December 2017
          1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31


depression / failurish in interactions? / agh inability to cope


Since late February and with increasing intensity, I've been depressed (even though some of the most incredible, beautiful, profound moments of my life have occurred since then). It's not been overwhelming every day but it has been there constantly -- this huge weight that I can sometimes carry and sometimes crushes me. I have a lot of wonderful positivity flowing into my life in the form of new friends, new community, Kyle, intensely beautiful spiritual and sexual experiences, and these things bring me out of it, but over the past week I had a breakdown almost every day. Weeping and being unable to eat or even move, fantasizing about self-harm and suicide (though that is not an intent of mine, I find it comforting to think about). And there's not a "good reason" for it (nothing hugely bad has happened) but it's there. I don't really know what to do with it except hope that once I finish the semester I can just rest and let summer heal me. I know that part of it is just school stress accumulating, and financial stress, and part of it is that this time of year is almost always irrationally depressing(though it's usually just the end of February through March and is over by April :-/), and I think perhaps the remainder is chemical. I've had a hard time staying open and connected because I've never had support during a depressive period before and feel afraid to believe in it, but I HAVE stayed open and Kyle's not attacked me for being upset but has listened and given love. I can't even express how much that means to me. A handful of people have given me comfort during single episodes before, but until now I've never had someone walk with me through a period of it.

Perhaps relatedly, I've been feeling very failureish in my interactions with people. I keep feeling like the people I like can't possibly want me. Like the depression, this sometimes overwhelms me and sometimes seems just illogical and obviously wrong. Last night I had this dream that started out beautifully** -- I was having this slow, sweet sexperience with someone that (in waking life) I'm very drawn to, and then the scene shifted and I was with that same person and two others that I also am quite drawn to, but all three of them were distracted with other people and put me off (not rejecting me, but just considering interaction with me to be unimportant). This is the thing that I fear -- not being rejected, but being accepted at arms-length. I fear being tolerated; I want to be desired. I feel like I'm experiencing the same thing I experienced last year with the pagan community -- I'm all excited at finding these awesome new people, but they're used to it, so they're not excited at finding me. This time I'm trying to be more active and reach out so it's working out a bit better but I've always had a hard time integrating into an already-formed group because I worry I'm not wanted, just tolerated, and in such a case my mind says, "stop intruding!" bah.

Part of me feels very... relapse-ish? about this. I'm not used to being unable to cope, nor to feeling pain without a clear cause (which I can then change or accept). I did have one breakdown last November but that only lasted about a week and this is just going onnnn... and then I think I've overcome and BAM there it is again.

**at the beginning of the dream it felt more real than waking. I woke up somewhere in here and I feel like it was after the beautiful part and before the sad part -- I think my depression intervened when I became semi-conscious and then couldn't get back into the first part of the dream. *FURY AT IT*

back to top

Comments
verviana ══╣╠══
Hugs.

The thing I love about you is how starkly honest you are, even when you're in a dark place and feeling uncomfortable with yourself.

You're awesome. You're you. Stay it. And don't feel like you have to push yourself into being happy if you're not feeling it either. Your feelings are there for a reason and once you figure out what it is that you need to feel better, I know you'll be all over it. I have faith in you.
mmmmurgle ══╣╠══
*hugs*
I can definitely empathize with it being far harder to deal with being depressed when you don't have something you can point to and say "that, that's what's wrong." It leaves you with a nasty amorphous feeling, and you have to fight not to stack depression and anger at being on depressed on top of being depressed, despite the fact that if it was someone else you'd tell them that that was ridiculous and they shouldn't beat themselves up.

By "you" I mean "I feel that way," by the way. It's a bad verbal habit. I read a quote recently that all advice is really autobiography, and I agree with that, in both its good and bad aspects.

Anyway. It hurts, and it sucks, but at least for me it's usually meant that I'm either processing growth I've just done or about to start new and exciting growth--and if it was at the point that I could write about it, that was a sign I was on the upward spiral back to balance.

*Hugs* From everything I know and have read of your strength and beauty-of-being, you'll come out of it, and come out better.

As for feeling failure-ish and wanting to be desired, not tolerated...

Thinking about you or seeing you makes my spine melt, and anyone who doesn't see the shining fae warrior fecund glow of your _you_ enough to feel strongly about you and like what they feel is BLIND.
secret_keep ══╣╠══
Re: *hugs*
mmm, I never thought of the words fae warrior together before. I always called Belenen a dragon, or a paladin, but those never quite hit the mark. Fae warrior is exactly right, thank you.
radiantbaby ══╣dr who -- ten/sarah jane | hug╠══
*big empathetic hugs*

Wow, I really could have written this myself. I wish I had some good advice for you, but as I said, I'm in the midst of the same struggles right now. I suppose what I can say is just know that it'll pass and that you have people around you that care for you muchly. It doesn't make the feelings go away, of course, but I know that -- for me at least -- the knowledge of support is a great emotional cushion for when/if you fall.
jupitercornwall ══╣╠══
I know where you're coming from. I've had some real depressive moments over the last 6 months, most of that dealing with personal shit. Our house, in general, has a real "winter blues" that comes over Sarah and Sean. I've had some real stress buildups that come to a head, and then the falling action can be harsh, but relieving. I'm glad you have a support system now, and I'd love to pick each other's brains about experiences and reactions.
jenniology ══╣Hold me╠══
Much empathy from a fellow sufferer here. Although, I'd like to stress, there is never a truly good reason for depression. There are good reasons to feel sad and overwhelmed - but depression is a different creature althogether!
acid_burns ══╣ta/ never was a cornflake girl╠══

I only have hugs to offer. And love. ♥
kiwi ══╣Loves!╠══
Agreed. That's all I have to offer as well, but I'm willing to give it. <3
charlotteattack ══╣╠══
All I can see is a reflection of myself in this post. Many of your words resonate with me deeply. "I fear being tolerated; I want to be desired."
deleon ══╣╠══
That "no good reason" thing, for me, turned out to be Bipolar. You should chart your ups and downs. If there is a pattern, whether in months or hours,of ups and downs, you should really be checked for bipolar. In the meantime, consider some kind of counseling, if you aren't in it already. Please.
hands_cupped ══╣╠══
*offers hugs* I am sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. Depression is so difficult. You mention it might likely be chemical. Do you think part of it might be some sort of rebound effect from having many overwhelming positive experiences in your life recently? Just a wondering thing, not trying to suggest that I know why you're experiencing what you are.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.