October 2017
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KYLE'S BACK! / spirit connections w Kyle, Hannah, etc / how our connection is helping me grow/learn


There are just no words for how much relief and joy I feel at having Kyle back. Y'all who knew me when Hannah or Aurilion came to visit know how excited I was picking them up at the airport after not seeing them for 3 months (Aurilion) or a YEAR (Hannah) and I was nearly that excited about seeing Kyle after NINE DAYS apart. And I think we talked (mostly on gtalk) for at least three hours every day except for Friday and Saturday... but I crave Kyle's touch all the time, and I crave touching zir, and I crave eye contact and exploring new things with our bodies and energybodies. I now understand why Hannah missed Nick even when ze was with me (which I found upsetting at the time because I was like, "but it's US! how can you miss someone else when filled with THIS magic?") -- and find it flattering that it took a while for the missing to start. I've never lived with someone who was both WIDE FUCKING OPEN and deeply connected on multiple levels before -- I had a little taste of it when I lived at Serendipity and everyone was actively practicing openness, but it's different when it's already habit. I don't think I ever wrote about how Kyle and I connect energetically and I still don't think I'm ready to write about it but it's really insanely intense -- we're even more alike than Hannah and I. And I think it's funny that people probably don't see us as alike (especially because when I'm around Kyle I'm often so enchanted with watching zir interact with people that I'm much quieter than usual) but we are. We just developed opposite coping mechanisms, heh. Kyle and I fit together like Hannah and I but ze inspires me in different ways. Hannah pushes me in compassion and knowledge and creative expression (individual) -- Kyle pushes me in adventure and exploring and creative expression (co-operative). They both push me in openness but in different ways -- Hannah pushes me with questions that help me find hidden areas of myself, and Kyle pushes me with simply living an example of unedited openness (which is the most beautiful thing I can imagine). Not to say that those are totally discrete categories, 'cause I certainly learn all those things from both of them, but those are the ways they lean.

And right now, even with all the fruitfulness of my life (and I feel it is really flourishing), whenever I am not interacting with Kyle I feel like I am waiting for the next interaction. That feels like the greatest 'work' of my life at the moment, and I find that a bit disconcerting. I feel like I'm becoming so quickly -- so quickly! -- but I don't know what. I feel like this awakened seed that started two summers ago is reaching out of the soil for the first time and just curling-unfurling-stretching-dancing into a living being so FAST. I think the part of me that interacting with Kyle nourishes is a part that has never really been nourished before. It's a part that I was trained to see as "bad" -- I was taught to be dependable and stable and give that to anyone who asked, but it's not me to be stable, it really isn't. Dependable is a little more questionable; there are certain things I want people to be able to depend on me for but at the same time I want nothing to be expected, so I don't know. I'm not sure where that one is going to go. There's a certain amount that I THINK has to be unchanging for others to be able to intertwine with, but perhaps not? perhaps it takes dynamic and dynamic to form bonds in the midst of change? and maybe I can keep a part of me not-dynamic without hurting myself? I'm trying to figure that out at the moment. But I feel like connecting with Kyle has nourished the dynamic fearless part of me and I'm actively developing the ability to play without fear of fucking up.

One thing Maggie mentioned about the way Kyle and I interact is that we do things just "in tune" with each other -- if we're cleaning or cooking or just setting something up, we don't bump into each other or have to discuss much, we just act in tandem. I consider this a function of our spirit connection 'cause I've experienced it with everyone else I have spirit connections with; it's just stronger with Kyle and extends past conscious projects to spiritual senses about things. And that? I can't explain directly but I think I can explain sideways by saying that I feel we could share an altar. (which is a new and profound realization)

And I've learned that making personal taboos is not a way I want to try to keep myself on track. I developed a taboo against "being untrue" and instead of helping me be true, it made me afraid to change or explore things that were on the edges of me-ness, because if I accidentally did something that wasn't true to me, that would not be okay. I started realizing this a long time ago when I decided that being a little bit of a hypocrite was important to me, but I didn't realize just how important that is. I've decided that accepting/celebrating imperfection (and calling it hypocrisy to take the sting out of that word) is important to me and something that I will add to my list of core values to make them unabsolute.

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Comments
lorelei_sakti ══╣lucia╠══
it made me afraid to change or explore things that were on the edges of me-ness, because if I accidentally did something that wasn't true to me, that would not be okay

It is so important not to define oneself too narrowly I think. You could miss out on learning something new about yourself! Or miss an opportunity to recreate yourself. :)

It's funny that you prefer the word hypocrisy to imperfection. I think imperfection sounds a lot better than hypocrisy, lol.
frecklestars ══╣love at the beach╠══
I'm glad he's back and that you're as extraordinarily happy as you sound. Seems like it's been a good week for both of us. :P
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.