December 2017
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depression, stopped caring about people & life / state of my relationships w Topaz, Kylei, friends


I haven't written in months because I've been dealing with a depression that is unlike any I've felt before. It started a while ago, not sure how long, but it hit hard with the new year and since then I've had a deep-weeping breakdown at least 8 times and have cried almost every day. It has been an absolutely epic struggle to motivate to do anything at all. I wrote this on January 2nd and it's been something I've felt ever since:

"People have been my reason for living for such a long time and now I just don't care about them. I don't know what direction to take my life now. I'm so frustrated with everyone and want to dump everyone out of my life except for Topaz. I've never experienced this before. What is the point of life if I don't give a shit about people? Is there anything that could even form a focus like that? Is this a symptom of depression? Have I gone too far in centering my life around people and am I now experiencing a backswing? Is there a way to reconnect with caring about them and should I try? Should I take a break from everyone? I don't remember what I centered around before this. Anger? Music? Escaping in books?"

Today I finally managed to message someone in the counseling center at my school about getting an appointment. This feels like a chemical problem in my brain because I haven't suffered any recent trauma and life has been easier than usual, not harder, but it feels near-impossible levels of difficult. I kept hoping it would just stop happening but it hasn't. I can't CARE. Finishing my degree seems pointless because I don't care about the people I could help. I don't feel like people are real (except Topaz). I don't feel like I can invest in a reality that I don't belong to. It's like watching TV; the idea of trying to help those people seems ridiculous because they are only illusions. I don't know why I keep living. I feel like I am waiting for something but I have no idea what and I can't think of anything to look forward to in the future. What the fuck. I feel like someone turned my hope off. The only thing that gives me any sense of hope is the idea of seeing Hannah again, but I know how fucking unlikely that is.

It's pretty weird to be experiencing this at the same time as being deeply in love. I feel so guilty and shitty for being this version of myself, weepy and useless and easy to upset and unable to give much. Topaz deserves the best version of me and I'm pretty sure this is the worst.

So one thing I wanted to start doing that I'm going to do right here and now while I have some motivation is to write monthly about the state of my relationships. I keep going off the rails with things and I want to get long-range views on my relationships before they go to shit.

With Kylei, things are very uncomfortable. We had coffee sometime in January and it seemed good. I felt like we were going to be able to start a fresh way of relating. But then at my birthday gather, after most of the evening had passed, Kylei told me that ze felt like I had been ignoring zir and like I hated zir. I had been just as friendly and interactive with zir as with anyone else (except Topaz), but it seemed very different to zir. I think that is because Kylei is not used to not being my lover, and still has expectations of what our interactions should be like. I do not want that. I don't want to give Kylei attention just because ze wants or expects it or will be unhappy without it. I want to be free to interact as little or as much as I want (but not more than ze wants obv). I can't even connect with affection for Kylei when I'm doing work just to keep Kylei from feeling bad. That's clumsy phrasing but I don't know how to explain it really. I don't want to be needed, I don't want my attention to be needed. There was an imbalance with us and Kylei was depending on me to have zir needs met and seems to still be in that habit. It's incredibly uncomfortable for me to not be able to make eye contact, but except for that coffee in January I haven't been able to handle eye contact with Kylei because it feels like ze's trying to pull something from me. I don't think there is any conscious attempt to do that but I also don't think that habit has been broken.

Relatedly I think that a lot of people who I thought were friends with me were really friends with me through Kylei. Either that or they've gotten tired of me not going to events and have given up on me. It's disappointing but if that's the case, oh well. I've been surprised and touched by those who have stayed in contact and come to my gathers since then.

With Topaz, things are so intense. I've never before gone in to a relationship with so little potential for shared life goals, and that sometimes scares me, but the fact that I can't picture the future doesn't mean that there is none. I fear that when zir career takes off and we're not spending so much time together, I will no longer be happy having no other partners and I fear that if I have other partners, Topaz will invest less in me. But that's a matter of trust, really. I would have trusted Hannah and I don't know why it is so hard for me to trust Topaz. I think I have a hard time believing that our us-ness is as important to Topaz as it is to me. Maybe that's just a function of this depression, maybe it's because we don't have the same safety net of commitment, probably it's both. Maybe it's because we've had so little time apart. I know it is deeply affected by the depression because when I think about it, I know factually that Topaz values me. I've seen the relief in zir when we reconnect, I've seen evidence of zir thinking about me (because of thoughtful gifts and actions), I've seen zir make efforts to understand me and communicate with me in ways that are new to zir. Most of all I have felt it in the way ze touches me; energy flows to me, not just from me. And I've felt it in the way ze responds to my touch -- ze opens up and gives back (to differing degrees, but there's never just a wall).

