November 2017
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tribe: what I want, ideally and second best


Heather described to me what ze thought was the opposite of what I wanted and it was pretty much exactly what I wanted so I thought I'd clarify ;-)

We would all live close to or with each other and/or be working toward that. There was one point where I was committed to both Abby and Kylei and I wanted us to be working toward living together or at least close but Abby wasn't ready to do that. I found that very upsetting because I felt like to really be tribe we needed for it to be fairly easy to gather regularly. I know that if I were to form my ideal kind of tribe with the people I am close to now I would need to have a financial situation where I could move into Atlanta proper. That is a loose goal of mine but since it is not a goal for anyone else I don't have any urgency about it. And several of my people live either out of state or in a house where they plan to stay the rest of their lives, so I don't know how much is possible.

Ideally, Heather and Topaz would share a house with an in-law suite where I would live (Topaz and I do not have compatible mess-ometers but it seems like Heather and Topaz do and all three of us seem to like the same amount of alone-space), and Anika & Matt & Suzu would live next-door (and we would share a giant gardeny backyard) and Hannah and Nick would live the other next door, and Zawn and Jeff would live on the other side of them, and Kylei would live across the street with some other super-talkative people, with Kei-Won-Tia and zir people next door to them and and Abby and Roger on the other side, Allison and Camellia on either sides of that. Since that is probably not possible, next best is us all living within a 20-minute radius of each other. We'd have shared dinners twice a month, and regularly do things together like gardening and crafting and of course intimacy practice.

And each person would nurture their relationship with each other person, without me involved. Like, my daydreamiest idea is that everyone gets to know each other and if there is a fragile connection, it becomes a priority. That's what I mean when I say that it goes forward on its own. But for that to happen everyone has to individually fall in love with everyone else (I don't mean romantically) and invest in each individual dyad and I dunno. It seems ludicrously impossible. I think second-best would be a majority of interconnectedness, like if each person was very close with at least two other people in the group. Right now the only closenesses independent of me seem to be Abby-Roger, Kylei-Heather, and maybe Kylei-Abby or Heather-Abby? I want more, like Heather-Topaz, Abby-Anika, Kei-Won-Tia-Zawn, Camellia-Topaz, Hannah-Kei-Won-Tia, Zawn-Anika, Kylei-Allison, Roger-Camellia, etc! etc! I want to mush them together and make huggy noises! I want indirect ties with people as well as direct ones! I already feel loved but I want to feel friend-compersion.

And I'd want things like Kylei wants to have a game night so contacts everyone and we meet at zir place, or Heather wants to share a movie so invites everyone, and people consider it important to attend if they can because they want to invest in the whole and not just in one or two people. And I want to know more about everyone's other connections like Brian and Sarah and Christo and Matt and Jeff etc.


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Comments
classical_wolf ══╣╠══
I loved reading about this. I find the concept of a tribe to be very interesting :)
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
:D
bunnika ══╣╠══
I've always wanted to be a part of a community garden, where everything won't wilt and die if I don't have the spoons to green-thumb it on any given day. The idea of having neighbors I actually had a connection with is awesome. I know people who don't just live places, they have community there, and it's something I've never experienced. I wonder sometimes if I'm just bad at the whole being-a-person deal, since I don't seem able to foster the sort of connection I want with people. But I think maybe most people are happier with more surface connections than I'm satisfied with.

I'm such a game-night/movie-night person, and I have no one to do that with anymore. It's always been a dream to have a large group of friends so we could have weekly gatherings for such things, just to socialize and want to spend quality time with one another. We briefly had a group of game night friends, but some people were invited who made me feel wildly not safe, and no one outside of Matt seemed to really understand how toxic that sort of behavior is. I want a group of people who care about being supportive and kind and loving, and creating a space that is safe and comfortable for everyone.

I don't really know how to reach out to anyone else? If people were okay with it, I'm more than happy to add people on here and on Facebook to try and get to know them better. Everyone at intimacy practice has seemed pretty cool, but I don't really know how else to try and build any sort of connection. Distance is prohibitive. But I'd like to try and meet as many of them as possible when I visit. :-)
belenen ══╣adoring╠══
I wonder sometimes if I'm just bad at the whole being-a-person deal... I think maybe most people are happier with more surface connections than I'm satisfied with.

