February 2018
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on being [too] sensitive sexually


I'm a very physically/sexually sensitive person. On the positive side, it means that I have orgasms easily and that I can orgasm in several different ways. But on the negative side, it means that I have to communicate a LOT just to make sex not-bad, and for it to be really good the other person has to know me very well or be highly intuitive as well as a good listener.

My legs, hips, back, belly, arms, shoulders, and bum cheeks are not that sensitive. But my genitals, bum crack, inner thighs, breasts (including the space between them), feet, hands, and wrists are all sensitive to the point that touch which is too sudden or too hard is not just unpleasant but painful. The only vibrators I've found that work for me (without a pillow between my crotch and the vibrator) are the kind that have an intensity adjuster, and then I use only the lowest setting, and use pauses to keep it from getting too much, and even then I have one or two layers of cloth between my crotch and the vibe. When I masturbate with fingers I place them to the sides of my clit, never directly on top, and if I stroke inside it's with only one finger (two is usually uncomfortable). I cannot bear up-strokes on my clit (because that pulls back the hood) -- they are PAINFUL and make me want to stop sex. It's very uncomfortable to me to have my breasts pushed down/up/to the sides, and I can only bear nipple pinching after a good amount of stroking first (but I do like it if I get to that point). This is all a lot of information and it's daunting to have to explain all of it, especially when I'll then have to remind them, and the most horrible bit is when they get it exactly right and I get really excited and get much louder and then they go harder because they think that will increase the pleasure when instead it wrecks it. AGH.

Just a few examples of the good side of it -- I've had orgasms from very light strokes over my outer lips through thin fabric, or from having one nipple touched while being kissed, or from being energetically penetrated (no physical stroking of anything). I like that part of it, but it takes a lover who is patient and can find pleasure in touching me carefully.

It makes me feel like there is something wrong with my body and I often want to trade it in for one that's easier -- one where penetration is NOT usually uncomfortable and hard touch is fine anywhere, right away. I can't really imagine what that would be like, but it seems like it would be more fun for others to have sex with. I feel both upset with myself for having such a "difficult" body, and with the world because I'm willing to learn other people's bodies individually and touch them in a way that is pleasurable to them and not just tactile-y pleasurable to me, and I want that in return. I want it to be normal for people to expect to have to learn me, instead of applying the same "moves" to everyone. Not that any recent/current lovers have acted like that -- but others I have wanted to have sex with have (and then I didn't have sex with them, obv), and it feels like a theme because everyone reacts to my sensitivity with such surprise. People express sexual interest in me and I think to myself that they wouldn't enjoy sex that would actually please me -- even if they'd be down with equalist sex, there's THIS to consider. Also I feel like this physical sensitivity makes me seem "not passionate" or "tentative" to others. I like fierceness! I am passionate! I like intense sensation! wanting it lighter in certain places is not about wanting it less intense -- it's about it already BEING intense.

Am I the only one who is this sensitive? Why is it so shocking? sometimes I wonder if other people turn their sensitivity down (as I have done sometimes in order to enjoy sex after I felt like the other person was trying but just not getting it -- it made the sex less pleasurable but it kept it from being uncomfortable). Or maybe it's a spirit-soul-heart-mind-body connection thing. I know I used to be less sensitive in some ways, maybe I'm this sensitive now because I'm fully present. Maybe it's just me and I'll have to resign myself to not having casual sex. That wouldn't crush me but it is a disappointing idea because many people only connect intensely through sex, so it limits me. I could just have one-way sex (where they don't stimulate me) and I do enjoy that a lot but I want to be touched too.

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Comments
jupitercornwall ══╣╠══
There is nothing at all wrong with your body; it just means you play a little differently. Sure, it means a little bit of a learning curve, but that's fine by me :)
brightlotusmoon ══╣╠══
You are not alone. I am so sensitive and receptive that even a shoulder massage makes me quiver and groan. Almost every part of my body can be an erogenous zone!
xochitl ══╣heart╠══
If it's any consolation, a lot of women can't orgasm at all... and heck, I'd love to be able to orgasm from very little touch. There's only really 1 or 2 ways to get me off so it's frustrating if neither one is working. So no, there is definitely nothing wrong with you! :)
phoenixdreaming ══╣╠══
I'm very much on the other end of the sensitivity scale (I'm quite disconnected from my body, something I'm gradually changing), but liked the glimpse of how it is for you. I don't think you sound strange - perhaps not common, but you aren't common - and I hope you'll find many partners who treasure and delight in your sensitivity. People are so /different/, sexually, and it's something that makes sex such an incomparable experience. I don't speak from much experience, but each person I've slept with I've needed to learn just what makes /them/ feel good (I've never yet felt I knew enough while we were together! I replay things in my head and daydream about how it could have gone better - not in a repentant way, in a loving way. It's a shame you can't usually go to exes and say "let's have some great sex with the benefit of hindsight!". Well. Depends on the exes.)

I'd share a couple of anecdotes but I feel the eyes of google watching in a public entry. :)
aerialmelodies ══╣Milky Way╠══
You are certainly not alone; we're very much alike in this respect.
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
Just wow... your openess always amazes me.

I've always wanted to know how people can have various sex partners. (I'm not talking about threesomes, etc) But I believe it comes with the fact that you are poly. So that leads to another question... how can you handle being in love with more than one person without feeling overwhelmed and stretched thin? From my experience I've felt that being in a deep relationship with just one person took a lot of my time (not in a bad way), but I just couldn't imagine focusing on splitting that time with someone else on THAT level (which doesn't imply that you couldn't be capable either, just how does it work for you?)

I'm sure you have written about it in a previous post, perhaps you can point me in the right direction. I have not been in LJ world for about 8 months so forgive me with my mass posts!
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
Now to respond to your question in your post...

I used to be sensitive when I first started being sexual. However, I've become desensitized. It takes awhile for me to come OR perhaps the last couple of partners I had just weren't "hittin it" right. hehe Yet despite the lack of sensitivity and/or lack of proper technique, I still am very much into the whole sensuality of sex which is my favorite part of the experience as to date. I love being playful. However, I feel like "a man" because once I do come, I tend to roll over and call it a night. hahaha! :P

I'll be the first to admit that I don't have a lot of experience cause I haven't had many partners, so all this comes with a limited scope of practice. Also I haven't had a mind-body-soul experience with sex, unfortunately... sigh. SO perhaps when I do, I"ll become more sensitive? If I do I will let you know. Also I've become more and more communicative with each partner, which hasn't changed my sensitivity level but has made sex more playful if anything. I definitely have a ways to go with the whole sex thing. That I know for sure.

on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.