July 2017
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the latest breakup with Aurilion: no longer holding space / using intuition energy
When Aurilion (nosswhispers) and I first met and I opened to our connection, it fell apart very quickly after because ze was in a relationship with people who were angry at or disliked me. I was extremely sad about that because I thought it was forever. The second time was after we'd been dating for a year and a half and that one was very sad mostly because ze didn't keep promises ze'd made, and I felt adrift in the change of that ending and a great loss of the deeper connectedness I had wished for. After that we were on-again-off-again for years, and each time Aurilion cut contact I felt pretty sure that ze would eventually get back in contact. I felt sad for the time that we would not get to share, but I didn't feel loss really.

This time is so different. I don't feel loss and I don't feel sad. I feel a kind of relief and this bouncing-back energy. I've had that before when I was in relationships that were taking more energy than they were replenishing. This time I think it is connected to the holding space that I was doing; maintaining a space for Aurilion to fill whenever ze decided to. I spent lots of energy on that, small amounts continuously, and had never stopped since the third time we got together (don't remember when that was but it was years ago). Now I've reclaimed that space and closed that door. A new space would have to be created if Aurilion decides at some point to rebuild.

I went to one of my favorite forests today (which is a huge victory by itself because I overcame my ADD-PI alone!) and I felt my intuition all lit up. There were moments where I stopped and was still because the forest told me to, and I asked questions and the forest answered me, and I wandered a new path, pulled along by the spirit of the place. I felt more centered and aware than I have in a long time, and I think that is because I was using intuition energy to hold that space for Aurilion, because ze was such an important teacher to me with that. I am glad to have that energy back to use in any way that appeals to me.


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.