December 2017
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my soul-heart-spirit garden / Aurilion, loss, Hannah, reconnection? longing


There are so many withered spots in the garden of my soul-heart-spirit, but I refuse to plow them under and pass them on to a new tender, because I love those plants, even if it hurts to watch them wilt. And I can always open new plots when I meet new people who say they want to tend one, or when I find new projects to plant on my own... But when I have no new plots to explore then I wander among the old ones. All of them have some spots of green, a tree here or there that was old enough when they left to be okay left alone. But there is so much wilt, and I miss the bustle of activity. I can't ever forget that patch of lavender or that bird of paradise cluster, but I also can't bring them back. Sometimes I can do the upkeep alone for a time but I always run out of water and fertilizer, and end up tending only the plots of my own creation, and the ones where I have helpers.

I'm realizing how much it hurts to stay open to people who love me, but can't invest time/energy/presence/communication in me. I refuse to react by closing off; for now (and intended for always), if any person I have a connection with comes back into my life they will be welcomed. But it fucking HURT this time when Aurilion cut contact, because I really believed it would be different. I'm mourning the loss of Aurilion; I expect this break to last a very long time. I'm tentatively connecting with Hannah now, and I'm afraid to believe in it because what if something happens and ze disappears? There will be nothing I can do about it. But maybe just maybe it will be a true renewal, not a single dash of water thrown over the hedge.

Something I wrote Hannah tonight: "After you came back [...] I couldn't recognize you in photos and it made me feel horribly separated from you. I couldn't tell if it was just because you physically looked different or if you had changed more fundamentally, and it scared me. And I didn't recognize the path you were taking and I felt like it was so hard to get to communicate with you, and I got scared when it didn't feel the same when we skyped either [...] I saw that photo of you hugging Ara and I realized that it was partly a physical thing but more than that it was that the "real you" was layered under in the less recent photos. I looked into your eyes in that picture and I could feel you again, and it felt like I was sitting across from you..."

Every day that passes without seeing Hannah in person is a little more heartbreak. It's been 4 years (FOUR YEARS), 3 months, and 17 days. That is just wrong. I put it out of my mind but it hurts quietly in the background, constantly. When we were closest we saw each other every year, and it was hard to wait in those between-times. *deep sigh*


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.