July 2017
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starting an amazing open&honest friendship with Topaz


So I have a new friendship that I am incredibly excited and happy about! I haven't been this excited about a new friendship since Hannah and I first started talking -- and if you've known me a long time or read back into my journal you know how big of a deal that is. I've tried to create close friendships nearby for a long time with little success, mostly because the people I tried it with either weren't interested in the amount of closeness I wanted or they were too busy (the latter more often). With my romantic relationships, I would say that I am very close with Kylei but my other connections are sporadic -- not for lack of interest but for lack of time, neurological difficulties, and/or lack of skill at reaching out. I've come to a level of acceptance of that; either things will change in my lovers' lives that will enable them to build that kind of thing with me, or they won't; either way I want them in my life to some extent. But this means that there is just not much deep connection in my life on a daily basis, or that there wasn't; and that is painful for me because I really crave close connection with multiple people for emotional and/or spiritual intimacy.

So about three weeks ago I posted loss and longing and lacking nourishment and Topaz messaged me on facebook about being open and how it fucking hurts, and I wrote back and the exchange was really honest and open and we met up for coffee the next day and talked lots and since then have hung out really often and look at this excitable run-on sentence *giggles* I admire zir so much and it feels so incredibly good to be around someone who is so curious (Godde I missed that!) and so open and so truth-focused and unflinchingly idealistic and dedicated to zir art. Also ze gives amazing hugs. And I feel like ze's living out loud and I just adore everything I know about zir.

Also, last week I had a day where I was dealing with feeling unappreciated/unwanted by some people who are really important to me, and I was upset to the point that I was crying while walking between classes. I tweeted about it and Topaz texted me asking if I wanted a hug; I said yes (thinking ze was on campus) and ze came to campus just to give me a hug. I don't think I've ever had someone go out of their way like that for me for such a small thing, and it meant the world to me. I shared what was bothering me and ze took it in and empathized, and it was so exactly what I needed.

Then last Saturday we (Topaz, Kylei, and I) went to watch the meteor shower, and I felt strange the whole time, but didn't realize why until I left; I felt disconnected from Topaz for the first time since we'd started spending time together. So once I got home I texted asking if ze had felt that and if I had caused it somehow, and we had a pretty intense conversation that ended in us sharing that we both want to actively cultivate openness&honesty with each other. I was super nervous starting that conversation because it's "weird" to care about things like this with friends, but I decided to do it anyway because we'd started out open, dammit, and if I was feeling it I wanted to be able to share it. I am really glad that I did.

The timing and creation of this is so delicately strung together -- I wasn't intended to be at the event where I met zir, but I tagged along with some friends; I didn't really talk with zir directly at the event but memorized zir name and decided to add zir on facebook anyway because ze seemed awesome (and I coached myself, like I do: "if ze thinks this is too weird, ze wouldn't be a good choice for a friend anyway"); ze messaged me out of nowhere; I followed up with actual plans... and this is zir last semester at my school. It would have been SO EASY for that first event to never happen, or for any of the things to have dissolved. I feel so fucking happy that everything wove together for now. Just a little while after we started hanging out (I think it was after our nine-and-a-half hour conversation that felt like half that time) I remember telling Kylei that I felt confident that our friendship will last. And I am, but at the same time I'm nervous because there are elements that I worry could break things; it's a strange combination of certainty and insecurity.

*deep happy sigh*


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.