YES. Most people are happy with surfacey stuff and also, this shit is not easy to find! I mean, I was alone -- while searching -- for YEARS and I definitely felt like something was wrong with me but really, our society just produces people who have never been nurtured and cannot connect on a deep level on about a 100-to-1 (at least) rate. So, yeah.

I don't really like game night or movie night because I don't like most of the games and movies that exist, but since it would be good for most people I'd be happy to participate.

I want a group of people who care about being supportive and kind and loving, and creating a space that is safe and comfortable for everyone.

YES.

I would love to have everyone interconnected and I hope you can get to know everyone more and they can get to know you. <3 Abby and Heather and Zawn post the most on LJ (besides me). Roger and Camellia don't really share online. Kylei seems to prefer chat programs to other kinds of interaction. Kei-Won-Tia and Zawn are the most active on facebook. Hannah I think you know.
bunnika ══╣╠══
our society just produces people who have never been nurtured and cannot connect on a deep level on about a 100-to-1 (at least) rate.

I can believe this. I feel like it's also easier to be happy in a friendship if you aren't sensitive to certain topics, because it's so hard to find people that respect certain boundaries. I couldn't even manage to find a solid group of people who wouldn't make rape or dead baby jokes. -.-

What kinds of games do you like? I have successfully gotten friends addicted to Settlers of Catan, which is my personal favorite addition to Game Nights. I could also get into D&D if I had local friends who like RPGs. I used to PC game a lot (it's how Matt and I met), which is a nice way to interact with those people who don't live nearby, since we can talk through the whole thing, too. My favorite PC games that are really feasible to play in groups are Left 4 Dead 2 and Sacred 2. And since it's something that Matt likes to do with me, so it's a way I can include him in my other relationships, which matters to me.

I totally didn't realize that any of your friends had added me on here that I didn't know about, so now I'm worried I may have overlooked somebody! If it's okay to have people's screen names, I'm happy to add them (or add them back if I've been flighty). Hannah I knew forever ago, but we don't really have any contact now. I have no idea if she'd want to change that.
belenen ══╣eccentric╠══
I like word games and get-to-know you or prove-you-know-me or pattern-strategy games (Wise and Otherwise, Malarky, Loaded Questions, Imaginiff, Blokus, IceTowers). On the computer I pretty much like GuildWars2 and that's it. Most people I know like Settlers but I Do Not. I could probably get into D&D/Mage/similar RPGs, I played Mage for a very little while and liked it a lot.

I think rextrocular (Abby), topaznebula (who doesn't post), rmpenguino (who also doesn't post) are the only ones you don't have friended yet who actually have LJs.
bunnika ══╣╠══
Oh my god I hate those prove-you-know-me games. I have this horrible fear of people hating me if I get things wrong, like a literally panic-attack-inducing fear, and there is absolutely no way of calming it. Get-to-know-you type ones are fun though. I also have an aversion to things like Scrabble because I played with Vince and he physically attacked me for doing well, so I sort of hate anything that's overly "intellectual" I guess you'd say. Strategy is fine, even guessing games are actually fine (though I hate guessing and refuse to do it in any other context, and will flat-out say "no" any time someone asks me "guess what?"), and I like just silly fun ones like Apples to Apples.

Sacred 2 is in the GW2 genre, if you ever felt like checking out something "new" (as in, new to you; it's like 5 years old). L4D is the only shooter I'll play, because I hate war games and can't stand games whose primary color palate is gray. I actually wish I had a larger group of friends to play L4D with again, because playing versus (where you get to play as the zombies!) is so much fun, but you need at least six people for it to be any good. I don't do MMOs because any time I've tried I've just encountered so many malicious people (like, folks who are high-level and like to kill newbies for kicks) that it ruins all the fun. I prefer to control who I play with.

Do you think they'd all be okay with me adding them, or should I ask individually? I'm okay with people who don't post reading my journal so long as they aren't creepy stalkers, which hopefully you've established already. :-P
belenen ══╣adoring╠══
aw, well we can just play the get-to-know-you ones ;-) I got burnt out on Apples to Apples but it may have been long enough that I could enjoy it again!

