October 2017
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dream (that I was pregnant)


I dreamed last night that I went to the hospital 'cause I wasn't feeling good, and I found out that I was pregnant. Many feelings: panic, relief, sorrow, fear, joy... etc. I woke up with the feelings still.

I was relieved 'cause it meant I no longer had to worry about getting pregnant -- there was no more doubt.
I was happy 'cause I could feel the spirit of my baby, and I felt a exquisite joy to be so near to such a wonderful being.
I was sad because this meant my body would change forever, and I hadn't gotten to model as much as I wanted, and I didn't know if I'd look as beautiful later.
I was afraid that the baby would feel rejected if I worried about finances.
I was afraid that Ben would feel so pressured by having another someone to take care of.
I was kinda mad because I wanted to party, dammit!
I was pissed because I had unwillingly joined the ranks of young baby-having married couples.
I was disappointed because I wanted to be able to travel easily, and traveling with 'childens' is NOT easy.

But I woke up wishing I was pregnant. And being glad I wasn't.
Wanting to be pregnant, but not have to raise a kid right now.

feelings: ambivalent
sounds: Fuel: "Down Inside of You"
connecting:

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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.