November 2017
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love and pain, blocked connections


I'm sad and maybe a little inebriated and I need to talk, TALK. and Kyle has to sleep because ze has school tomorrow and Hannah is :-( in the country! but far away :-( :-( :-( and I'm so sad right now and I feel incapable of talking to anyone else. I'm maybe a little in love and maybe not, I don't know, but I'm very attached to this girl who might not be entirely straight (?) but I don't think sees me "that way." I can't tell, and while I don't mind being passed over if the connection is just not there, right now I feel like it IS but there's this block in the way, this thing that I have no ability to change at all. I feel so confused and I feel sort of stupid for not figuring it out, and inferior/inadequate for not having what it takes.

And the worst bit is this terrible fear I have that I'll never fall in love (mutually) again. I know it's irrational but I don't want something that's fun and easy and sexy, I fucking want that twist in my stomach and that yearning. I want that seeing, that thing where I look at the person and I can see and feel ALL of them and ALL of it makes me ecstatic-scared-hopeful. And I want it both ways. And I don't want it to be only with Kyle and people I can't have -- because of distance or because it's not mutual or because it's too uncomfortable for them. I hate these barriers I HATE THEM. Why are there things in the way of this? Why do I feel this way if it's not fucking real? And if it is real why is it not... THERE? and why am I too scared to ask? and why does it make me so depressed? I mean I have so much, I have deep intense love with someone I connect with spirit-heart-mind-body, I have such amazing friends, but this one loss/lack feels so BAD.

and I miss Hannah so much. :-( Ze's in New York right now and I can't go see zir and that hurts even more than the usual pain of zir being an ocean away. It's been THREE YEARS since I've seen zir, hugged zir, touched zir face, slept cuddled together, laughed out of breath together. and it huuuuuurrrrrts. ohgodithurts, ache ache ACHE :-( :-(

Whenever there's something between me and a connection, I suddenly feel the pain of all my blocked connections. I was talking to Aurilion a few months ago but then ze suddenly told me ze couldn't handle it and cut contact again. Hannah and I keep getting separated by time and schedules. Ava... I still think of zir, I still have no answers. Viv moved to Seattle and we do not connect except in person. My sister is not here. There are others, all so far away. Why is this so hard? It feels like it's only hard for me.

does no one else feel the pull of this magic like I do? is it mild or just NOTREAL for other people? maybe this is why I've been so hopeless-acting. I'm so tired of falling for the wrong people, and not falling for the right ones.

God/dess, my problems are so luxurious, I'm so fucking rich and I'm just complaining about what I DON'T have. But it still hurts so much. owwwwww :-(


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Comments
acid_burns ══╣jc/ under the sheets you're killing me╠══
"... mä oon se pieni hyönteinen, joka napaasi kutittaa..."


It's very hard to tell right from wroong and wrong from right. Although sometimes I'm not even entirely sure there are such things as right and wrong. Just things and people and feelings. And it's gotta hurt a little for things to feel good.

I'm just rambling. Nevermind. I don't know what I'm saying :)

I love you. And things will fall into place. And you should never satisfy for anything less.
jendaby ══╣Soul of Iris╠══
I recognize the feelings you speak of. I have experienced them, and recently (in the past couple of years, even). There's a sort of void when the people you want to be near are out of reach, and a tangible but hard to explain pain when you want to connect with someone to whom you cannot. I get that, and I wish I had the answer.

I can tell you one thing, though: For nearly two decades, I mourned the closeness I'd had with my childhood best friend when she and I lost contact. I did not know why my friend was taken away (I now know it was due to an unexpected pregnancy that was "hushed up" in high school). I tried in vain to fill that void, often blindly trusting people I should not have because I was hurting so much and wanting the connection I'd had with my friend. I briefly connected with the friend two years after the first disappearance, and my friend had gotten married and had another baby. Then the friend's husband murdered the baby and went to prison. I thought my friend was lost to me forever, and i continued the cycle of trusting the wrong people in hopes of having that sort of closeness again.

Then the most amazing thing happened! I was clicking through Facebook one day and realized that my high school class had a page. I began scrolling through the pictures, and there was my friend! We managed to reconnect, and were able to meet over the summer. Although we are apart, being that we live 2000 miles from each other and have very different lives, just knowing that my friend was out there and thinking of me helped to dull the pain and lessen the void.

Perhaps something, such a a physical letter that one of your friends has touched, can help keep that connection alive for you to some extent, and help to make that void less noticeable?

***HUGS***
aliyna ══╣╠══
Okay, this sounds so much like what I was going through last night, I can't even tell you. Something in the stars, lately. Might spur me to write my own post about it, in fact.
camilleyun ══╣╠══
You can always call me if you feel like talking. I will listen. Or you can come visit as well.
dv8dgrrl ══╣╠══
Not sure I fully grok what you are going thru, but I think I get a little bit of it. I am surrounded by so many loving people, but none of them soothe me, right now, the way the people I miss do. Seems my wants are all hours of driving from me and the over the phone or internet thing just isn't enough for my spirit to feel filled.

It feels very much like right now, I don't make sense to myself without the connection I have to these others. Anyway, I am rambling. It is obvious though, from reading thru the above, you have a lot of people who understand where you are right now. I hope that brings you some solace. *hugs*
jupitercornwall ══╣╠══
It's a very real thing, and you aren't alone. I'm sorry you're feeling this lonely in the crowd. I'm around tonight if you want to get away and vent, or need to punch, or want to take over the bathtub and soak.
sidheblessed ══╣Heart conversations╠══
I'm really touched by the sadness of this post. I know how much it must hurt to not be near Hannah. I know when my (now former) best friend moved away, it was like losing a limb. All I wanted was to have zir in the same room as me, to touch zir again. Then when ze finally came back, I couldn't see zir and it HURT. I think it hurts more to miss someone who is close by but still too far, because it's like you almost can reach out and touch them but they're just that little bit too far.

I really hope and pray that you and Hannah can be together again soon. Three years is a long time to be away from someone you love as much I know you and Hannah love each other.

I still think of Ava too and I still feel a hole there where ze should be. It really hurts so much when someone you connect with so well disappears, when there is no obvious reason why.

Honestly, I wish I could hug you in person. *offers virtual hugs*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.