November 2017
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intimacy practice / more about lack of belonging / raising kids / exhausted, discouraged


Today was intimacy practice and it was really wonderful; hard topics, but deep sharing and very nourishing. We've been at max capacity (8 people) for the past two sessions and it takes significantly longer, right under 4 hours this time, but (for me at least) it's worth it. But I think it might be a bit much for some people, so I'm trying to think of good ways to balance that... but I don't want anyone to miss it, bleh, and I don't want to set a time limit on heart circle sharing but maybe we could go two rounds or something and people could choose to stay for one round or two.

I talked about my lack of belonging and I felt understood, but it still hurts. The biggest ache is the fact that I have these amazing people, but if I don't put in the very hard work of pulling them together, we'd all fall separate and some people would fall out of my life completely. We might be committed in small dyads that interconnect, but we aren't committed to a central unity. I think when I was sharing that, part of me hoped someone would say "I want long-term unity too! I will help you make it!" but I don't think people want that. Which makes me sad because if I want it, I have to find people to invest in who also want it. It's shitty to try to push for it with people who don't want it. But it was so fucking hard to find these people that the idea of trying to find others seems exhausting and impossible. Another thing that has been on my mind lately is the idea of raising kids -- I kinda want that, but only if I have at least two co-parents, and while I have a gaggle of aunts/uncles/auntcles, I don't have anyone in my life I could raise kids with. And I don't see how to go about making that. Most of the people I know with poly families started out as a dyad and then added people, but that's not how I would want to do it. So I just don't see it happening for me. So then what? I dunno. I guess I hope the right people just happen into my life. Right now wouldn't be the right time to form a kid-raising unit anyway so it's sort of moot.

I'm feeling kinda discouraged on most of my goals right now. Crafty parties have been fail the past few times and I feel like the biggest problem is distance, so I need to find locals, but I'm feeling a lack of hope and a lot of intimidation about it. Hopefully part of this is just sheer exhaustion from the stress of these past few weeks and after a few days of rest I'll be better.

I gotta get on finding another job soon. I've been sending out and dropping off resumes at places I'd actually like, and this week I'm going to apply places I can tolerate, but I'm not going to be 'available' for at least a week because I am so so so exhausted, just wiped out. I feel like my emotions have been running higher this week too, maybe due to stress, or maybe causing part of the stress. Can I just cry and be held please? can someone tell me I won't be yearning with no hope forever and mean it? Can't ever EVER someone want the same thing?

metanote: sorry I've only been posting the past few days, haven't had time to catch up on reading but hope to do that tomorrow (Monday). I feel like the quality of this writing is super crap but ugh. I dunno, I just need a break SO BADLY.

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Comments
classical_wolf ══╣╠══
Can you speak more about intimacy practice? I'm quite intrigued.
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
classical_wolf ══╣Boy-Girl-Person╠══
It all sounds quite wonderful, really ♥

And you're truly beautiful, so....to lead all of this....and to be able to do this with you must be awesome. I wanted to say gorgeous but I didn't want you to assume I was labeling or gendering you. I tried to be non-gender specific ♥
blimeyzawn1 ══╣╠══
I want long-term unity, and I definitely want intimacy in a large friend group. And I'd like to at least try to help you make it. I also know that I've been one of those people who has probably required a lot of work to maintain the connection, but I don't want to be, and I promise to do better.
belenen ══╣adoring╠══
<3 this filled me with love and joy, I am very glad that you want these things and are willing to try to help make it!
bunnika ══╣╠══
I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time creating unity. I also have a strong desire for community, but I don't know how to build it. I would help you, but I feel like distance is prohibitive? Even if the distance didn't phase you, I feel like others wouldn't want to invest in a person who can't be around physically. Especially as it's an effort to have solitary time to dedicate to people outside my family. I'm a full-time mom, so I spend a lot of time with the kiddo glued to my hip. And I don't feel like people (especially people without children) really have a desire to create a community that includes her.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
Well I want community that includes Suzu. And at the very least, Topaz and Abby and Zawn all love kids from what I can tell and I think they would be happy to have zir around. Kylei gets worried around kids at first but warms up when ze feels confident that ze doesn't need to be normative. I dunno how the others would feel but I feel sure they wouldn't be negative, just maybe neutral.

Distance, ugh. It is annoying. But Abby lives long-distance now (closer to you than me actually) and is still very much included in our world I would say. I don't think it's as much of a barrier as with most people.
bunnika ══╣╠══
hah, nobody has to be normative around my kid. She's very blunt though, so if someone is doing something/acting in a way she's not experienced, she'll ask why. So long as Kylei doesn't mind good-natured inquiry everyone should be fine. Suzu's not had experience dealing with alternate pronouns though, so I have no idea how she'll do with that. I've talked to her about it, and she related it to the Futurama movie where the creature from the alternate universe is genderfree. She understands the concept, I just don't know if she'll be able to get past seeing sex markers and automatically associating them with certain pronouns. As it is, I sort of suck with pronouns, though I try, so all we can really do is correct her (and me >.>) without shaming her about it and she'd probably pick it up in time.
belenen ══╣amused╠══
cool! about the cartoon explaining genderfree, heh. We're all gentle about pronoun correction so no worries.
raoin ══╣domestic bliss╠══
indeed, we think of ourselves as being incredibly lucky to have an extra set of hands around the house for child-rearing purposes. we joked, in the early months, that the ideal adult-to-child ratio is 3:1. but it's not really a joke, some days it feels like a necessity.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
I feel you! It seems a necessity for me too, otherwise things fall into a binary so easily where one person does all the parenting and the other does financial support and house maintenance. With 3+ parents you can split it up better.
twofootsmall ══╣girly blue╠══
Your writing is not super crap, nor is it ever from my brief experience of your journal.

But this post reminds me that I need to respond to it and to the 'belonging' one, too - you raise points that resonate with me, repeatedly! :)
belenen ══╣oneness╠══
aw, thanks. <3 glad to resonate though sad that it is on a topic of lack!
volamonster ══╣doorway╠══
If I were local to you, I would ask you if you'd like to come over and cuddle and have tea and talk about all of this and I would listen.

Also, I know that feeling of "ugh look at how on-the-fly my writing is!" but I admire you, truly, for committing to writing frequently and following through with that and getting your thoughts out.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
that would be amazing. <3

I feel better when I write daily, for sure, even when it's not honed and best-expressed.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.