With Abby and Adi, I feel like we're maintaining a slim connection and I'd like it to be stronger but I don't have the energy to make it so and they don't either. I feel like I'm developing friendships with some of Topaz' friends who spend a lot of time at Topaz' house (where I have been unofficially living since December, while paying rent elsewhere) -- I'm hoping that they'll be friendships that can stand on their own. I feel like my relationship with N/A* is suffering because I'm just not being as invested in it, mostly because of the depression and a little because I feel like individuals in the group don't want to invest in me, and that makes it harder to motivate myself to be involved.

I really really hope I can get some help for this brainbrokenness, because I'm spending all the energy I receive on surviving and that is such a waste.


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Comments
nowiamsix ══╣╠══
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
I know this wasn't addressed to me, but I want to try to answer it because I identified with Bel in that line.

What separates an uncomfortable "need" from a comfortable "need" is that it's comfortable to feel that someone is with me because being with me makes them happier than they would otherwise be, not because being without me sends them into a terrible crisis. If I feel comfortably needed by someone, then I realize that if I were to dump that person, that person would be very upset and miserable at first, because breakups always tend to make people very upset and miserable at first, but I also realize that the person is also perfectly capable of recovering from that after a reasonable length of time and moving on with their life in an emotionally healthy way. If I feel uncomfortably needed by someone, I'm not so sure whether the person is emotionally healthy enough to be able to take care of themself on their own without me constantly looking out for their needs.

The specific things that someone could do to stop me from feeling uncomfortably needed by them would be to not rely on me to regularly rescue them from crises. The person should develop a sufficient support network so that when a crisis occurs, the person has multiple people supporting them and I don't feel obligated to always be the one helping out with a particular crisis. Unfortunately, developing a sufficient support network can be awfully difficult. However, if the person does actually have a sufficient support network and I just don't realize that, then the person should talk to me about feeling grateful for how much the various other people have helped and are helping, and the person should pay attention to when I don't feel I have enough energy to spare to help with a particular crisis, and the person should avoid turning to me for help when I'm feeling too exhausted to do a good job of helping.
nowiamsix ══╣╠══
I actually really appreciate this comment. It did help to answer some of the questions that I have.

I suspect that a majority of the issues between myself and this person are rooted in my generalized anxiety, but this is a great place to start. Thank you for responding. :)
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
You're very welcome! I appreciate the fact that you care about trying to improve the situation.
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
"I'm so frustrated with everyone and want to dump everyone out of my life except for Topaz."

I think you should do that.

I don't know whether you'll need to dump them permanently or not, but I think that as much as possible, you should avoid being around them for as long as you don't feel able to care about them. Surely it can't be good either for them or for you that you continue to be around them when you feel completely indifferent to them. Can it?

My guess would be that some people probably do need to be dumped permanently from your life, but it doesn't sound like you're in a healthy place for making that type of decision right now. So I think you should focus on separating yourself temporarily, and let the longer-term situation sort itself out more gradually.
sabr ══╣canine : zella'nar╠══
I have been there - so drained for so long.

Freefalling towards the bottom, it doesn't always get gradually worse. Free falling with 5 miles to go and free falling with 5 yards to go are essentially the same if you don't know to look down.

The best thing that you can probably do for yourself is to disconnect - you HAVE to be able to put positive energy into saving yourself in order to ever be able to substantially help anyone else. You are your own most valuable resource.

Your connections with that group of people may never be the same after the disconnect, but if you cant get back to the point of caring, it won't matter. You have to put yourself first - I know that sounds selfish, but it's selfish to allow such a unique, valuable, irreplaceable resource to be depleted from negligence.
aliyna ══╣Moth╠══
A driveby because I can't sit down and read all of this right now but I want to very much; in the mean time, go down to the pharmacy- CVS, Walgreens, Rite Aid, whatever's near- and pick up some 5-HTP and St. John's Wort, you can find them in the vitamins/supplements aisle. They're cheap, $20 will get you both for a month, and they might help DRASTICALLY. I started taking them two days ago and it's been a lot like letting go of a boulder. (I don't do big pharma, so this was my compromise to myself.) I don't promise they'll work for you, sometimes they don't, but it worked tremendously for me and that's amazing. It might cut a slice of light open so that you can see your way out of your dark space. Also, read Eat, Pray, Love if you haven't yet. Last year that book practically saved my life. If you haven't already joined Audible.com for Audiobooks, when you join they give you a free one, so you could download that (that's what I did!) And just lay and listen to it. ♥
isarma ══╣╠══
I keep failing at LJ. I'm truly sorry you're having a rough time.
frecklestars ══╣girl love warrior╠══
Sorry to hear life's been rough on you lately. <3 I think that, if it's in the name of self-care, you can and should dump everyone in your life who isn't making you feel better. (Though some small part of me wonders whether that isn't the depression talking. Not to invalidate your feelings, but just to point it out that depression, at least the types I've seen, often manifests as a need for radical change that may not actually be the best course of action.)

I know _exactly_ what you mean about wanting not to be needed. It made me think of this Amanda Palmer song: http://www.youtube.com/embed/3UYEZnhnVCg

Anyway. I hope you get to feeling better. You can always text me. <3 Or catch me on g-chat. Anytime.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.