your posts and tend to get excited if I catch a glimpse of your username on the sidebar of my friends page. :D

I had a dream about you last night! I had decided to go to that... MondoHomo (did I get the name right? that sounds incredibly silly to me right now and I can't stop giggling at it) event you posted about on Facebook/Twitter, and didn't tell you in advance. We were across the room from each other in an art gallery sort of space while an all-female choir sang. One of the people in the choir was someone who lives in my apartment building. I was waving to you from across the room, and it took you a minute to realize it was me because you hadn't expected me to be there. :D I don't remember much more than that. My dreams are super random!

BTW, if you really do end up coming to Boston this summer, we really must get together. Boston is only about 3 hours away from me. I have a few semi-casual friends in the Boston area who might be willing to provide a place to stay if I give enough advance notice (but that's not for certain), so if you need that let me know. I'd also maybe be interested in the radical feminist conference--I'll have to look it up. There are a good amount of cool places to go in Boston itself, or you could always visit Maine too. :D

Hey, speaking of hypocrisy, I have a question, and forgive me if I've asked you something like this before because I don't remember haha. I wasn't fully on board with it at first, and I guess I'm still not *fully*, but... your gender-free pronouns... I've been using them when commenting to you/your LJ to keep your journal a gender-free space as much as possible. However, I personally am not using them in my own writing/conversations because while I see the purpose and agree with it the more I think about it, I just don't feel comfortable enough to do so. That may change, or that may not, and I just... I dunno, I guess I wondered about your thoughts on that. I'm attempting to respect your wishes for language use but I also don't want to come across as phoney. :D

FINALLY (good god this comment is, like, email material!), there is a local artist featured in the "art gallery" (really just a hallway, haha) of the hospital I volunteer at who reminded me strongly of you. Maybe you'd be interested in zir work. :)

http://susanelliot.com/

Let me know what you think! It's some of the most unique artwork I've seen in the hospital in a long time.

I've been trying to post here more lately. :D I will continue in that valiant effort! Haha.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.