December 2017
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tons of time w Topaz / handling conflict / how ze grows / empathetic oneness / alchemical shifting


Other than homework my life has been filled to the brim with Topaz. I just came home tonight after spending probably two weeks or more at zir place (stopping by home occasionally to get things). I think we have spent one or MAYBE two nights apart since I got back from TBC, either at my place or at zirs, and this doesn't feel like too much. Partly we can spend time together while doing other things, partly we just miss each other when we're apart. The other people I have been comfortable spending this much time with from the beginning are Hannah and Kylei, but even with them I needed more breaks because we would have painful conflict more often. Topaz and I have had some painful conflicts but it's rarer and healing them is less draining. I don't know how to explain, exactly... We had this one conflict where I was being careless with my response to something that was very important to Topaz, and it hurt zir, and we thought we had this fundamental philosophical difference, which we didn't (we use opposite words to mean the same things in some ways), and the logical part was pretty quickly mended but then the feelings had to catch up, and afterward I felt tired but I didn't feel drained. That was our first real conflict and we have gotten better at it since, I feel. And starting out from "pretty good" conflict and rapidly improving is amazing.

also amazing to me is the way Topaz grows. Ze is very open but also new to sharing on the level that I practice, so it can be difficult for zir to answer when I ask what ze is thinking or feeling. But ze tries very hard (to the point of sometimes getting upset with zirself over lack of perfection) and it's amazing how quickly ze's growing in this area. I've been close with many people who had difficulty with this and usually the progress is very slow, so that contributes to my amazement. I don't remember the timeline of my own growth but I don't imagine that it was so fast, either.

There's also supremely amazing sex; I want to write about that but it will need to be locked. I'll just say that I am trying all kinds of delightful new things and that my flexibility and strength is improving markedly ;-)

We speak the same language and it is incredibly easy to feel our agreement or lack thereof... usually if I say some complex feeling or belief and someone else says "me too" I feel compelled to ask, "how so?" partly to clarify and partly to see if it is truly 90-100% shared or if it is just 51%(+) shared. With Topaz I can just tell, and it is often 90-100% shared and when it is not I ask for elaboration.

We are emotively sensitive to each other -- there was a time this past week where I went into distraction-mode and was more distant from Topaz and it was mild yet ze noticed and cared enough to ask me about it. I have NEVER had that happen before; I almost always notice before the other person, and the few times that hasn't been true it has been a pretty intense distance. Also there are occasional freaky moments where I wonder if I have said something I was thinking out loud because Topaz heard it and responded -- but I did not say anything. And we feel each other's emotions and influences.

The strange thing is that being with Topaz feels like it has changed the current of my life in an alchemical way; I feel constantly as though I might be dreaming. I have pinched myself every day, it seems. I don't know what this means, and it's not really that physically evident but it is intensely mentally different. I am adjusting, slowly, and I hope to be finding some sort of comfort with the shift soon; it feels amazing, but also like I am out of my depth. I am so used to being able to touch bottom and even though I am enjoying the freedom to dive and spin, it's also disorienting. I look back at my life and I just don't feel like the same person. I want to get to an equilibrium of change so that I can say "okay, I am this person now" because right now I change so intensely in such an unconscious way, every day, that I cannot say who I was yesterday or who I will be tomorrow. I know that I will be in school for the next year at least, and that I will be working with N/A*, but everything else is not just unpredictable but unfathomable in a whole new way.

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Comments
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
This *does* all sound related to the Saturn return! I feel excited for you :)
shioneh ══╣hannah loves bel!╠══
Oh Bel :) *wordless happy* Seems a meant-to-be shift. I think about you and Topaz very regularly. You two are special together, I see it :) This post made me very happy.
lilywolfsolomon ══╣╠══
This has happened to me a lot over the years, where it feels like there's some fundamental philosophical difference that can't be bridged, and intuitively I know it's not true, that it's a barrier of language -- that if we could only feel into the other's experience, we'd know there's nothing to be threatened by -- but I just don't know if the language is capable of bridging the gap. Language has such different associations for all of us... communication can be hard... I'd love to find some tools fo consciously working through when this happens.

It's so good to ask the question, "How so?"

on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.