July 2017
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intensely deep connection and love with Topaz


I have no idea how to sum up everything that has developed in my connection with Topaz in these last 10 days (ten days what the fuck!) but I'm gonna give it a shot. We first cuddled last Wednesday and it was AMAZING, so incredibly focused and present and intense and perfect, and I learned that ze was not monogamous (:D). Thursday morning I crashed HARD and realized that I hadn't felt more nourished than spent in at least five months, which made me realize I needed to restructure my relationships. Then I wrote a poem about zir and shared it with zir and we talked lots of wordmeaningmagic and then ze asked me how I understand the word love and we meta'd our way into love confessions <3 and then Friday and Saturday nights we had long phone conversations about the shifts in my other relationships and about life, the universe, and everything. Then Monday I reached out to zir when I was feeling shitty and ze was there for me. Then Tuesday!!! Ze came over! and we beamed at each other a lot and had amazing cuddles and I told zir that I wanted to kiss zir and ze said ze wanted to kiss me too but was nervous about it because it would mean intensification of already strong feelings. I told zir that I was totally sure I wanted to kiss zir so whenever ze was ready, to just go for it. Then there were AGES while ze worked up the courage, kissing my cheeks and touching my face and lips (fucking delicious torture), and finally ze kissed me and that turned into fucking mindblowing sex. I think what made it so intense was that it was the first time but it flowed so easily and sincerely without me feeling any insecurity or needing to guard my boundaries; I felt safe that ze would be present and deliberate with me, and I also felt zir wanting me and felt confident that my touch was being noticed and appreciated, and ze didn't get bothered by my billionty consent questions. Ze spent the night and we cuddle-slept and it was comfortable and cozy and so connected. Then Wednesday ze went to the Halloween ritual that N/A* hosted and we intended to part ways after but ze decided to come home with me <3 and we had more cuddles and talking and things started getting sexual and I interrupted to have the STI conversation (our previous sex was physically indirect), fretting that it would break the mood but it didn't (though it was zir first time having that conversation, which made it new and awkwarder than usual), and afterward we had intense sex and ze slept over and took me to school the next day (because my car stopped working on Wed) and we met up afterward and came back to my place and we drank rum together and played drums together (!!!!!!!!), and talked lots and lots and then eventually we went to bed and had an intense breaking-bonding experience that I want to talk about in more detail because it was really important.

We were kissing and it started turning sexual and I started feeling bad emotionally, but I wanted to have sex since it had been so amazingly connecting before so I ignored it until it felt so horrible I had to stop, and I just started crying. I had started feeling like ze was just interacting with me as a body and not as a person (which is a thing I have experienced with several people before). When I talked about that, ze said that ze sees me as a person and loves me anyway and will want to be just as close if we never have sex again (which was something I needed to hear). I stumblingly talked about it and about how I've been feeling unable to keep any of my happiness, how it feels like I'm broken, like my brain just won't work right, and that I'll feel a loss of connection and suddenly have no faith in life or love and want to stop existing. I felt SO awful, so irreparably broken, like I'd never be able to really connect with anyone ever again, that it was all going to be tiny moments of hope followed by self-hating despair and no living threads between me and others. Ze cried with me and hugged me and apologized a lot and said that ze had disconnected (because ze was feeling afraid of the intensity of us-ness), which made me feel like it wasn't just me being fucked up and hopeless, and we talked about connection and how we wanted to stay connected, and we clung to each other and the connection opened up again and then we had intense sex that was a world of itself. I got a string of pretty bruises and ze got more :D I also realized afterward that I had felt that sudden shocking pain before: the first time that Hannah disconnected while in my presence. And I realized I need to be more careful with listening to myself about connection because the building suffering is not nearly as bad as the breaking point, and I need to avoid that fucking breaking point.

Then Friday ze came over for intimacy practice (zir first) and stayed over and I talked with zir about energy play and my transness (which I still haven't written about, argh, it's scary, but I did out myself at TBC! baby steps!) and about spirit shapes and it was a lot of exposure but ze was very open to it so it felt good to share. Today we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant ever and talked lots about plants, faith, and spirituality... and I feel hope that I will be able to connect with zir on that <3

I feel really intensely, safely connected to Topaz; I feel nourished by how ze touches me (ze initiates often and is fully present, and gives energy in the touch) and how ze shares with me (ze initiates contact a significant amount, something I've been super-craving) and how ze listens and sees me and how willing ze is to grow and and and and. I feel as one with Topaz as I've ever felt with anyone. I feel no real fear (occasional worry without real fear behind it: I feel intuitively that once we talk about it I'll feel okay, about everything). I feel so compatible and it feels so natural. It's been 30 days, but some of my oldest relationships never had this sense of confident foreverness. I'm so excited about this unfurling shared adventure.

in a slow-flowing stream I'm a rock
you're a leaf, tucked close,
water pressing around

a tree waves branches in the wind
your glances are the light-shadows
flickering beneath

a cave of stillness, waiting
I speak and it echoes clear, clean;
resonance.


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Comments
shioneh ══╣hannah loves bel!╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.