October 2017
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prompts 19, 20: who I ask for help/advice / how I need to grow in relationships


rmpenguino gave me this prompt: When you are in trouble, whom do you call for help? Who do you trust to advise or talk to you in ways that most feel like your own voice?

Who I call for help depends on the kind of trouble I'm in. If I am very sad or in a panic I call Topaz, because usually what I need to feel better is cuddles and ze's SO good at that and is willing to come take care of me if I am in need and ze is at all capable (which ze usually is). But mostly I deal with trouble on my own, I'd say. I write, to understand myself, and I ask for comfort if I need it, and I seek the things that bring me joy.

I don't like advice, 99.999% of the time. I like people to ask me questions to help me think more deeply and figure stuff out, but I want to figure it out myself. When I write about frustrations here, I welcome feedback but not "here's what you should do" instead "here's what I would do" or "what do you think about this?" The people who I trust to give me respectful feedback are intimacy practice people, ex-lovers, and long-time LJ friends. I feel I could reach to any of them, and if they were capable at that moment they would give to me whatever I needed.

blimeyzawn1 asked What are the things in your friendships and romantic relationships that you feel you most need to improve?

This sort of ties in to my answer about the most important thing I recently learned: I need to improve my unprompted real-time openness skill. I also need to get into a habit of checking regularly to see if there is any behavior I am interpreting to have only one possible meaning. And I need to get in the habit of avoiding 'slush time' (time spent with a lover doing things that aren't really nourishing) because it's not good for me but it's such an easy habit to fall into (I've been much better about it lately but it's not habit yet). Another thing I don't necessarily feel I need to improve, but I WANT to improve, is my active building one-on-one. It's tiring for me so I tend to put off and forget about it but there are friends who I value dearly who I've never had a one-on-one conversation with (like you, until last week!). So I'm working to do that once a week, and reach out to someone other than Topaz once a day, because I want to invest more in active building of my connections.

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Comments
wildrose ══╣╠══
bunnika ══╣bunny: roar╠══
Advice never quite settles well for me, either. Like you, I don't mind hearing what people would themselves do, but I don't feel like anyone is qualified to make decisions about what someone else should do.

I spent a long time making very poor decisions. And I can recognize them now as poor decisions, but at the time I was doing what I needed to survive. And no one else knew the extent to which that was true, so advice always rang false, because it was too alien from my reality.

I'll try very hard to never give you advice. It's the sort of thing that should be respected.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.