December 2017
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school stressss terrible day / recent discussions w topaz about exercise shame and sex worries


Today was incredibly horribly stressful. First I couldn't fall asleep because I was anxious about the day ahead so I only got 4 hours sleep, then I had to wear a feminine-professional costume for the poster presentation which I felt woefully underprepared for because I just had no idea what to expect, then a final exam immediately afterwards, then stressing out because I felt an urgent need to finish off my take-home final exam and send it off so it would stop hanging over my head- - but I couldn't get the program to work on topaz' computer so I had to go back to school and of course the computer lab I usually use was closed so I had to go to the library where the first computer just didn't work and the second one froze my hands off (it's right under the air vent). I finally got that done and wanted to reward/calm myself so I went to an indie coffeehouse near my school and got a latte which turned out to be SO CRAP I couldn't drink it (and I will drink mediocre lattes because I hate to waste). Then, massive headache partly from not having eaten before 8:30pm after being awake since 7am and partly from no caffeine since I couldn't drink the crap latte! ARGH!  Also that coffeehouse is on my shit list for only hiring young white guys.

But I got to play and cuddle with topaz, making ridiculously silly crude jokes and laughing a lot. We feel back in sync.  We had an intense conversation the other night about exercise shame and some recurring insecurities about sex.

Shame is a very rare emotion for me: if you walked in on me masturbating or pooping I'd just ask you to leave and I wouldn't even think about it later. I've had sex in front of lots of strangers without a blush and I'm naked on the internet. There's really only one thing that makes me feel shame and it's exercise. I never used to feel this way, because even though I have never been thin I used to be very fit. I'm not fit right now and showing that to another person makes me feel the most intense shame. It's like I felt confident and fuck-you about my fatness when I was also fit, but now my confidence is fragile and I have no armour to protect me from judgement. I didn't even realize my fitness gave me that armour until it was gone. Now I really want to build my core strength and get my stamina back, but I'm so limited because it's boring to do alone and I feel incapable of doing it with someone else due to the shame. I talked about this with Topaz and told zir that I want zir to encourage me, invite me to join zir, and reassure me that ze doesn't find me gross when I exercise.  Ze was happy to offer those things.

The worries about sex came from my intro to sex as "my job to give pleasure" and worrying that if I wasn't doing Topaz' favorite thing in sex every time then I wasn't going to make zir happy. Ze assured me that ze doesn't want the same thing every time and that the variety in our sex is what ze wants.  We haven't had much sex in the past few months because of the intense shit in zir life sapping all zir energy, and even though I know logically and intuitively that it's not true, there's still some old damage that says "this must be because you aren't doing the right things /don't want the same things."

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Comments
classical_wolf ══╣╠══
I feel shame from exercise too. I think that's another reason I'm (sub-consciously) sticking to increasing the amount that I (try and) walk.

I also hear you about sex worries. Dan and I are rarely (sexually) intimate due to my often being tired. I do enjoy giving him pleasure, but more so "on my own time/at my own pace" than at his urging. His urging makes me not want to do it.

....but then I had to wear a feminine-professional costume for the poster presentation... - I understand that this might have been for school, but could you have worn a more androgynous or masculine suit/outfit if you felt more comfortable that way?

HUGS!
bunnika ══╣bunny: wheelchair╠══
So much empathy on the fitness, though I'm mostly screwed because I physically can't do things to keep myself fit. I'm still weaker than I've ever been in my life, and my illogical brain wants to blame it on being fat, even though that's not the root. (The root for both my unfitness and my fatness being disability.) It makes it hard for me to accept my body as it is now, because I feel like it's not my natural state.
raidingparty ══╣╠══
So my mum is a nutritional counselor and physical therapist, and says one of the interesting things she's seen repeatedly is how much our mindset affects the outcome of our actions.
First example is dessert: Things eaten with guilt have a longer impact than things thoroughly enjoyed as prizes.
Second example is exercise: People who walk to work and count it on exercise logs have better overall fitness than people who walk but don't count it. That to say, I'm sure there's at least a few active things you're doing that you might not "count" as exercise. For more hilarity, a card game magazine wrote a doctor asking for fitness advice, and printed the results. All of the doctor's suggestions were tiny things that could be done in the middle of playing cards, but the overall effect...
bunnika ══╣me: smile╠══
I'm really not that active, because of my disabilities. I try to give myself credit where it's due, though. Maybe I'll start counting sex as cardio and watch my fitness skyrocket. :-P
raidingparty ══╣╠══
Woo! It totally counts! Lots of deep... breathing.
grail76 ══╣Bear cycle╠══
I never thought something like that would bother me until I found myself in a hotel in India with a lot of models from the Ford Agency campaign. It was fun watching them eat watercress or whatever in the dining room but one day I went out to use the pool and saw half a dozen of them in the water.

I turned around and went back to my room.
twofootsmall ══╣text great in bed╠══
"my job to give pleasure"

Ugh, I hear you. I don't worry about this initially, but it becomes an issue as time goes on over weeks/months; I often become unable to relax into it enough to fully enjoy what they're doing in case I'm being selfish in not reciprocating every other second, if you see what I mean.
kiwi ══╣╠══
I go through the same struggles with exercising - we have a gym in our apartment complex, which is a bonus, but I purposefully go when nobody else is there. If I go in and someone else is in there, I'll leave because I don't want people to see me workout. I completely understand what you're saying and am so glad you have someone to support you. Because you're right - exercise is boring alone.
roina_arwen ══╣Be Yourself╠══
I'm glad you and Topaz are feeling back in sync.

I have similar bodily shame despite trying to work out - although I haven't done any working out while we've been away on vacation the past week, despite that the hotels all have tiny gyms in them, so really I have no excuse, other than that the comfy walking shoes that I have with me aren't sneakers. Ah well.
wildrose ══╣╠══
volamonster ══╣mushroom's dragon╠══
I'm listening. Feeling that way about exercise sounds potentially stressful and painful; I'm so glad you have someone like Topaz to encourage you and invite you along. For what it's worth, I'm over here working my way back up to fitness with you, building up my strength bit by bit to combat my chronic illness. ♥
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.