I'm sure they'd all be okay with it :)
blimeyzawn1 ══╣╠══
First of all, I think this sounds fabulous and wonderful, and is pretty much exactly what I want. Given financial considerations, though, I think it's pretty impossible to have a tribe in the traditional sense -- where everyone lives basically next door to one another. But a very close-knit group that sees each other super regularly? Yeah, I see no reason that can't happen. I mean, most people have that in grade school/high school, so why couldn't it be possible in adulthood?

Re: Feeling like it's up to you to organize everyone: I dealt with this fairly recently with my family. And I think you're dealing with a similar issue. The thing with having a tribe is that tribes are constantly in flux. So like, with my family, I used to want to do stuff with them all the time ("Family night" as we call it) but I wanted to control it -- I didn't want people I didn't know there; I didn't want people I didn't like there. I thought of my family as only the list of people I had in my head, and other people's vision of family did not count.

Now, that's obviously not what you're doing here with a tribe, but I do think one way to get people more into embracing the idea of this kind of connection is to make them feel like they can bring in their own connections. I don't know if that's something that's already happened or not, or if what I'm saying even makes sense, but I definitely think an open tribe, so to speak, is the way to go.

What about if you asked people to start planning events and gave them a list of people you'd like there, then encouraged them to invite additional people? Like, for example, we could have a dinner at my house with your people+my people and see which people we wanted to come around the next time.
belenen ══╣connate╠══
Oh, yeah, I always want people to bring the people who are important to them. That's my 'criteria' -- if they are important to you then it is important to me to know them. If they are a person I feel is unsafe, then I want to know them someplace other than my house, but I'm okay with going out of my way to meet them. I agree that an open tribe is the way to go.

I would love love love if more people planned events and brought people that mattered to them with me and my people. I would super love to meet your people! There are a good chunk of self-described introverts in my tribe though so I think they'd want to meet you first ;-)
secret_keep ══╣waterbender╠══
I really think it's possible to have tribe way closer than 20 miles together. Like, while next door is probably impossible/unreachable, there's a ton of houses on my street for sale or rent that are relatively cheap, and then places up the road a few miles that are fancier and more expensive, and then everyone could live within five miles of each other... and I don't think that that's an isolated example. I think that we could all live close to each other in the Atlanta area. We couldn't live in like, midtown or buckhead, but it seems like almost everywhere else has both rich and poor places to move in, so it would be compatible with everyone.

Anika, I added you on facebook and on here I think. :) I'm adding you to my "safe" filter too (most of my posts are either public or "safe" filtered; the safe ones are about feels, especially shame)

Bel, I want so much for you to live in the city <3 and Topaz too, but it seems likely that she'll (she? I don't remember Topaz's pronouns) live in that house forever. But it's close to the freeway, so it's reachable. Especially once I trade my manual for an automatic, so I can drive more easily to places.
belenen ══╣artless╠══
Yeah I would love that, to live within 5 miles of each other (btw, I said 20 MINUTES not miles, heh, minutes is a lot closer).

I don't think that Topaz will move into the city but I think we could find a section of town that was 20-30 min from zir place instead of 45. My ideal would be on the northwest quad of Atlanta but the northeast would do also.

btw LJ doesn't notify you of more comments unless you reply to that specific person, so Anika would only see this if ze happened to come to this post again and read them all -- letting you know for future reference!
bunnika ══╣╠══
I happened by! So I saw this anyway. :-)

I feel bad for two reasons though--1) I don't know who you are, 2) I didn't realize you friended me! I had some LJ Idol people just adding me without comment, and I don't auto-add in response because I've been cyber stalked and I'm super-paranoid now. Since I know you are one of Bel's friends I will add you back, but I'd still like to know which one you are! ^.^
belenen ══╣adoring╠══
that's Kylei ;-)
keiwontia ══╣╠══
Kylei-Kei-Won-Tia is a thing!~ Kylei spent a day at Sanctuary just last week, or so. And Kei-Won-Tia-Anika is getting stronger, I like to think. Chin up, friend; the ball is rolling. :)

My first Intimacy Practice was amazing and I want so much to get to know everyoe. I also so desperately desire a tribe and I want to build one with you, James. Let us build one. Let us start right now.
belenen ══╣osculant╠══
<3 <3 I feel it and it makes me happy! and I am so glad you want to build with me, and are investing without hesitation <3 I can't even describe how much it means.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.