July 2017
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slowly healing depression / living alone / spiritual growth - taking the lead, allowing judgement


It's been about six weeks on citalopram and I feel like I'm slowly healing. I have only had one spiral-into-weepy-self-hate in the past two weeks, which is such an improvement. I feel like I need at least a few months on this to get to the point where I actually have more energy than enough to rest and heal, but I'm starting to feel hopeful that the depression will not take up the rest of my life. I feel like I might get to a point of happiness and self-motivation again, instead of being pushed by guilt-avoidance and pain-avoidance. I feel like I understand what happened; I got stuck in a pattern of spending every bit of my energy every day and not self-caring, and it was not just psychological energy I was using but physical and emotional and spiritual as well. I had nothing left, and my brain went into starvation-mode and trapped all the serotonin every day, so even when good things happened I couldn't spend that positive energy. I'm hoping this SSRI will retrain my brain. I have no idea if that makes any scientific sense, obv, it's just my feeling about it. I feel like I've learned my lesson and won't be spending my energy like that again. No more playing the knight, Belenen, I mean it. If you're gonna give support, do so with at least as much space apart and regularly check in on your own self, because these past three months you were at your most useless ever and if you don't want to be a fucking lump again then PAY ATTENTION TO WHERE YOUR ENERGY IS GOING.

Living alone is so good for me right now. I miss Topaz intensely when I am trying to fall asleep (we sleep cuddled up and it's so sweet and nourishing and comfortable) but other than that it feels amazing to just exist, without considering anyone else, for a significant period of time. If I ever live with other people again, I will make sure that it is like the Maxwell house, with at least three people, at least one non-lover on the same level of the house and physical separation of my room, so that I don't feel obligated to interact. Now that I've learned that my favorite people will still visit me way out here, I probably will stay for as long as I can do so cheaply and with no housemates. I want to tend the land here and fill this house with enchantments. The initial cleansing ritual was very effective but the house hasn't reached equilibrium yet -- the living room and my room are filled with good energy but there are three rooms that I just keep closed off because they still have residue. Oh, and the initial ritual was this: We split up, one person in each room (or area) and did four five-second screams (breaking up bad/stale energy), one at each direction (N,E,S,W), with the scream starting with me. Then we gathered and had a spiral hug in each room, after which we threw the positive energy from it around before moving to the next one. I filled the house with burning myrrh, and people wrote positive words/drawings on the walls in chalk. I haven't had the energy to do more work solo, but I hope to do that soon (last week was finals so this is my first true resting day in a long time). I never would have thought I'd be living here again or that I could even make it livable but it's actually nourishing now.

I feel like living alone also makes me realize things that I don't if I'm constantly overlapping energy with other people. I can feel my own self more. And I can hear the trees here when they whisper and maybe when this depression is gone I'll be able to feel rooted with them. And for whatever reason I feel empowered to take control of my spirituality for the first time maybe ever -- I think I needed to break from the idea of being led (or accompanied) and holy fuck did that take a long time. I think that being unable to believe in the reality of anything at all for a few months helped me feel it was possible to make those subconscious breaks, heh. I don't need someone else to validate my experience, to tell me that I'm doing the right thing or that what I feel is real. I can validate my own self. I can believe whatever I damn well please; if it's real to me, it's real in the only way that matters. I need to quit with the disclaimers that I use to deflect scorn from my "woo-woo hippy-dippy shit." Instead of being like "well there's this thing that I sorta kinda feel might be true but it might also be wrong and I don't know" I need to be like "this is what is true for me." I need to just do it, then deal with any judgement that might follow so that the fear of that judgement goes away. Hiding NEVER removes fear. Hiding NEVER EVER removes fear. (got that, self?) And that fear is blocking me from having the kind of experiences I want to have, from seeing things truly. I close my eyes to things because I don't want to experience what I cannot share and I don't share things that I fear people will roll their eyes at or worse, silently think me illogical/irrational. FUCK THAT. I don't want to live my life giving everyone I meet the power to shut me up by allowing them to rate my rationality or logic. I learned to dismantle those judgements regarding my socially unacceptable appearance and I need to learn it for my socially unacceptable thinking/philosophy/spirituality. Also I don't want to block myself from shared experience because I don't trust people to treat me honestly and respectfully at the same time. I must allow the possibility of judgement to allow the possibility of understanding and consonance.


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camilleyun ══╣╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.